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How To Stop Letting Emotion Control Your Words

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When we’re arguing with our partner and our emotions take over, we end up saying and doing things that we really regret –

Things that really hurt our relationship…

Which is a great opportunity for us to learn how to change –

So that we can grow together as a team –

And also evolve into the very best version of ourselves as individuals…

 

Do You Remember?

When you were younger, was there a toy that you really wanted?

A party, or a concert, that you really wanted to go to – but couldn’t?

Or look back upon any time in your life – an old crush? – where you didn’t get what you wanted, and it felt so urgent, like the end of the world –

You might have even cried about it –

But you look back now and laugh, because it wasn’t a big deal at all…

And this is really no different than your emotions when you are arguing today –

Because no matter how frustrated you feel –

There is no reality to your sense of urgency…

 

The Developmental Psychology “Lens”

According to various models of developmental psychology, there are “tasks” that we must master at different stages of our life journey.

At one year old you have to learn how to not poop your diapers…

As you get a little older, you must learn to not interrupt people when they’re talking, or butt to the front of the line, or just take something because you want it…

And as you grow into adulthood, the tasks become more refined – you continue to develop morally, socially, emotionally, intellectually…

So these are life tasks, and the fact is that as you master these tasks, you feel good about yourself, but also –

Something inside of you – a sense of self – is aware that this is the way you are supposed to be developing –

And conversely, when you don’t develop these skills, the result is that you lose self-esteem – you don’t feel good about yourself…

And one of the life skills that we are supposed to learn is how to be in a mature intimate adult relationship…

 

Emotional Maturity and Being “Right”

In one sense, these “tasks” can be considered expressions of self-regulation:

I have to poop, but I’m not going to…

I want to butt to the front of the line, but I’m not going to…

And in a situation where your fighting with your partner: “I have to be right, but you’re not letting me” –

Well, let’s pause it there for a minute –

Because that’s basically the dynamic that’s causing the conflict:

“I want to be right. I want you to see me as right. I don’t want to be contradicted. I want what I want. What I want is right.”

This could refer to something very shallow and superficial, or something very deep –

But the need to be “right” is the same.

In any situation where both of you have conflicting perspectives, the way that you can feel good about yourself is to take a mature, collaborative, and exploratory approach…

When that’s the mindset you shift into, you have passed this developmental test!

“I want to be right, but you’re not letting me, so –

I’m going to listen with care and interest to your side of the disagreement, and then together we’ll figure out why we see things so differently, and collaborate lovingly, moving through this, coming out strong…”

 

Does “Right” equal “Safe?”

The ultimate thing you need from a relationship is safety.

In a relationship, safety means acceptance, connection, and unconditional love…

Once you have that established, then you can relax into living with each other and enjoying each other and caring for each other…

None of those things are about you being “right.

Surrender your need to be right during an argument!

Know this with peace and certainty: if you are “right”, that will reveal itself organically, as you problem-solve together with love and care…

Or maybe you will discover that you are actually wrong….

Or…most likely…you will both agree that the “truth” lies somewhere in a wonderful middle ground where you can both feel great ease…

 

Problem-Solving Together

Yelling and arguing are an ego defense posture.

We create this ego structure because it’s so much easier to be angry than it is to feel the pain –

But what’s the pain?

Is it the pain of not getting what we want?

Is the pain that you’re afraid you are not really loved in the relationship – that your partner is rejecting you – or are you misinterpreting your circumstances? (could be either one).

Or is the pain that we don’t feel capable of getting what we want and that makes us frustrated with ourselves and feel unworthy –

Like we don’t have the life skills – the self-worth, the relationship skills –

The value, in one way or another – to get what we want?

It could be any of these things, but you can’t explore the truth until you release the veil of egoic emotions that you have gathered around yourself…

The Warrior

Basically you’ve created this fighter – a warrior – that’s going to protect you from feeling pain–

The pain of not having your needs met in a relationship –

The pain of not feeling loved enough, cared for enough, important enough –

The pain of not having your emotional needs met in a relationship, and the feelings of disrespect and injury that result –

So when you treat your partner like an opponent, it’s this warrior that is speaking and acting through you –

And it’s time to say to that warrior, “thank you for your service – but I don’t need you anymore”

 

How to Let Go

To break through these automatic emotions, you have to learn how to let them go.

Not suppress them – which only creates more tension – but actually release them.

This is a skill which is physical, mental and emotional.

It means feeling the tension viscerally –

A challenge which again, is physical, mental and emotional –

Learn to notice these from a place of safety and detachment which you have already established and experienced as your “true” self –

And release it – the whole experience of agitation and distress – so that all you feel is peace, relief, and ease –

Even as you and your partner work through issues that in the past have turned you into adversaries.

This process, of learning how to do this, is at the heart of all effective relationship work.

It is how marriages and relationships become the Love of a Lifetime.

What To Do If My “Stay Calm” Advice to Stop Fighting Doesn’t Work

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What do you do if the tools don’t work?

What if all of those amazing strategies you’ve been given –

The “I” statements, the empathy, the validation, the communication techniques –

What if, in the moment that you deploy them, your partner stays triggered, or even escalates?

You were hoping they would suddenly “snap out of it” –

You want to hear them gush with relief:

Thank you – as they throw their arms around you – I get it! Thank you for hearing me and not fighting me! You’re the best partner ever!

But instead, they say things like:

“You’ve promised this before – I don’t believe a word you’re saying”

“If that were true, then why did you (*insert complaint here*)”

“Oh (mocking you) you are just so calm and mature, and I’m just crazy, everything’s my fault, right?”

So Now What?

This initial “fail”  is universal for all of us!

And it can be so damaging, if it makes you so hopeless that you abandon the whole process –

Afraid that your partner is beyond the reach of even your most sincere efforts –

But the fact is that the change, the healing, the shift between you, is actually right on schedule –

Taking place, in a sense, behind the scenes –

If you can lose your attachment to getting immediate results –

And, in those moments, continue to hold the space with love…

In other words, persevere –

And look, I get it – it is so very painful-

When you are truly trying to change and grow…

And care and connect and be vulnerable…

To have your partner lash out at you, or turn cold and hard…

But if you understand the factors at play, you can actually use these moments to create the breakthrough you both are longing for –

If you remember that this is simply more of a long-term effort than you wish it was…

Keep holding the space of love, and keep these things in mind:

 

They Are Trapped, and You Can Free Them

When your partner – or anyone, including yourself – is emotionally escalated, they are in a sympathetic nervous system state of fear – what most of us know as fight/flight/freeze.

This is true even if they are being aggressive, in which case, on a nervous system level, they are afraid of a threat.

This is almost always related to unresolved lifelong wounds around emotional vulnerability, and affects everything about how they perceive you – including the very clarity of their thoughts.

 

Therefore:

When you realize your partner is escalated, shift your thinking from being frustrated that you can’t communicate “rationally” –

And replace it with this awareness:

In that moment, you are no longer having a dialogue, an exchange of ideas and perceptions –

And instead, you are simply helping someone you care about make it through a painful emotional episode – 

Accept it without ego:

Someone you love is in distress – they feel unsafe.

You cannot expect anyone in the throes of an emotional episode to do anything but protect themselves, automatically using the fight/flight/freeze programming – their “armor” – to “protect” themselves –

Even though it has actually kept them trapped all their lives, preventing them from owning their power to communicate effectively, problem-solve, and create positive outcomes.

 

Another Consideration

Through the years, confronting but not resolving relationship triggers, winding around each other’s unmet needs, and blind spots regarding emotional wholeness…

The two of you have, over time, created a script that you both know by heart –

Where you both know your roles…

And when you take that away from them – by trying to communicate in a different way, using your new therapeutic tools –

The primal reaction of the protective identity created by their fight/flight/freeze response is to feel afraid, and confused, and uncomfortable…

And so they may continue to be mad, because it is always easier to feel the rage than the pain behind the rage, with all its vulnerability…

But beneath the surface, they are absorbing your finer vibration…

A transitional period which you both must go through until the “rewiring” really establishes itself –

It may take a little longer than you wish it did, but with consistency –

And the support of a solid therapeutic, coaching, or otherwise comprehensive approach –

The sense of safety and a “new normal” becomes strong…

They will eventually feel more grateful and loving towards you than ever before, that you put in the effort to heal both of you…

And as this more refined vibration becomes the energy, the light in which you both make your home with each other.

The change will come – sooner than you think – if you are True to Love.

The First Step For Married Couples To Stop Fighting

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If you want to finally break the pattern of conflict that so many couples find themselves in, stuck in that toxic dance you both hate:

Where you truly care for each other, but can’t stop communicating like opponents rather than teammates –

You need to really get that the first step is the hardest.

I’m referring to that flash point, in the heat of the moment, when the agitation between you feels the thickest –

That is the very instant where you must choose to take it:

This step you must master to turn tension and conflict into peace and ease –

And which is not only the hardest, but it is the very foundation of all relationship conflict work –

And it is simply this:

Before you speak –

Be Still.

Not cold, not frozen (two completely different emotional states, right?)

But still.

Be still, and hold the space with love.

Master your “fight/flight/freeze” nervous system response –

And stop allowing it to control you –

Stop letting it compel you –

To do and say things that destroy all the love –

Learn how to pause before responding, which is so very hard, because it requires us to work through deeply ingrained emotional reactions that have been with us throughout our lives –

Patterns of behavior that are designed to psychologically protect us –

And biologically to ensure our very survival –

But they sabotage our ability to connect with the one person we long to the most –

But when you are able to recognize and release your urge to tighten up and lash out, or shut down –

Not suppress it, but release it –

Then you transform the drama between you into a flow of peace and ease –

Into which all the tension can dissolve…

And it will…

If you do it consistently enough –

It will…

Video Blog: “But I Didn’t Say That!” – (When Your Partner Goes Nuts Over Nothing!)

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There you are, having a rational discussion, when suddenly your partner misinterprets something you said – and goes ballistic on you! Even worse, no matter how you explain, they CLING to their anger – they won’t listen to reason! Well, the next time this happens, just think about this: (from the front page of the Beyond Therapy blog, click on the title of this article, or else just click this link

Are You A Straight-Talker Or Just A Jerk?

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When squabbles come up between you and your partner, are you a straight-talking truth-teller? Or is that just how you rationalize being mean? There is a better way, you know: you can actually handle these scenes in a way that brings you closer together, instead of creating a rift! If you are on this blog’s front page click the title of this article to watch the video, or else just click this link.

How To Heal Relationship Stress Using This ‘Psychic’ Method

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OK, my title sounds pretty dubious  – do you like the picture? – but no matter who you are, if you’re stressed out in your relationship, and you watch the video, you will know I speak only Truth about your problem – and the solution! If you are on the front page of the blog, click on this article’s title for the video, or else just click here to watch it.

How to Discuss “Eggshell” Topics

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One of the biggest challenges couples face is: how to talk about “eggshell” topics – those topics that you can’t discuss without fighting, or hurting feelings, or getting defensive – topics that one way or another, whenever you approach them, you both ending up feeling like crap about the relationship…
Topics like: in-laws and relatives and friends you disagree on; past hurts, or future plans; personal hygiene, kids – and of course, money…you avoid these topics, yet they simmer unspoken beneath the surface; live-wire obstacles to real trust and intimacy and fulfillment.
That’s why there shouldn’t be ANY “eggshell” topics in your relationship at all – and I promise you it can be done –
But for now, let’s just address how to actually have a breakthrough, and be able to discuss these “eggshell” topics in a new way.
First, you must understand why the topics are “eggshell” in the first place: it’s not just because you disagree with each other; it’s because you actually don’t feel safe with each other. Deep in your subconscious, you are both afraid that, because you feel differently about a topic, your partner will reject you – a painful experiences we avoid at all costs.
In fact, what you are both really avoiding is the need to change. Depending on who is “more” responsible for the particular situation, this change can take many forms – but at its core, it means a change in how you relate to each other. It means discussing “eggshell” topics in a way that both of you end up actually feeling closer and more loving with each other – better, not worse, about the relationship.
Topics are “eggshell” because they trigger negative emotions – and negative emotions make you both feel unsafe. This means that the art of discussing them successfully is, instead, to trigger positive emotions. This is not only easier than it sounds, it is actually one of the highest blessings of a relationship – the feeling that you are safe with each other no matter what comes up between you.
To do this, you must powerfully create a certain feeling between you – otherwise, the negative emotions will take on a life of their own. This requires that you speak to each other in a very special way. And since you are the one who is taking the lead on it, at first, only you will know how to do this – which you demonstrate by example.
So here are five basic steps to discussing “eggshell topics:

Step One:
Look into your heart and find the place that appreciates your partner, that is grateful for their being in your life. Find everything you love and honor and respect about them – all of their best qualities, all the ways you have known them to be good and kind and smart and terrific, as human beings, as your best friend and lover, perhaps as a parent. Really connect with this knowing within you.
Step Two:
Approach your partner and tell them that you love them. Tell them specific things you love about them. Tell them how grateful you are that they are in your life.
Step Three:
While holding this attitude of love and care – this reality – in your heart and mind, tell your partner that there is something that you want to talk about. Say that – so far – it feels like the two of you can’t talk about it without feeling uncomfortable, but you want to be able to talk about anything and still feel the love between you. Say that no matter what they say, you respect how they feel, and you love them. But you have to be able to talk about this topic, and there are things you want to say as well. Tell them you are willing to change and compromise and care about everything they have to say, to make sure they feel totally safe and loved by you no matter what, every step of the way – but also, this thing needs to be talked about – and you love them (you say again).
Step Four:
Empathize with their point of view: in other words, put into words how their point of view would make sense from their perspective: “I know you work hard for the money and it doesn’t seem like a reasonable purchase” “I know you don’t want to start a fight with your mother by not going” “I know how you must be so tired that you’re not even thinking about putting down the toilet seat” – then say, “But this is hard for me because…” and state your side of it. THEN say “I don’t care about being right, I just want us to figure out a way we can compromise on this and both feel great about our relationship and each other and the whole situation – and I love you!”
Step Five:
Throughout the conversation, keep telling them that you love them. That you support them. That you are so grateful they are in your life. Touch them gently, with love. Insert compliments into the conversation – things you love, admire, respect, and appreciate about them.
THE POINT IS NOT TO MANIPULATE – IT IS TO BE AS SINCERE AS POSSIBLE!
None of this is manipulative – it is caring about the fact that they don’t feel safe with the topic, so you are creating the space of safety for both of you. This is not “fake” because, well, if you don’t feel this way towards them, then why are you in the relationship?
No matter what they say, keep affirming how much you love and appreciate them.

There are many versions of “eggshell” topics, and this is just a basic overview of a general approach. It’s a radical way, and you have to be open-minded…but remember, conversation with your partner is just like sex: there is nobody looking but the two of you, so don’t try to be “cool”, instead care and connect and support each other, and then only magic will happen.
If it is hard to picture or understand what I have described here – or if you think that it is “just not you” – then I assure you, I can help you find the version of this approach that “is” you.
The big secret is: when you both feel completely safe with each other – all the eggshell topics will disappear – there will truly be nothing that you are uncomfortable talking about, and no problems you can’t solve together.
And when you have a relationship where you can talk about anything at all, you are both set free to become the man or woman you have always wanted to be – and to create the relationship with each other that both of your hearts have always longed for.
Please contact me with any questions or comments – this is all Truth, and I am here to help you with it.