Can People “Really” Change?

When we work together I want you to feel lighter – relief! –  right away – radical change without wasting time  – so you can breathe again, as fast as possible –

And our results are usually, remarkably, strong –

That’s why I created this program –

And when we feel complete with our work –

As my couples drive off into the proverbial sunset –

The most common question I get is: “How do we never lose this?

“How do we make sure we don’t fall back into our old habits in six months?”

What they often really mean by this is: “I’m down, Ray, I get it! But how do I know my partner won’t fall back into their old ways?”

There are answers to both questions – there IS a “How” –

A “how” that has to do with a deep topic: how do human beings really change…

Because in struggling marriages throughout history, hurt and wounded partners have condemned each other with this prophecy:

“You’ll never change!”

In sessions with me, hesitant to fully commit to the process, they turn philosophical and forecast doom: “People are who they are…they make promises and then go right back to their old ways…”

But that’s not true.

I know.

Of course people can really, truly, authentically transform –

From being defensive and reactive and stuck in their ways –

To being sweet, sincere and fully collaborative –

And it is my honor, my privilege, my passion –

To show them how –

To show you how!

But it must also be said –

There are indeed those relationships where one or both partners will just never “get it” …

And are doomed to remain stuck at an emotional dead end.

And all I can do is give them my best…while I do my best to connect with those who I can really help the most…

So the question is: what does it actually take for a breakthrough?

The answer is deep…

Real vs. Fake

If you want to be one of those happy couples who feel peaceful and connected, full of light and love, responsive to each other’s needs –

That means you have to actually do and say loving things –

But you don’t want to be “fake” about it, right?

I mean, you don’t want to smile and be kind and hold hands when you’re really not feeling it – when you’re tired, or stressed-out, or pissed off – right?

Or when all you want is some alone time after a hard day at work – and, oh, here we go: here comes your partner, needy for attention –

What are you supposed to do, put on a fake face?

No never!

Never fake – or condescending or patronizing or any other not-fun marriage-desecrating games you may have been playing with your time together –

This is the moment for you to be more authentic than ever, because –

Here’s What’s Fake

If you truly want your relationship to manifest an infinite flow of kindness and care –

And you should –

Then the real question to explore is: why do you experience giving love to your partner as a drain or an annoyance in the first place?

After a hard day’s work, why doesn’t a hug from your partner revive and energize you, repair and soothe you, fill you with love, smooth out the day’s rough edges?

Isn’t that the whole point of being together?

The Real You

Deep down, you don’t really want to push your partner away –

You want them to understand what you need and care about it –

And you want to do the same for them…

That’s the real you – it’s what you’re longing to do…

So what we’re talking about isn’t really change –

It’s taking back your power –

Your power to create a life full of love –

By getting out of your own way so you can remember who you really are…

Become who you were meant to be –

The best version of yourself! –

Stand strong in that Truth – and share that with your partner…

We Do What We Know

Partners talk to each other the way they grew up hearing  –

The way their parents and family talked, or others who influenced them during formative years.

They don’t know that there’s another way – they actually don’t know that you don’t have to fight, or snipe, or huff, or whine, or bitch.

But couples are so hard-wired to communicate a certain way, that it actually feels “unnatural” to be warm and open with their partner –

So the couple keeps hurting each other’s feelings –

Even though neither of them wants to…

So What Happened?

Like all of us, you’ve been trained, programmed, socialized –

Misguided –

Through your time together and even long before that –

Life and the world in which we live…family, culture, society itself –

Conditioned you to ignore your inner knowing –

And blocked you off from your own heart’s wisdom –

By dragging you through traumatic experiences, when you were at your most vulnerable, that you may not even be consciously aware of…

Until your natural ability to give and receive love effortlessly became so clouded over that you forgot how easy and right it is to do  –

Even though it is the very thing we were all born for…

Although you may have been conditioned to minimize this: “Oh come on, honey, don’t be so sensitive!”  –

Which is premature when you say it –

Because you haven’t – yet – created the rock-solid, emotionally safe connection with each other which would make those words actually bonding and fun –

Instead of, as they land now, alienating and hurtful…

So How Does Change Happen?

We’ve all heard of celebrities – or perhaps you know someone – who has gone away on multiple occasions to an expensive live-in addiction treatment facility: for drugs, alcohol, gambling, food, pornography…

“I’ve gone to rehab five times” they say…so much time, so much money…

All that effort setting them up for success –

An idyllic stress-free setting, a dedicated staff committed to their healing –

Days full of group and individual therapy –

Activities for creativity and rejuvenation…

And lots of love – because true change doesn’t happen without love and care…

And when they leave 30 days later, they are 30 days sober – but then –

*They relapse! *

They dive right back in –

Right back to the pathology they just spent 50 grand “beating” –

Right back to destroying their own lives, along with everyone else in their world…

But then…

There are those…

Who never even go near a treatment facility…

They beat their habit all on their own –

They take a look at themselves in the mirror one day and decide…

“I’m done!”

And they kick it for good, forever – cold turkey.

Perhaps they lock themselves in a room for a week or two, and sweat, and soil the sheets, and pray, and do whatever it takes to make it through…

Fighting off violent cravings, day by day…all those taunting inner voices, cajoling them to cave…

Or maybe they just go about their daily lives –

Staying true to the vow in their soul  –

To Love and Honor themselves…and others too, yes…

Until the cravings cease, and they are free…

So what’s the difference between these two struggling humans –

The one who can’t get it together no matter how much care and support they invest in, and the one who sets their mind to it, and triumphs all on their own?

It’s the same difference between the couples who break through to love, and the ones who stay stuck…

Fear of Love

Both the addict and the walled-off lover are afraid…

For an addict, once they have experienced enough pain and danger and fear, often in childhood –

The addictive substance or behavior becomes his dependable, familiar hiding place…

The lover is also afraid: of being mistreated…misunderstood…

Rejected, abandoned, judged…

Most couples must go through these uniquely painful dynamics, until they learn how to come into harmony with each other…

Harmony…and union…

At the end of the day, it’s every man and woman looking into the mirror of their soul, and making a choice –

Because they realize that while growth may be painful–

It leads to a freedom that in the deepest way –

Is really an end to the pain they’ve struggled with for most of their lives –

And an open door to infinite possibilities of true happiness and fulfillment….

Take Back Your Power

My business is teaching couples how to communicate, anything – everything! – in a way that makes them feel warm, safe and connected.

The fact that this may sound too good to be true is only because toxic communication has been normalized –

When the truth is that every moment in your relationship –

Even a challenging one where you want to push your partner away –

Is actually a chance to draw you closer together –

To truly, authentically feel closer to each other –

By learning how to say anything to your partner –

*Anything!*

In a way that makes them feel both cared for and respected –

And that feels good and warm to you as well –

Instead of making them feel like they annoy you –

Which actually makes everyone feel lousy!

There Are So Many Ways!

If we look at the big picture: misery loves company –

And the widespread – it’s everywhere! – self-perpetuating misery –

Of being afraid and unsure of our vulnerable nature –

Has normalized the ridicule and avoidance of loving behavior  –

When it is actually the very foundation of “happily ever after” –

But you know the truth:

How you speak to someone shows how you feel towards them in that moment –

Whether you are feeling the fear of real connection –

Or the love behind the fear…

Am I saying that a relationship can evolve to a stage where nothing blocks the flow of care and connection between you?

YES!

You just need to learn how to trust your inner knowing that this is possible –

And empower yourself through right guidance – the tools, the skill sets, the inner and outer “game” –

To bring into reality this dream which is shared deep within the hearts of every sincere couple. Many find that online marriage counseling offers the practical support and deeper emotional work needed to make that change real.

And becoming the perfect dream partner for each other: warm, loving and sincere –

Just chill!