Relationship Remedy with Ray Rivers

Save Your Marriage - Online Counseling for Couples

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Can Counseling Lead to More Sex in Marriage?

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The title of this blog is actually a trending topic, which means this question is on a lot of people’s minds – so apparently plenty of married couples out there are dissatisfied with their sex life, but don’t feel capable of fixing it themselves.

Sex is just like everything else in a marriage: a collaboration, and learning how to successfully collaborate on every challenge is one pillar of a healthy marriage.

Sex is also one of the most deeply personal aspects of ourselves – but marriage demands that we create with each other a comfortably shared understanding of its role in our lives.

So if more sex is desired, by one or both partners, then working together to resolve discontent might seem overwhelming at first, because the sexual relationship brings to the surface all of our deepest physical, psychological, and emotional vulnerabilities.

Counseling, therapy, and elite or executive-based programs like Relationship Remedy™ create the safe space to work through these sensitive issues and emerge stronger and more connected with each other than ever before.

I have found that these are some of the most common obstacles couples must work through:

 

Craving vs. Caring

I get this one all the time: one partner feels pressured to have more sex, but no longer feels a strong enough emotional connection with their partner – and without that connection, they really don’t want to.

Their partner, meanwhile, complains that they need the sex to feel emotionally connected in the first place. “Sex is my love language” he says (yes, “he”: while there are just as many marriages in which the woman is sexually frustrated, I have found that referring to sex as a “love language” is particularly common to men…)

What to do with this scenario?

Well, certainly sex can be many different things: loving or lustful, soothing or exciting. It can be a selfish act, or an act of pure giving. It can be an expression of intimacy, or a physically transactional pleasure. A bonding of souls, or a release of tension –

But one way or another, a thriving marriage demands: that couples learn to relate to each other with care, warmth, empathy and sensitivity.

To always put love first as they work through even the most intense issues.

As you develop that skill set, your relationship matures to create a dynamic of stability and wholeness unique to marriage. And the two of you draw ever closer together: spiritually, emotionally – and physically.

Creating the space for this mutual evolution is a primary goal of superior marriage work.

 

Negative Anticipation

If, when you anticipate sex with your partner, you think things like: “this is going to be weird/awkward/unpleasant” – well, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, doesn’t it?

Even more significant is the fact that you do not feel equipped to have a safe and constructive discussion about this phenomenon with your partner.

Our work together can give you the tools and the clarity on how to have this conversation, which you can apply to every aspect of your marriage.

Easy collaboration should be your “new normal” for any and every topic!

(Credit note: I first encountered the concept of “negative anticipation” in the written work of Emily and Barry McCarthy).

 

Insecurity, Negative Self-Esteem, and Performance Anxiety

One of the most primal fears we bring into a marriage is the fear of rejection – that at some point our partner will realize who we “really” are – and decide that they don’t like us as much as they thought.

This can translate into almost total neuroses in the bedroom, where both men and women often feel a subconscious pressure to perform that carries with it an equally powerful – and equally unacknowledged, due to shame – fear of failure.

We bring a whole lot of ideas about who we are “supposed to be” into the bedroom – what’s more soul-crushing than feeling naked and rejected?

My mission is to provide a supportive space where you can reset your love life to what it’s supposed to be: a chance to discover through lovemaking how to care for each other more deeply, to play with each other more sweetly, and to love each other more completely.

 

Unresolved Conflicts

If you are feeling stuck when it comes to intimacy, there are probably a host of other unresolved issues, big and small, that have been building up since the beginning of your relationship. Incidents where one or both of you felt mistreated, controlled, dismissed or abandoned – that left you feeling unsafe at a core emotional level.

These can be logistical issues: perceived imbalances in work, parenting, or daily responsibilities. Big-picture dilemmas such as different long-term goals or lifestyle visions. Social, cultural, and family-of origin pressures creating a false sense of divided loyalty. Physical and mental health issues.

All of these issues culminate in the bedroom.

Until you learn how to create real closure – every time – this lack of safety becomes the unwanted baseline of your union, and  prevents you from working through your most sensitive issues all the way – because you don’t trust that you really can.

Here’s a secret: you can work through anything, and resolve every single issue, if you truly hold each other in high enough esteem – if you sense the potential in each other to meet all of your needs. More specifically, this means that you both have a sense that, even though you are imperfect, you each truly want to be the very best version of yourselves, and to support each other as you do the hard work to get there.

As you evolve together, the differences between you transform: instead of automatically fearing them as threats to your happiness, you learn to embrace them as opportunities to problem-solve together with love and care. This is actually one aspect of a recognized stage of intimate relationships which is clinically referred to as differentiation.

This inevitably leads to more fulfilling lives, as you deepen your sense of care and connection with each other – as you replace selfishness with a commitment to each other’s emotional safety.

It is normal – it is necessary – to experience uncomfortable feelings and thoughts as you work to break through the sense of burden and limitation.

When married couples work with me I can give you the tools, support, inspiration and expertise to create rock-solid care and connection for life.

A sense of being completely fulfilled with each other.

This translates organically into physical lovemaking that is right for both partners – because both partners are truly moved to put the quality of their emotional connection first.

And so they have exactly the right amount of sex for both partners to be happy.

Learning what that looks like, and what that feels like, is the next level of marital peace and contentment.

That’s why they call it “making love.”

Lovemaking Performance Anxiety: Wisdom from a Therapist

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Here is the gentle truth about sexual performance anxiety – I send this video with love and care, and hopeful blessings for you! If you are on this blog’s front page click on this article’s title, or else just click this link…

Why Lovemaking Fails And How To Overcome It

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You love each other – so why is it so weird? This could be the key….if you are on the blog front page, click on this article’s title to get to the video page, where you can click this link…

Video Blog: Is Your Partner Too Insecure (or anxious or depressed)?

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I wish I didn’t see this so often with couples – one partner feels the other is just way too anxious or insecure – and they’re sick of it! But no matter how much of a “good guy” or gal they think they’ve been, it is almost ALWAYS the case that they haven’t worked as deeply as they think…if you’re on this blog’s homepage with all the other articles, first click on the title of this article – then once you’re one the page where this article is all by itself, you will be able to click this link to watch the video

How to Discuss “Eggshell” Topics

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One of the biggest challenges couples face is: how to talk about “eggshell” topics – those topics that you can’t discuss without fighting, or hurting feelings, or getting defensive – topics that one way or another, whenever you approach them, you both ending up feeling like crap about the relationship…
Topics like: in-laws and relatives and friends you disagree on; past hurts, or future plans; personal hygiene, kids – and of course, money…you avoid these topics, yet they simmer unspoken beneath the surface; live-wire obstacles to real trust and intimacy and fulfillment.
That’s why there shouldn’t be ANY “eggshell” topics in your relationship at all – and I promise you it can be done –
But for now, let’s just address how to actually have a breakthrough, and be able to discuss these “eggshell” topics in a new way.
First, you must understand why the topics are “eggshell” in the first place: it’s not just because you disagree with each other; it’s because you actually don’t feel safe with each other. Deep in your subconscious, you are both afraid that, because you feel differently about a topic, your partner will reject you – a painful experiences we avoid at all costs.
In fact, what you are both really avoiding is the need to change. Depending on who is “more” responsible for the particular situation, this change can take many forms – but at its core, it means a change in how you relate to each other. It means discussing “eggshell” topics in a way that both of you end up actually feeling closer and more loving with each other – better, not worse, about the relationship.
Topics are “eggshell” because they trigger negative emotions – and negative emotions make you both feel unsafe. This means that the art of discussing them successfully is, instead, to trigger positive emotions. This is not only easier than it sounds, it is actually one of the highest blessings of a relationship – the feeling that you are safe with each other no matter what comes up between you.
To do this, you must powerfully create a certain feeling between you – otherwise, the negative emotions will take on a life of their own. This requires that you speak to each other in a very special way. And since you are the one who is taking the lead on it, at first, only you will know how to do this – which you demonstrate by example.
So here are five basic steps to discussing “eggshell topics:

Step One:
Look into your heart and find the place that appreciates your partner, that is grateful for their being in your life. Find everything you love and honor and respect about them – all of their best qualities, all the ways you have known them to be good and kind and smart and terrific, as human beings, as your best friend and lover, perhaps as a parent. Really connect with this knowing within you.
Step Two:
Approach your partner and tell them that you love them. Tell them specific things you love about them. Tell them how grateful you are that they are in your life.
Step Three:
While holding this attitude of love and care – this reality – in your heart and mind, tell your partner that there is something that you want to talk about. Say that – so far – it feels like the two of you can’t talk about it without feeling uncomfortable, but you want to be able to talk about anything and still feel the love between you. Say that no matter what they say, you respect how they feel, and you love them. But you have to be able to talk about this topic, and there are things you want to say as well. Tell them you are willing to change and compromise and care about everything they have to say, to make sure they feel totally safe and loved by you no matter what, every step of the way – but also, this thing needs to be talked about – and you love them (you say again).
Step Four:
Empathize with their point of view: in other words, put into words how their point of view would make sense from their perspective: “I know you work hard for the money and it doesn’t seem like a reasonable purchase” “I know you don’t want to start a fight with your mother by not going” “I know how you must be so tired that you’re not even thinking about putting down the toilet seat” – then say, “But this is hard for me because…” and state your side of it. THEN say “I don’t care about being right, I just want us to figure out a way we can compromise on this and both feel great about our relationship and each other and the whole situation – and I love you!”
Step Five:
Throughout the conversation, keep telling them that you love them. That you support them. That you are so grateful they are in your life. Touch them gently, with love. Insert compliments into the conversation – things you love, admire, respect, and appreciate about them.
THE POINT IS NOT TO MANIPULATE – IT IS TO BE AS SINCERE AS POSSIBLE!
None of this is manipulative – it is caring about the fact that they don’t feel safe with the topic, so you are creating the space of safety for both of you. This is not “fake” because, well, if you don’t feel this way towards them, then why are you in the relationship?
No matter what they say, keep affirming how much you love and appreciate them.

There are many versions of “eggshell” topics, and this is just a basic overview of a general approach. It’s a radical way, and you have to be open-minded…but remember, conversation with your partner is just like sex: there is nobody looking but the two of you, so don’t try to be “cool”, instead care and connect and support each other, and then only magic will happen.
If it is hard to picture or understand what I have described here – or if you think that it is “just not you” – then I assure you, I can help you find the version of this approach that “is” you.
The big secret is: when you both feel completely safe with each other – all the eggshell topics will disappear – there will truly be nothing that you are uncomfortable talking about, and no problems you can’t solve together.
And when you have a relationship where you can talk about anything at all, you are both set free to become the man or woman you have always wanted to be – and to create the relationship with each other that both of your hearts have always longed for.
Please contact me with any questions or comments – this is all Truth, and I am here to help you with it.

What Does A Healthy Relationship Look Like?

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What does a healthy relationship look like?
This is one of the most-asked questions on the internet – which means that millions of people don’t know if they are doing it “right.”
Maybe you think you are “supposed to” hold hands all the time, and gaze into each other’s eyes, and make each other laugh, and have passionate sex every night – but instead:
“We never even see each other, and when we do we just watch tv and read without talking to each other – that can’t be right!”
Maybe your relationship feels right – but it doesn’t “look” right:
“We sleep in separate beds – is that OK?”
Or perhaps your relationship “looks” perfect, but you are unhappy anyway:
“We have great jobs and our kids are high achievers – is it me? I’m just screwed up, right?”
Or maybe…your relationship feels and looks totally wrong:
“We hate each other, hahaha!” –
Or else you are alone, and don’t want to be, but you’ve never even been in a “healthy” relationship, and even though you long to create one, you don’t even know where to begin –
Or – my last example here – are you confused because you have a relationship where the good seems so good, but the bad seems so bad…and your inner (subconscious) and outer (environmental) voices are so…conflicted…that you are blocked from even knowing the truth of your own heart…
(Where the answer shines on as it always has…)
So let’s make this very simple –
Are you ready?
Here it is:
– Your relationship is healthy if you are truly, deeply fulfilled by it.
– Your relationship is healthy if, despite how hard and lousy it feels sometimes, you and your partner are consciously working together to create that reality of being truly, mutually, deeply fulfilled.
The whole reason to be in a relationship is to be truly and deeply fulfilled – any attempt to create a healthy relationship must start with this understanding, this goal, and work backwards.
It’s not that you will feel this all the time – at first – but rather:
That you are both committed to creating a relationship that does indeed fulfill both of you. When pursued with devotion, this intention (and the actions it inspires) will actually create a relationship where you are deeply fulfilled all the time….as your definition of what fulfillment really means evolves along with your own maturity…
The state of being “truly, deeply fulfilled” is an experience that only you can judge – and getting to this state is a journey of self-discovery. That means that as you get to know yourself better, you might discover that some things you thought you needed actually do not really fulfill you…
For example, many men and women have a “checklist” of what they want in a partner – a certain profession, a look, a talent, a certain income level or social status – and rejoice when they find the partner who meets these specifications…. but after a few years, this checklist often leaves them feeling empty…unfulfilled….
Another common example is sexual chemistry – the sex is hot at the beginning, but after a few years of marriage, that heat, and/or the connection it once inspired, seems to vanish, leaving both partners feeling lost, wondering what happened….(don’t get me wrong – you can have amazing sex all your lives with that same partner – as long as the nature of that experience changes and evolves while you both mature together…but that is another topic…)
Notice that when I use the words “truly and deeply fulfilled,” I am describing an internal state of being – an experience that has nothing to do with external circumstances.
It comes when both partners make sacrifices for the relationship – and at a very deep level, those sacrifices fulfill them far more than actually getting “their way” – because they are instead creating something new and special –
Building a house of love…
And nothing makes them happier than to care for their partner’s heart…
When both partners live in generous joyful surrender to each other, both partners end up getting everything they really want anyway…and the things that seemed so upsetting, things they thought they “needed,” simply lose all their urgency and fall blissfully away….
It is possible to feel very “fulfilled” in a relationship for stretches at a time – when you are making love, perhaps, or sharing a particular experience – but then that feeling disappears, and you feel unhappy…in such a case, the “fulfillment” is more of an emotion-
And I am not talking about emotions here, which come and go and have no long-term reality if one is committed to personal growth.
Again, our goal is a state of being that you share with each other:
Truly, deeply fulfilled. This state of being is dependent on the quality of connection you create with each other: a shared experience of care, and safety, and warmth, and support, and trust, and interest, and intimacy, and connectedness…
You know if these words describe your relationship.
And if they do not, you also have a sense that it may be possible to achieve this state, if both of you want to do the work. All it takes is for both you and your partner to be clear that this is what you want – and to be sincere in your commitment to doing what it takes to get there.
This is the work I do with couples all the time – and when that breakthrough comes, it is a beautiful thing!
So wipe away all the pictures of who you “should” be, all the checklists, and all the voices you’ve internalized and adopted and mistaken as your own…all voices of other people (even your current partner) – telling you what’s right for you….
Trust yourself. Remember how to really see.
Ask yourself the question once more: what does a healthy relationship look like?
And then:
Open the eye of your heart.

Long-Term Couples: Sexual Healing and Improving

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If you think you are dealing with sexual issues in your relationship, guess what: your issues are really much deeper than sex.

However, they are showing up in your relationship in the form of sex.

For the purposes of this blog, let’s define “sexual issues” as: one or both of you are uncomfortable or unhappy with the sex in your relationship – too much, too little, or the energy and emotions just don’t feel right.

Solving these issues requires a new mindset: before reaching sexual solutions, you must first face the more basic issues that are expressing themselves – sexually – between the two of you. You must, with gentle courage, discover what they are, and walk through them in every aspect of your life together, because they are not going to go away otherwise.

Once you break through them, you will easily make love, in a natural and fulfilling way.

The issues that come up in sex therapy cut to the core of who you and your partner are as human beings, often in unexpected ways. They are often so painful or embarrassing to face that people are either in denial about them, or are simply unwilling to deal with them.

“Normal” men and women (as well as self-professed “freaks”) can deny how deep these wounds really go: their self-protecting ego is also self-sabotaging; it has grown too fearful and inflexible to let in the light, and so therefore:

The first, most basic and ESSENTIAL step to take when solving sexual problems is that you both resolve -within yourselves – to be unconditionally kind, caring and patient with each other, while you work through these issues.

If this is hard for you – if you are impatient or fed up or too uncomfortable to deal – then this is your issue, that you are responsible for healing – if you want to redeem your relationship.

You don’t have to. You can do whatever you want. But if you want to create a healthy sexual relationship between you and your partner, you must sincerely work towards getting over yourself.

So does your partner – absolutely. But so do you – no matter what comes up.

Even if you feel like a victim – your partner feels like one too, I promise!

Don’t get me wrong: abuse is never, ever OK. If you need to get away from abuse, make that choice!

But if we’re really talking about bad habits – of thought as well as action – or a dynamic where the two of you are still calibrating your compatibility with each other (even if it’s been many years) –

Well of course that’s all got to change –

But such change only happens when both partners feel safe to share the truth of who they are.

It is very possible that deep down, your partner has issues with self-acceptance. They may even hate themselves – something they may not even admit to themselves. They may be projecting this self-loathing onto you, by treating you as if you are some kind of problem.

While conversely – maybe your sex life is forcing you to face ways that you don’t like yourself.

These are just a few examples of the kind of hidden dynamics that play out in a couple’s intimate relationship. The good news is that this space of intimacy and sexuality is the very place these issues can be healed and transformed.

However, the only way to heal these kinds of devastating wounds is through unconditional love and acceptance.

Not just kind in the bedroom, but in every aspect of your life together.

If a partner does not feel emotionally safe and connected outside of the bedroom, there is no way they can feel comfortable getting totally naked and vulnerable during sex. Even couples who have “successful” sex can be deeply unfulfilled if the underlying relationship issues remain unresolved.

So there is no room for judging or criticizing – only pure acceptance and support…for yourself, and for your partner, wherever you may be stuck now.

If you resist that idea, you must ask yourself why – are you just so sexually frustrated that you are out of patience? Do you feel like you have already tried over and over and are starting to lose faith that you can actually see results?

There is literally no chance of resolving sexual issues unless both partners feel emotionally safe with each other – no chance, in fact, of having a truly, deeply fulfilling relationship at all.

Give yourself the love and care you want from your partner. You deserve it! Lose the urgency, lose the despair – you have nothing but space and time to work through this. Have faith that however this situation resolves, it will ultimately leave you more comfortable in your own skin, more aligned with your true desires and needs, than even seems possible right now.

And then turn your thoughts to your partner…

Look into the depths of their being…(if you can’t do that, then we’re hitting the edge of the problem right there)…yes, look and ask yourself: if there is a special human soul, a hidden brighter light, shining behind wherever they are stuck, a light that can meet your needs….whether they are shut down or closed off or neurotic or anxious or mean or weird or fat or flabby or sad:

Do you see something deeper in them, a spirit on a journey, just like yourself, that wants to shine, and love, but hasn’t yet figured out how?

If so, then they are trapped by their own limitations just as you are trapped by their limitations – and of course, just as you are trapped by your own…

For at this moment in time, they are your reality – they are the life you have chosen and created for yourself. The life that you are responsible for.

And just as you are longing to shine your light, so are they –

Even if, for the moment, all you perceive is the shadow they cast…

But otherwise…ask yourself: If you could have a loving caring rock-solid physical connection with them – would you want that?

Not “do you believe you can right now,” but really, in a perfect world, if you knew you could – would you?

If the answer is yes, then this mindset I have described is the actual first, necessary step on the road to healing…a road which may be much shorter than it now seems…and a road which I will detail at great lengths in future posts!