When we’re arguing with our partner and our emotions take over, we end up saying and doing things that we really regret –

Things that really hurt our relationship…

Which is a great opportunity for us to learn how to change –

So that we can grow together as a team –

And also evolve into the very best version of ourselves as individuals…

 

Do You Remember?

When you were younger, was there a toy that you really wanted?

A party, or a concert, that you really wanted to go to – but couldn’t?

Or look back upon any time in your life – an old crush? – where you didn’t get what you wanted, and it felt so urgent, like the end of the world –

You might have even cried about it –

But you look back now and laugh, because it wasn’t a big deal at all…

And this is really no different than your emotions when you are arguing today –

Because no matter how frustrated you feel –

There is no reality to your sense of urgency…

 

The Developmental Psychology “Lens”

According to various models of developmental psychology, there are “tasks” that we must master at different stages of our life journey.

At one year old you have to learn how to not poop your diapers…

As you get a little older, you must learn to not interrupt people when they’re talking, or butt to the front of the line, or just take something because you want it…

And as you grow into adulthood, the tasks become more refined – you continue to develop morally, socially, emotionally, intellectually…

So these are life tasks, and the fact is that as you master these tasks, you feel good about yourself, but also –

Something inside of you – a sense of self – is aware that this is the way you are supposed to be developing –

And conversely, when you don’t develop these skills, the result is that you lose self-esteem – you don’t feel good about yourself…

And one of the life skills that we are supposed to learn is how to be in a mature intimate adult relationship…

 

Emotional Maturity and Being “Right”

In one sense, these “tasks” can be considered expressions of self-regulation:

I have to poop, but I’m not going to…

I want to butt to the front of the line, but I’m not going to…

And in a situation where your fighting with your partner: “I have to be right, but you’re not letting me” –

Well, let’s pause it there for a minute –

Because that’s basically the dynamic that’s causing the conflict:

“I want to be right. I want you to see me as right. I don’t want to be contradicted. I want what I want. What I want is right.”

This could refer to something very shallow and superficial, or something very deep –

But the need to be “right” is the same.

In any situation where both of you have conflicting perspectives, the way that you can feel good about yourself is to take a mature, collaborative, and exploratory approach…

When that’s the mindset you shift into, you have passed this developmental test!

“I want to be right, but you’re not letting me, so –

I’m going to listen with care and interest to your side of the disagreement, and then together we’ll figure out why we see things so differently, and collaborate lovingly, moving through this, coming out strong…”

 

Does “Right” equal “Safe?”

The ultimate thing you need from a relationship is safety.

In a relationship, safety means acceptance, connection, and unconditional love…

Once you have that established, then you can relax into living with each other and enjoying each other and caring for each other…

None of those things are about you being “right.

Surrender your need to be right during an argument!

Know this with peace and certainty: if you are “right”, that will reveal itself organically, as you problem-solve together with love and care…

Or maybe you will discover that you are actually wrong….

Or…most likely…you will both agree that the “truth” lies somewhere in a wonderful middle ground where you can both feel great ease…

 

Problem-Solving Together

Yelling and arguing are an ego defense posture.

We create this ego structure because it’s so much easier to be angry than it is to feel the pain –

But what’s the pain?

Is it the pain of not getting what we want?

Is the pain that you’re afraid you are not really loved in the relationship – that your partner is rejecting you – or are you misinterpreting your circumstances? (could be either one).

Or is the pain that we don’t feel capable of getting what we want and that makes us frustrated with ourselves and feel unworthy –

Like we don’t have the life skills – the self-worth, the relationship skills –

The value, in one way or another – to get what we want?

It could be any of these things, but you can’t explore the truth until you release the veil of egoic emotions that you have gathered around yourself…

The Warrior

Basically you’ve created this fighter – a warrior – that’s going to protect you from feeling pain–

The pain of not having your needs met in a relationship –

The pain of not feeling loved enough, cared for enough, important enough –

The pain of not having your emotional needs met in a relationship, and the feelings of disrespect and injury that result –

So when you treat your partner like an opponent, it’s this warrior that is speaking and acting through you –

And it’s time to say to that warrior, “thank you for your service – but I don’t need you anymore”

 

How to Let Go

To break through these automatic emotions, you have to learn how to let them go.

Not suppress them – which only creates more tension – but actually release them.

This is a skill which is physical, mental and emotional.

It means feeling the tension viscerally –

A challenge which again, is physical, mental and emotional –

Learn to notice these from a place of safety and detachment which you have already established and experienced as your “true” self –

And release it – the whole experience of agitation and distress – so that all you feel is peace, relief, and ease –

Even as you and your partner work through issues that in the past have turned you into adversaries.

This process, of learning how to do this, is at the heart of all effective relationship work.

It is how marriages and relationships become the Love of a Lifetime.