Yes, you can save your marriage after cheating on your husband.

In fact, your marriage can be much stronger than it was before (as impossible as that may feel right now) – if you are both willing to put in the work.

That’s both of you – not just you, alhough you did make a serious mistake.

This is because the key to repairing your relationship is based on facing, together, the reality that even before this grim crisis, your marriage was impaired by unresolved issues which your infidelity has finally forced you to face as a team.

And if you both work together to fix these issues, your marriage will – eventually – feel connected for life at a deeper, superior level of loving union.

Don’t get me wrong – you did the wrong thing – very wrong. You must indeed take steps to make it right, and earn back your husband’s trust

But you cheated because your needs were not being met, and that pain has not gone anywhere.

That matters too.

So this is not a contest to see who is the “good guy” and the “bad guy”.

After working through the initial shock, you must both resist the urge to oversimplify this debacle into a narrative of pure blame and shame.

Instead, attack this: as an opportunity for both of you to learn and grow. A chance to move forward in a meaningful and fulfilling way.

The hard truth is that some kind of unhappiness existed between you which neither of you knew how to capably address.

Learning how to have the challenging conversations that you previously could not, and seeing them all the way through to a resolution, is a basic foundation of a thriving marriage.

Teaching couples how to do this is an essential component of any relationship coaching or therapy.

And so, this truly is an opportunity to come closer together than ever before: to acknowledge difficulties and work through them together with a new level of care and maturity.

If there is enough love between you to repair and forgive – if at the end of the day, your shared longing to be together is more profound than the hurt and need which this crisis has forced you to confront – then you really can emerge from this ordeal with a peaceful, loving home.

Healing each other with love is the solution and remedy.

We can take a three – part approach:

1. Stabilize emotional wounds
2. Heal them  
3. Fill your marriage with so much love that this never happens again!

 

Stabilize the Emotional Wounds with Care and Respect

Now that you are reassured that your wounds matter too – put them on hold, just for a short period of time.

Remember that your husband feels violated at the most primal level of his emotional safety. Your wounds may be deep, but your partner’s are raw – serious and acute.

So they come first – just for now.

Maybe for a few days, maybe a week: give your husband an emergency grace period to just be hurt, and vent, and don’t hide from him.

Instead, show up with care and respect. Express it with words and demonstrate it with actions.

Because your husband feels incredibly disrespected.

In a practical sense what this means is that while it is important to be remorseful, and apologize, it is just as important to express to him all the ways that you honor and appreciate him.

Tell him – don’t wait, and don’t hold back.

As we say to children: use your words, and share with him: all the ways that you love, enjoy, and respect him. Do it randomly, consistently, and sincerely, as a conscious act of love.

This might be a new behavior pattern, and it might feel strange under the circumstances, but so what – you need to take action!

Put extra effort into being present and kind. Demonstrate general good intentions, sincerity, humility, and remorse.

He might accuse you of trying to manipulate him, or say that you are only saying these things because you feel bad, or want to maintain stability.

Just own the truth of what you are doing: that you know he must wonder if he can trust that you love him enough, so you are going to show him, from your heart, that you really want him to be your person.

That you regard him highly as a human being. That you take pleasure in who he is. That your feelings for him are solid ground to rebuild on.

That is how he will start to feel safe with you again. To respect himself. And to have faith that a fulfilling life together is not only possible, but worth it.

It might be tempting to avoid him – but that will only trigger more pain and resentment. At this point your husband is too hurt and confused – threatened – to always think clearly…so he will interpret avoidance as rejection.

He needs to feel that you are taking responsibility for yourself without hiding – that the care you feel for his pain is more compelling than any impulse you may have to stay away.

This is a chance for you to learn how to feel deeply remorseful as an act of personal growth: without beating yourself up. And without that underlying sense of dread and doom.

These are life skills that you might not have yet acquired.

Go out of your way to demonstrate respect – without fear of him. This is important: if he feels that you are afraid of him, then he will feel even more disrespected, because he will sense that you are acting from an emotionally immature fear of “being in trouble” – rather than honor and care for him.

But if he feels that you appreciate his dignity and value, then he can start to open emotionally to you again.

You must share space with him in a way that he feels you are attentive, authentic, and emotionally available. Not in an anxious, walking-on-eggshells way, but with a no-drama sincerity that demonstrates support for any injury he is feeling.

As if you are rediscovering your own personal power – and self-respect – in the authenticity of your goodness and sincerity. Because you are.

So this is the time for you to be emotionally giving, without feeling like you are compromising the very emotional needs that led to your indiscretion in the first place.

I am not saying to completely avoid the topic of your own unmet needs, or pretend they aren’t significant – that habit might have been one factor which drove you to put yourself in this predicament.

But just for this stabilization period, allude to your own needs gently – as part of a bigger picture, which you will work through together at the right time, very soon. Don’t try to actively resolve them.

That said, this is also very important: he is not allowed to just stay “stuck”.

After this initial grace period, the two of you must take intentional action to move forward, by spending time together, communicating, and generally prioritizing the connection between the two of you, with or without the help of a third party.

 

Heal the Emotional Wounds

Problem-solving. Couples are already in the habit of becoming defensive when either partner tries to discuss how they may be unfulfilled in the relationship.

Healthy marriages are not threatened if this is brought up, as all long-term partnerships need occasional tweaking and readjusting.  The topic simply inspires a caring exploration of how to better meet each other’s needs.

But too many partners instead simply hear themselves being criticized, and then either shut down or lash out.

This has been your pattern as well: when differences emerged between you, you each shifted into self-preservation mode – you triggered each other. On the primitive level of your unconscious biology, you suddenly perceived other as an opponent – you each felt emotionally abandoned and unsafe.

Infidelity has made that mutual sense of instability more intense.

Learning how to work through difficult topics with courage and sensitivity is a developmental milestone within any successful relationship.

It will at first be uncomfortable, as you are not used to relating to each other with this level of depth.

However, as you develop and cultivate your intention to show up for each other, warmth and collaboration soon replace discomfort. You start to actually look forward to problem-solving together!

In practical terms, this means learning and applying specific communication skills that empower you to deepen your connection with each other.

Good news: I have a plethora of blogs and videos on how to communicate with each other (find them on my Youtube channel Ray Rivers – Relationship Remedy) but to get you started on your Google research, communication skills include:

Mindful communication, emotional self-regulation, active and reflective listening, empathetic responses, using “I” statements, creating healthy feedback loops, and applying differentiation skills.

Here’s A Tip to Finally Talk About Those Issues You’ve Been Avoiding: Try This

Here is one practical step with which you can apply when approaching conversations that are potentially triggering:

If you are asking your partner to discuss possible changes they could make towards better meeting your needs, and you are afraid they will become defensive and then accusatory:

First, identify the psychological or emotional reason that will likely feel threatened. This will either be a personal quality (such as a negative implication about their generosity, or maturity, or intelligence) or simply a lifestyle choice they are attached to, which they feel you may want to deprive them (“stop watching football on Sundays and help me clean the house.”)

Then, when discussing, before bringing up your concern, first explicitly reassure them on their point of insecurity. In other words, pre-empt their defensiveness by establishing both a sense of respect, and a commitment to an outcome they are pleased with.

So for example, if you are communicating you feel as if they work too much, at the expense of spending time together, the likely trigger is that they are going to feel attacked rather than respected for their work habits. So using the following template as a guide to find your own way of expressing it, you might say something along the general lines of:

“Husband, you are such a hard worker – you work so hard for our family. I respect your work ethic so much. And you are such a good provider – I so appreciate you, and admire you, and I’m just so grateful. But honey, I’m lonely. I miss you. Could we talk about figuring out a way we could spend more time together.”

The initial statements of respect and appreciation open him up, whereas if you simply approached him requesting more time together, he would reflexively feel both that he was being made wrong and that you were trying to take away something important to him.

This is not manipulative, because its intent is to create a more loving, caring connection between you, not to “get what you want” – it is a way of communicating with greater consciousness, and a more empathetic understanding of how we interpret each other’s words. This is especially helpful while we are still fortifying the basic connections we share with each other – which many couples are still doing even after many years together.

Honor Yourself – Even Still

You matter.

In a screwed-up way, that’s why you were unfaithful: your needs were not being met.

And you didn’t know how to make that matter.

So you acted out: in an immature and selfish way, you asserted your right to control the happiness in your life. To not be dismissed.

In a sense, you asserted your value – by seeking the attention that you know you deserve.

But you did it by violating your own moral values.

You feel so guilty – but you also feel confused.

Because you know that you did something wrong – but you also know that you have the right to an emotionally fulfilling connection with your partner.

You’ve simply felt helpless.

Your authentic self – the essence of who you are as a human being – is completely worthy of the connection you long for!

Until now, you have not known how to stand fully in your power and connect with your husband in a way that commands the attention you deserve. You have done your best, but you were limited by wherever you became stuck developmentally on your personal life journey.

The same is true for your husband – he does not know how to show up in the marriage fully present either. Couples always mirror each other as they work through their issues.

So now, this crisis is forcing you both to get unstuck – to evolve into your highest potentials as both individuals, and as a couple. That is the marriage you both deserve.

It is so important that, moving forward to repair the marriage, your emotional needs do not become lost again. Your needs and your husband’s needs are not mutually exclusive – that warped dynamic was the problem in the first place.

Honor Him

Your husband wants the same things as you: to be valued, appreciated, and respected. To focus and share what he is, not what he is not. To feel like you enjoy him as a human being.

The more you communicate ways that you appreciate him, the more he will be drawn towards sharing experiences with you. You will also find that he reciprocates, as mutual appreciation becomes a groove you both fall into.

Once again, this is not a manipulative, sweet-talking technique – I am inviting you to genuinely contemplate all the ways that you feel gratitude for having this human being in your life, and share that with him as a general orientation.

When he brings it up out of nowhere

It is likely that he may suddenly, out of nowhere, tell you that he is thinking about the affair, and feeling betrayed.

Every time this happens, simply meet his eyes and say “I know. I am so sorry. I wish I hadn’t done that. All I care about is us being together moving forward. I love you. I will tell you that as many times as you need to hear it to feel safe. I love you.”

Don’t say it defensively, or as if you are trying to convince him. Say it from the deep truth of your heart, as you care for this hurting human being. With enough time, if the two of you have enough love for each other, your union will heal.

 

Fill The Marriage With So Much Love That This Never Happens Again

Your efforts to apply the previous suggestions will likely reveal that you had fallen out of the habit of being present with each other: of taking pleasure in each other’s company and cultivating this enjoyment.

One of greatest pleasures of all marriages is rediscovering the uniqueness of the special person we are married to –

This means releasing unconscious negativity, and nurturing instead a sense of gratitude, possibility, and shared inner peace. Nourishing our sense of appreciation for the life journey we have chosen to take together.

You have likely fallen into the habit of focusing on negative aspects of your connection – anticipating negative experiences which then become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Why not give yourself the gift of approaching your new experiences together with an open mind, and an attitude of discovery, looking for the good?

That’s what a happy marriage is: when a couple finds themselves with needs that are seemingly conflicting, they work out a solution that feels good and complete to both partners.

Put another way: happy couples transform potential conflicts into acts of love that in themselves strengthen the marriage – because both partners love putting their marriage first. They love meeting each other’s needs.

Put all of your efforts into sharing life with each other, and connecting – not because your lives are glamorous and unique (although they may be) – but because you are a couple on a journey together, and sharing experiences is how we celebrate that fact.

Savor the old pleasures you have always shared, and create new moments just by appreciating each other’s company.

This current struggle will disappear into the distant past.

Learning how to face relationship challenges as a supportive team, rather than an uneasy alliance, will transform your marriage into a safe, loving sanctuary for both of you.

 

Work With A Professional

In the midst of trauma the emotions are so powerful that its easy to feel that all hope is lost.  The feeling of helplessness is the reason you acted out of character in the first place.  Hope is not lost! This is an opportunity to come back stronger than EVER before.  More healthy in your communication. Ready to receive the blessings of a seasoned battle-tested marriage that can be your destiny if you seize the day and own this opportunity.  Book your free 15-minute appointment with me now by clicking below.