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How To Stop Letting Emotion Control Your Words

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When we’re arguing with our partner and our emotions take over, we end up saying and doing things that we really regret –

Things that really hurt our relationship…

Which is a great opportunity for us to learn how to change –

So that we can grow together as a team –

And also evolve into the very best version of ourselves as individuals…

 

Do You Remember?

When you were younger, was there a toy that you really wanted?

A party, or a concert, that you really wanted to go to – but couldn’t?

Or look back upon any time in your life – an old crush? – where you didn’t get what you wanted, and it felt so urgent, like the end of the world –

You might have even cried about it –

But you look back now and laugh, because it wasn’t a big deal at all…

And this is really no different than your emotions when you are arguing today –

Because no matter how frustrated you feel –

There is no reality to your sense of urgency…

 

The Developmental Psychology “Lens”

According to various models of developmental psychology, there are “tasks” that we must master at different stages of our life journey.

At one year old you have to learn how to not poop your diapers…

As you get a little older, you must learn to not interrupt people when they’re talking, or butt to the front of the line, or just take something because you want it…

And as you grow into adulthood, the tasks become more refined – you continue to develop morally, socially, emotionally, intellectually…

So these are life tasks, and the fact is that as you master these tasks, you feel good about yourself, but also –

Something inside of you – a sense of self – is aware that this is the way you are supposed to be developing –

And conversely, when you don’t develop these skills, the result is that you lose self-esteem – you don’t feel good about yourself…

And one of the life skills that we are supposed to learn is how to be in a mature intimate adult relationship…

 

Emotional Maturity and Being “Right”

In one sense, these “tasks” can be considered expressions of self-regulation:

I have to poop, but I’m not going to…

I want to butt to the front of the line, but I’m not going to…

And in a situation where your fighting with your partner: “I have to be right, but you’re not letting me” –

Well, let’s pause it there for a minute –

Because that’s basically the dynamic that’s causing the conflict:

“I want to be right. I want you to see me as right. I don’t want to be contradicted. I want what I want. What I want is right.”

This could refer to something very shallow and superficial, or something very deep –

But the need to be “right” is the same.

In any situation where both of you have conflicting perspectives, the way that you can feel good about yourself is to take a mature, collaborative, and exploratory approach…

When that’s the mindset you shift into, you have passed this developmental test!

“I want to be right, but you’re not letting me, so –

I’m going to listen with care and interest to your side of the disagreement, and then together we’ll figure out why we see things so differently, and collaborate lovingly, moving through this, coming out strong…”

 

Does “Right” equal “Safe?”

The ultimate thing you need from a relationship is safety.

In a relationship, safety means acceptance, connection, and unconditional love…

Once you have that established, then you can relax into living with each other and enjoying each other and caring for each other…

None of those things are about you being “right.

Surrender your need to be right during an argument!

Know this with peace and certainty: if you are “right”, that will reveal itself organically, as you problem-solve together with love and care…

Or maybe you will discover that you are actually wrong….

Or…most likely…you will both agree that the “truth” lies somewhere in a wonderful middle ground where you can both feel great ease…

 

Problem-Solving Together

Yelling and arguing are an ego defense posture.

We create this ego structure because it’s so much easier to be angry than it is to feel the pain –

But what’s the pain?

Is it the pain of not getting what we want?

Is the pain that you’re afraid you are not really loved in the relationship – that your partner is rejecting you – or are you misinterpreting your circumstances? (could be either one).

Or is the pain that we don’t feel capable of getting what we want and that makes us frustrated with ourselves and feel unworthy –

Like we don’t have the life skills – the self-worth, the relationship skills –

The value, in one way or another – to get what we want?

It could be any of these things, but you can’t explore the truth until you release the veil of egoic emotions that you have gathered around yourself…

The Warrior

Basically you’ve created this fighter – a warrior – that’s going to protect you from feeling pain–

The pain of not having your needs met in a relationship –

The pain of not feeling loved enough, cared for enough, important enough –

The pain of not having your emotional needs met in a relationship, and the feelings of disrespect and injury that result –

So when you treat your partner like an opponent, it’s this warrior that is speaking and acting through you –

And it’s time to say to that warrior, “thank you for your service – but I don’t need you anymore”

 

How to Let Go

To break through these automatic emotions, you have to learn how to let them go.

Not suppress them – which only creates more tension – but actually release them.

This is a skill which is physical, mental and emotional.

It means feeling the tension viscerally –

A challenge which again, is physical, mental and emotional –

Learn to notice these from a place of safety and detachment which you have already established and experienced as your “true” self –

And release it – the whole experience of agitation and distress – so that all you feel is peace, relief, and ease –

Even as you and your partner work through issues that in the past have turned you into adversaries.

This process, of learning how to do this, is at the heart of all effective relationship work.

It is how marriages and relationships become the Love of a Lifetime.

What To Do If My “Stay Calm” Advice to Stop Fighting Doesn’t Work

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What do you do if the tools don’t work?

What if all of those amazing strategies you’ve been given –

The “I” statements, the empathy, the validation, the communication techniques –

What if, in the moment that you deploy them, your partner stays triggered, or even escalates?

You were hoping they would suddenly “snap out of it” –

You want to hear them gush with relief:

Thank you – as they throw their arms around you – I get it! Thank you for hearing me and not fighting me! You’re the best partner ever!

But instead, they say things like:

“You’ve promised this before – I don’t believe a word you’re saying”

“If that were true, then why did you (*insert complaint here*)”

“Oh (mocking you) you are just so calm and mature, and I’m just crazy, everything’s my fault, right?”

So Now What?

This initial “fail”  is universal for all of us!

And it can be so damaging, if it makes you so hopeless that you abandon the whole process –

Afraid that your partner is beyond the reach of even your most sincere efforts –

But the fact is that the change, the healing, the shift between you, is actually right on schedule –

Taking place, in a sense, behind the scenes –

If you can lose your attachment to getting immediate results –

And, in those moments, continue to hold the space with love…

In other words, persevere –

And look, I get it – it is so very painful-

When you are truly trying to change and grow…

And care and connect and be vulnerable…

To have your partner lash out at you, or turn cold and hard…

But if you understand the factors at play, you can actually use these moments to create the breakthrough you both are longing for –

If you remember that this is simply more of a long-term effort than you wish it was…

Keep holding the space of love, and keep these things in mind:

 

They Are Trapped, and You Can Free Them

When your partner – or anyone, including yourself – is emotionally escalated, they are in a sympathetic nervous system state of fear – what most of us know as fight/flight/freeze.

This is true even if they are being aggressive, in which case, on a nervous system level, they are afraid of a threat.

This is almost always related to unresolved lifelong wounds around emotional vulnerability, and affects everything about how they perceive you – including the very clarity of their thoughts.

 

Therefore:

When you realize your partner is escalated, shift your thinking from being frustrated that you can’t communicate “rationally” –

And replace it with this awareness:

In that moment, you are no longer having a dialogue, an exchange of ideas and perceptions –

And instead, you are simply helping someone you care about make it through a painful emotional episode – 

Accept it without ego:

Someone you love is in distress – they feel unsafe.

You cannot expect anyone in the throes of an emotional episode to do anything but protect themselves, automatically using the fight/flight/freeze programming – their “armor” – to “protect” themselves –

Even though it has actually kept them trapped all their lives, preventing them from owning their power to communicate effectively, problem-solve, and create positive outcomes.

 

Another Consideration

Through the years, confronting but not resolving relationship triggers, winding around each other’s unmet needs, and blind spots regarding emotional wholeness…

The two of you have, over time, created a script that you both know by heart –

Where you both know your roles…

And when you take that away from them – by trying to communicate in a different way, using your new therapeutic tools –

The primal reaction of the protective identity created by their fight/flight/freeze response is to feel afraid, and confused, and uncomfortable…

And so they may continue to be mad, because it is always easier to feel the rage than the pain behind the rage, with all its vulnerability…

But beneath the surface, they are absorbing your finer vibration…

A transitional period which you both must go through until the “rewiring” really establishes itself –

It may take a little longer than you wish it did, but with consistency –

And the support of a solid therapeutic, coaching, or otherwise comprehensive approach –

The sense of safety and a “new normal” becomes strong…

They will eventually feel more grateful and loving towards you than ever before, that you put in the effort to heal both of you…

And as this more refined vibration becomes the energy, the light in which you both make your home with each other.

The change will come – sooner than you think – if you are True to Love.

Can People “Really” Change?

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When we work together I want you to feel lighter – relief! –  right away – radical change without wasting time  – so you can breathe again, as fast as possible –

And our results are usually, remarkably, strong –

That’s why I created this program –

And when we feel complete with our work –

As my couples drive off into the proverbial sunset –

The most common question I get is: “How do we never lose this?

“How do we make sure we don’t fall back into our old habits in six months?”

What they often really mean by this is: “I’m down, Ray, I get it! But how do I know my partner won’t fall back into their old ways?”

There are answers to both questions – there IS a “How” –

A “how” that has to do with a deep topic: how do human beings really change…

Because in struggling marriages throughout history, hurt and wounded partners have condemned each other with this prophecy:

“You’ll never change!”

In sessions with me, hesitant to fully commit to the process, they turn philosophical and forecast doom: “People are who they are…they make promises and then go right back to their old ways…”

But that’s not true.

I know.

Of course people can really, truly, authentically transform –

From being defensive and reactive and stuck in their ways –

To being sweet, sincere and fully collaborative –

And it is my honor, my privilege, my passion –

To show them how –

To show you how!

But it must also be said –

There are indeed those relationships where one or both partners will just never “get it” …

And are doomed to remain stuck at an emotional dead end.

And all I can do is give them my best…while I do my best to connect with those who I can really help the most…

So the question is: what does it actually take for a breakthrough?

The answer is deep…

 

Real vs. Fake

If you want to be one of those happy couples who feel peaceful and connected, full of light and love, responsive to each other’s needs –

That means you have to actually do and say loving things –

But you don’t want to be “fake” about it, right?

I mean, you don’t want to smile and be kind and hold hands when you’re really not feeling it – when you’re tired, or stressed-out, or pissed off – right?

Or when all you want is some alone time after a hard day at work – and, oh, here we go: here comes your partner, needy for attention –

What are you supposed to do, put on a fake face?

No never!

Never fake – or condescending or patronizing or any other not-fun marriage-desecrating games you may have been playing with your time together –

This is the moment for you to be more authentic than ever, because –

Here’s What’s Fake

If you truly want your relationship to manifest an infinite flow of kindness and care –

And you should –

Then the real question to explore is: why do you experience giving love to your partner as a drain or an annoyance in the first place?

After a hard day’s work, why doesn’t a hug from your partner revive and energize you, repair and soothe you, fill you with love, smooth out the day’s rough edges?

Isn’t that the whole point of being together?

 

The Real You

Deep down, you don’t really want to push your partner away –

You want them to understand what you need and care about it –

And you want to do the same for them…

That’s the real you – it’s what you’re longing to do…

So what we’re talking about isn’t really change –

It’s taking back your power –

Your power to create a life full of love –

By getting out of your own way so you can remember who you really are…

Become who you were meant to be –

The best version of yourself! –

Stand strong in that Truth – and share that with your partner…

We Do What We Know

Partners talk to each other the way they grew up hearing  –

The way their parents and family talked, or others who influenced them during formative years.

They don’t know that there’s another way – they actually don’t know that you don’t have to fight, or snipe, or huff, or whine, or bitch.

But couples are so hard-wired to communicate a certain way, that it actually feels “unnatural” to be warm and open with their partner –

So the couple keeps hurting each other’s feelings –

Even though neither of them wants to…

 

So What Happened?

Like all of us, you’ve been trained, programmed, socialized –

Misguided –

Through your time together and even long before that –

Life and the world in which we live…family, culture, society itself –

Conditioned you to ignore your inner knowing –

And blocked you off from your own heart’s wisdom –

By dragging you through traumatic experiences, when you were at your most vulnerable, that you may not even be consciously aware of…

Until your natural ability to give and receive love effortlessly became so clouded over that you forgot how easy and right it is to do  –

Even though it is the very thing we were all born for…

Although you may have been conditioned to minimize this: “Oh come on, honey, don’t be so sensitive!”  –

Which is premature when you say it –

Because you haven’t – yet – created the rock-solid, emotionally safe connection with each other which would make those words actually bonding and fun –

Instead of, as they land now, alienating and hurtful…

 

So How Does Change Happen?

We’ve all heard of celebrities – or perhaps you know someone – who has gone away on multiple occasions to an expensive live-in addiction treatment facility: for drugs, alcohol, gambling, food, pornography…

“I’ve gone to rehab five times” they say…so much time, so much money…

All that effort setting them up for success –

An idyllic stress-free setting, a dedicated staff committed to their healing –

Days full of group and individual therapy –

Activities for creativity and rejuvenation…

And lots of love – because true change doesn’t happen without love and care…

And when they leave 30 days later, they are 30 days sober – but then –

*They relapse! *

They dive right back in –

Right back to the pathology they just spent 50 grand “beating” –

Right back to destroying their own lives, along with everyone else in their world…

But then…

There are those…

Who never even go near a treatment facility…

They beat their habit all on their own –

They take a look at themselves in the mirror one day and decide…

“I’m done!”

And they kick it for good, forever – cold turkey.

Perhaps they lock themselves in a room for a week or two, and sweat, and soil the sheets, and pray, and do whatever it takes to make it through…

Fighting off violent cravings, day by day…all those taunting inner voices, cajoling them to cave…

Or maybe they just go about their daily lives –

Staying true to the vow in their soul  –

To Love and Honor themselves…and others too, yes…

Until the cravings cease, and they are free…

So what’s the difference between these two struggling humans –

The one who can’t get it together no matter how much care and support they invest in, and the one who sets their mind to it, and triumphs all on their own?

It’s the same difference between the couples who break through to love, and the ones who stay stuck…

 

Fear of Love

Both the addict and the walled-off lover are afraid…

For an addict, once they have experienced enough pain and danger and fear, often in childhood –

The addictive substance or behavior becomes his dependable, familiar hiding place…

The lover is also afraid: of being mistreated…misunderstood…

Rejected, abandoned, judged…

Most couples must go through these uniquely painful dynamics, until they learn how to come into harmony with each other…

Harmony…and union…

At the end of the day, it’s every man and woman looking into the mirror of their soul, and making a choice –

Because they realize that while growth may be painful–

It leads to a freedom that in the deepest way –

Is really an end to the pain they’ve struggled with for most of their lives –

And an open door to infinite possibilities of true happiness and fulfillment….

 

Take Back Your Power

My business is teaching couples how to communicate, anything – everything! – in a way that makes them feel warm, safe and connected.

The fact that this may sound too good to be true is only because toxic communication has been normalized –

When the truth is that every moment in your relationship –

Even a challenging one where you want to push your partner away –

Is actually a chance to draw you closer together –

To truly, authentically feel closer to each other –

By learning how to say anything to your partner –

*Anything!*

In a way that makes them feel both cared for and respected –

And that feels good and warm to you as well –

Instead of making them feel like they annoy you –

Which actually makes everyone feel lousy!

There Are So Many Ways!

If we look at the big picture: misery loves company –

And the widespread – it’s everywhere! – self-perpetuating misery –

Of being afraid and unsure of our vulnerable nature –

Has normalized the ridicule and avoidance of loving behavior  –

When it is actually the very foundation of “happily ever after” –

But you know the truth:

How you speak to someone shows how you feel towards them in that moment –

Whether you are feeling the fear of real connection –

Or the love behind the fear…

Am I saying that a relationship can evolve to a stage where nothing blocks the flow of care and connection between you?

YES!

You just need to learn how to trust your inner knowing that this is possible –

And empower yourself through right guidance – the tools, the skill sets, the inner and outer “game” –

To bring into reality this dream which is shared deep within the hearts of every sincere couple. Many find that online marriage counseling offers the practical support and deeper emotional work needed to make that change real.

And becoming the perfect dream partner for each other: warm, loving and sincere –

Just chill!

The Fastest, Deepest Marriage Repair: A Combination of Science and Spirit

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Make It Stop!

When your marriage is struggling, I know from personal experience that the emotional pain is suffocating agony – like being stuck in a hot car with the windows up: brutal and unbearable and you crave fresh air!

So you go to a therapist, maybe, or a relationship coach, or some kind of healer: “make it stop, please!”

You need a breakthrough, asap.

But of course – you can’t get “fast results” when you are dealing with deep-rooted psycho-emotional issues, can you?

Well, actually…if the energy of the therapy is right…

It’s pretty common at even the first session to get a powerful healing release of negative emotions:

The tension breaks, the walls come down, the love flows again, and you find yourselves hugging and crying with relief, breathing together once more…

 

And although there is hard work still to be done, for sure, you feel connected again, and hopeful for the future…

That is the experience that I have always strived for in my sessions since I first opened my practice back in 2015 – and I am glad to affirm that it happens often –

Through the years, I have found that the fastest, and the deepest, path to healing is an approach that which I would describe as a combination of the scientific and the spiritual –

 

So what does that even mean?

I’ll explain it right now –

Because this is the guidance that I wish someone had ever had the insight and clarity to provide me through the years: simple and direct and actionable.

Just remember, results require effort –

And this particular effort leads to love and ease –

That’s something I know from personal experience as well.

Let’s start with:

The Science of Conflict

The basic question behind all couples work is:

Why are you in conflict with your partner when all you both want is to love and enjoy each other without drama?

It should be easy and effortless – but there’s something in the way, right?

Let’s look at this together:

If you lose “the story” – by which I mean, you see behind the details of whatever you are clashing about – it should be clear that you are treating each other either defensively or reactively –

This is because you each perceive each other as an opponent – yes?

To which you reply:

Of course I do – they dismiss or disrespect me, they ignore me, they emotionally abandon me, they attack or pressure me, they misunderstand me – if they would relate to me with warmth and love instead, then everything would be fine!

OK: let’s say for the moment that all of that is true – the first thing I need to point out is that: I can guarantee you that your partner feels exactly the same way towards you –

Which does not make you “wrong”, nor does it invalidate *any* of your pain!

But their feelings have to matter too, right?

Even if you can’t understand how they could possibly feel like a victim when clearly they are “to blame!”

This is one of the hardest “feelings” for partners to get over – this gut sense (shared by each) that if they acknowledge that their partner is hurting too, they are somehow surrendering their own right to be heard and validated.

That is simply not how real marriage work is done – both of your feelings must be worked through to complete resolution, with care and patience and support…

And so: you and your partner are each treating each other like an “opponent” –

Let’s explore that from a scientific perspective :

For human beings – for any organism – “opponent” equals “threat to survival”

So when you and your partner are in conflict, a “secondary” biological circuitry is activated within both of you:

It’s called your sympathetic nervous system, and it is more commonly referred to as your fight/flight/freeze biological circuitry.

Its original purpose is to protect us from physical danger: we must fight or flee or freeze to survive a physical threat.

These are all psychoemotional triggers:

-rejection

-emotional abandonment

-being mistreated

-being misunderstood in a negative way

– being unloved in any of the myriad forms that may take –

This is just a partial list…

Many times, the reasons you or your partner are so sensitive to these dynamics are because of unresolved emotional traumas within yourselves…

But all of these complex dynamics register in your psyche just like a physical threat: as “unsafe” –

And a relationship is based upon mutual emotional safety.

So when these dynamics are active, your primal survival circuitry kicks in, and actually distorts your thoughts –

And takes command of your actions…

So that you are relating to each other as a “danger” rather than a “loved one.”

This is true whether you are actually fighting – yelling, screaming, acting out – or (more commonly) being unkind in a more subtle low-key way: passive-aggressive is still “aggressive.”

Once this circuitry is provoked, you are literally incapable of communicating with the consciousness necessary to collaborate in a healing way with each other – to problem-solve with love and care.

While the whole time, you both know deep within that your partner is not an “enemy”…

And you long for a solution to break through.

 

The scientific solution

The solution is simple – not easy, but simple:

1.Recognize that both you and your partner want the same thing: to love and be loved, to feel only ease and joy with each other

2.Recognize that the source of the conflict is that you experience each other as a threat on a nervous system level that distorts your thoughts and feelings.

3.Shift your nervous system responses so that, when you are faced with the very same circumstances which now automatically trigger your fight-or-flight circuitry instead trigger a healthy, fulfilling and loving collaboration.

In other words, your thoughts and feelings are no longer distorted by negative emotions –

Instead, you and your partner are permanently “programmed” to relate to each other as teammates who face every challenge as an opportunity to problem-solve together with love and care.

 

The specific skills necessary to do this are:

1.The ability to connect lovingly with your partner’s heart in a way that feels internally strong and safe no matter what the topic or situation

2.The ability to communicate with a presence that only creates positive and constructive outcomes – including the specific words to say.

3.The ability to completely override your fight-flight-freeze response, and replace it with authentic feelings of calm, care and communion no matter what the external circumstances -so that you can guide the situation to an easy, loving resolution.

If you can change your nervous system responses, the very same situations which now cause you to feel threatened will actually do nothing more than cause you to communicate lovingly with each other – and thus deepen your loving bond, continuously, as you journey through life together.

There are an abundance of specific, step-by-step techniques to realize every one of these goals, that we support our couples with every day –

But the first step is to learn how to separate your emotional distress from “reality” – and then resolve to transform this automatic defensive response.

 

And now…Spirituality

The word “spirituality” means different things to different people:

For some it signifies God, the One…

Perhaps also their religion, their prayer, or figures such as Christ or Buddha or Muhammad…

For some it is their meditative practice…

For some it means their Yoga or Chi Gong or drum circle groups…

For some it means a general connection with the universe, or with realities and energies beyond the senses…

For some it means Love…

But to redirect this esoteric discussion for the moment to healing relationships:

There are actually many ways that we can and do work with spirit, energy, and absolutely religion, depending on each unique couple’s interests and needs…

But for the purposes of this blog, I’m going to focus on a single foundational – transformative – aspect of spirituality –

Which is that a fulfilling marriage is a natural state of being –

That comes about from the spiritual journey I am about to describe:

 

The Journey for All

I have studied with a variety of spiritual masters, and participated in many spiritual paths seeking Truth, personal growth, and higher consciousness.

The True paths all teach that human beings exist on this earth to realize their highest potential: a state of unconditional love which feels free, untroubled, empowered, light, and whole –

And that marriage, or relationship, is one of the best opportunities to create this state of consciousness, and support each other in achieving it.

To know ourselves as Love, and then share that with each other.

To always Put Love First.

This is not glib or simplistic – I am referring to Love not as an emotion, but as a state of being – the difference between these two forms of love is a topic in and of itself.

When you both commit to always putting Love First, you take back your power to create a life that is actually based in the highest spiritual principles: such as care and generosity and patience and mercy and gentleness – Love.

When this becomes the shared activity of your marriage, you find that you very quickly heal and resolve every issue between you.

To be clear: this is only for sincere couples who truly want to purge their lives of selfishness, immaturity, and toxicity  –

By which I mean, both partners must be motivated to change for the better.

 

The Spiritual Solution

I said that my approach is a fast one – so what is the “rapid” spiritual approach?

By realizing that every challenge you face is an opportunity to ask yourselves:

“How do we heal this with Love?”

“How do we resolve this with Love?”

“How do we Put Love First in this situation?”

In order to do this, you must:

-Learn how to “anchor” yourself in a state of clear peace, love and ease. This “remembering who you really are” is easier to achieve than you may think at this moment, if you are reading this because you are feeling emotionally challenged.

-Learn how to access and transmit the Love energy in a way that feels completely authentic.

-Learn how to use negative emotions, energies and tensions into qualities as “fertilizer” to become further established in shared states of love, peace and light.

(Guys if you’re still reading at this point I want you to know that I created the Relationship Remedy program just for you.  We have tools, techniques and exercises created with great sincerity and care to help both you and your partner evolve to your highest potential in these areas.)

 

The Fast Track to Healing Marriages

Relationship pain is unique because, unlike, say, a broken leg, there is an intuitive knowing that – if you can just find the magic words, energy, presence to meet the moment – that you can actually, in a second, magically shift the mood from anguish and distress into actual bliss –

Hugging, holding, warmth, tears of relief –

And that you can then build on that connection forever together, to become ever more peaceful and loving and complete with each other – like that intoxicating togetherness you shared at the beginning, but deeper, wiser, more authentic and mature.

We are created in Love.

Love is the Healer.

If we are creating a family, we want that family’s foundation to be this Love.

You want to heal your marriage issues as fast as possible?

Love is Right Now.

Wherever you are, I send you blessings of Peace.

How to Finally Get Closure on an Issue

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It happens every day, in thousands of therapy sessions and millions of relationships…

One partner confronts the other over a negative incident or situation from “the past” –

While the other demands:

“Why do you keep bringing that up? What else is there to say? How can we ever move on if you won’t get over it?”

“It” could have been years ago, or yesterday –

“It” could be a major trauma (like an affair), or something less extreme that still cuts deep (like an insensitive comment) –

But whatever “it” is –

One partner insists: let’s close the door on the issue, once and for all –

While the other feels unheard, dismissed, and unresolved…

So here’s the truth: whatever the topic –

No relationship can have true harmony without real closure.

Closure means that for both partners there is a sense of understanding and acceptance, of making peace with whatever happened –

And this does not occur simply when it is “understood” that something wrong has transpired:

“I get it, it was wrong, I’m sorry – can we please move on now?”

Closure is not an “idea” – it is an experience: an experience of relief.

You know what relief feels like:

Good, free, safe, joyful, easy – the way a relationship is supposed to!

If both of you don’t feel that way about the incident or situation – then the healing is not complete.

So as much as the “just drop it” partner may not want to hear it, the “complaining” partner’s feelings mean that true closure has not taken place.

How do you create this experience of true closure?

Three conditions are necessary:

-Validation

-Attunement

-Integration

 

Validation

Validation doesn’t mean just acknowledging the other’s perspective – it means caring deeply about it –

This doesn’t (necessarily) mean you agree with their version of the facts, or their version of events –

You’re not validating their memory or their interpretation – you’re validating their feelings –

Without resentment or impatience  or skepticism –

It means you want to understand their pain, and  prevent them from ever feeling that way again.

It also means that you are both committed to exploring together why this situation has left you both feeling like opponents rather than partners –

And preventing your relationship from ever feeling that way again…

 

Attunement

Attunement is the ability to be aware of, and responsive to, another person’s emotional needs and moods.

In healthy relationships, it is happening in the moment, every moment, that you are together.

You might be talking about “the past” – but that discussion is happening in the present, and so the discussion itself is an expression of your current emotional bond.

That’s why it is basically a form of gaslighting to refuse to address a partner’s turmoil because the topic under discussion is not occurring “right now” –

It is now – it is affecting you right now –

And that means:

That your disconnect is not just about this issue – it is a symptom of a deep split –

No, not that kind of split!

An emotional split between you, that must be repaired!

 

Integration

Integration means that the process of working through the issue becomes a positive foundation of your relationship –

Which creates shared, positive meanings for both of you:

-That you can resolve problems and face challenges together

-That you can defeat issues which threaten to drive you apart

-That you are always learning more about yourselves in ways that deepen your connection

-That you never deny or dismiss each other’s feelings

-That you will face every obstacle together as an opportunity to grow and evolve

-That you never allow differences to turn you into opponents by learning how to always put love first!

 

Excuses

Here are some of the main “excuses” partners not validating, attuning and integrating sore feelings about past events  – and why they just don’t hold up:

-“We agreed that we already resolved this”

That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because it’s not true. It’s not true because that feeling of relief never occurred – I promise you, if it had, the partner would not still be bringing up this issue.

If they still feel unresolved, then that initial “closure” was not real, and it is not their “fault.”

They are not “going back on their agreement” to move on – they are simply being true to their feelings.

– “That was so long ago”

It doesn’t matter how long ago a traumatic event occurred – if it fractured the emotional connection between partners, then it is still a living energy between them.

The only reason the elapsing of time would matter is if during that time, actual healing had occurred.

If the partner is still bringing it up – then that simply hasn’t happened – no matter how badly the other partner may want to believe it “should have.”

– “It wasn’t a big deal; you’re making too much of it”

A partner is never “making too much” of something until you reach a stage of relationship where you both feel total emotional safety – at that point, you might (if appropriate) comfortably say, “Hey, honey, I think you’re being too sensitive” – but that is not the dynamic this blog is exploring.

It is entirely possible that the “injured” partner will indeed decide that they need to become more emotionally mature – less sensitive, or more accurate in their interpretation of others; perhaps somehow wiser in their words or deeds.

But for that realization to strengthen the relationship, it must happen in a space of deep mutual care.

 

A New Beginning

It is ironic – partners don’t want to be “stuck in the past”, so they don’t fully address those issues…

And that keeps them stuck in the past!

The whole reason we are in a marriage is to be accepted as we are, with all of our eccentricities and sensitivities and imperfections..

And then we can change and grow for the better.

But we can only be that vulnerable in an environment of care and love, not judgement..

Which is done by creating that shared experience of closure that I have been describing.

This is what “successful” couples do for each other – they grow together in empathy, so that over time, they exist in a co-created space of pure love and care.

And this can only happen when you learn how to Put Love First.

This transformative and uplifting philosophy, along with practical teaching, is the foundation of all our work here at Relationship Remedy. For couples seeking guidance and emotional healing, relationship therapy near Columbia, MD offers the space to rebuild trust, find closure, and create the kind of lasting peace that every partnership deserves.

How NOT to work with your marriage therapist or relationship coach

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You might not have considered this, but when you work to fix your marriage, you are creating a miracle.

That’s what a happy marriage is: a miracle.

I don’t mean “stunning and rare” – like an eclipse, or raining fish.

I don’t mean “endangered” either, although you can indeed go a long time without seeing one: like a snow leopard or a mountain gorilla.

What I mean is that a happy marriage is sublime and special – indeed, sacred.

And so: when you commit to any program of marriage therapy or coaching, your relationship must be treated like the miracle that it is.

What does that mean?

It means – if you want me to help with your marriage, don’t pull this kind of crap:

 

Don’t expect me to do all the work

That’s because YOU have to do it – I can’t do the work for you!

I will give you clear guidance, specific instructions, support and inspiration: what to do, what to say, how to problem-solve and troubleshoot…

But you have to do the work –

Just like anything that takes discipline and effort – like exercise, or dieting, or completing a worthy project.

In this case, you will learn how to free yourself from emotional and psychological habits that no longer serve you – that are sabotaging your marriage!

This requires not only that you work together as a team, but also that you fearlessly face yourself, instead of fighting or shutting down –

That you purge yourself of selfishness or immaturity that you might have been oblivious to…

And you will be uncomfortable sometimes!

I personally love being uncomfortable when I am learning how I can do better – when I know I am breaking through limitations that are preventing me from living my best life and realizing my highest potential.

And marriage is a pinnacle of human possibility that you create together: a sanctuary and a source of strength, that fulfills you and sustains you on your journey through this life which can be so hard, so harsh and mad.

You’ve heard the expression: “marriage is hard work” –

So show up ready – to work hard and succeed!

 

Don’t be an addict

For example:

Don’t call me because you want me to make your partner stop riding you about your one single innocent nightly glass of wine – the one that takes about 4 or 5 refills to consume (and those secret little “minis” of vodka hidden around the house like adult Easter eggs shouldn’t count either, right?)

Or, alternatively: don’t call me because you think your partner is addicted, and you want me to make them stop.

Understand this: if your partner is an addict, they are in a state of biological infatuation: the biochemistry and neurocircuitry of addiction actually resemble that of passionate emotional attachment to a person.

But attachment to another human is a dynamic process that organically evolves, for good or bad. Attachment to a toxic behavior pattern only mutates and corrodes.

Addicts can’t work on their marriage because they are going through life in a kind of trance that takes up all the space where their humanity should be.

This sabotages their ability to naturally develop through life experiences – or to even function.

Whatever they are addicted to: alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling, food, ideological fanaticism of any political variety…

The only possibility for real change and transformation is if the addicted partner acknowledges that they have a problem :

“I’m addicted to rage and hate! And energy drinks and edibles! And OnlyFans…”

(Actually, that’s a relationship you might just want to get out of!)

To be clear: redemption is always possible, even for the most broken among us…

Hitting rock bottom seems to do it…sometimes…

So therefore: if your partner is completely vulnerable, and states that they want to go clean cold turkey, with 100% transparency…well, you do have a real shot at pulling it off, although the road ahead will be challenging…

Look: your journey is all yours. Just know what you are getting into.

Too many sincere addicts just can’t seem to do it…and some can.

So again, your journey is unique. I send you care and support.

 

Don’t be in the middle of a passionate affair

This is for the same reason as the previous example, except in this case, you or your partner are biologically infatuated with another actual human being.

You would probably use the phrase “in love with” (although in my approach we discover that the word “love” has a different, deeper – more accurate – meaning. But that is a topic for another post.)

For practical purposes, this infatuation – we call it “limerence” – means that there is no room to work on the marriage since the “in love” partner is basically obsessed and thinking compulsively about their other lover all the time.

There is simply not the mutual drive towards togetherness and connection which is the only reason to do this work in the first place.

As with the less glamorous – less idealized! – addiction to substances, the “in love” person has to recognize that their powerful compulsions are – like all of life’s challenges – powerful opportunities to grow and evolve into the very best version of oneself –

This takes a level of self-insight and maturity which, frankly, too many men and women are not capable of summoning from within.

But again – some are…

And again, your journey is unique

 

Don’t be dishonest, sketchy, deceptive, manipulative, gaslighting…

If you follow my work, you know it goes way beyond traditional therapy: we also incorporate healing energy and consciousness work into our process.

What does that mean? It’s not mysterious:

Life is energy: violent and peaceful, happy and sad, generous and selfish – light and dark.

There are emotions, qualities, and states of being – energies – which are common to all of us.

And these energies we share with each other create common, automatic effects.

Love and care, sincerity, respect: these energies have a healing effect, and create well-being.

On the other hand, deception – lying, dishonesty – these are toxic, destructive energies that you feel – and that destroy any possibility of a happy marriage.

When they are present and pervasive, you will both, ultimately, become physically and psycho-emotionally sick.

And while you may or may not have been “getting away with it” – gaslighting, perhaps? – it will all come out in the course of any true marriage or relationship work.

Even if you never admit to it, the work simply will not…work.

Toxic partners tell themselves that “what my partner doesn’t know won’t hurt them” but this is false. Because the partner always knows.

You feel it: the dishonesty, the lack of respect, the void where sincere care and partnership should be – all of it is visceral, palpable.

You both actually experience it, even if you are – consciously or unconsciously – pretending that you don’t.

And you always end up facing the consequences, one way or another: we plant the seeds for our future circumstances – we cause an effect – with every choice we make, each word and deed.

And so honesty, transparency, and emotional safety as energetic realities are essential to creating the breakthroughs, the healing, the teamwork  – the “happily-ever-after” – that is the only worthy goal of working on your marriage.

 

Don’t think your partner is the whole problem

That’s right, don’t show up, point at your partner and say: “You need to fix them.”

Because it’s easy to feel that almost all of your issues are your partner’s fault.

“Not everything, of course – I know I’m not perfect.”

But you know that really, once we get into it – it’s mostly their fault, right? Almost entirely!

I’ve had plenty of people absolve themselves completely of blame in that way.

Some of them were right – their partner was abusive or narcissistic and unwilling to evolve. Those were toxic marriages that deserved to be terminated. Those do exist.

But otherwise, I guarantee you: if your marriage is worth saving, you absolutely have just as much work to do as your partner.

Your partner is a good, sincere human being – otherwise, why are you trying to fix your marriage?

So don’t think of your personal issues as your “fault.”

They are more your “responsibility.”

And really, they are your opportunity – to finally evolve into the man or that woman that you want to be.

Which is all you are longing for – both of you!

To heal unresolved issues around emotional safety and vulnerability.

To develop personal attributes such as patience, empathy, and self-esteem.

This might sound complicated, but it’s actually so simple, because love is the healer.

Past, present, and future: you can heal all of it, with love.

To know yourself as love, and share that with your partner..

To expand your conscious awareness of what “love” really means…

You will move forward stronger and more peacefully than ever, with love.

Learning how to heal the past by loving each other is the road to a life of mutual care, harmony, and security which can be everything you ever dared hope for, as long as you are both willing to do the work.

After all – if you feel like you’re getting your marriage or relationship wrong, you don’t want to screw up the treatment as well, right?

Video Blog: “But I Didn’t Say That!” – (When Your Partner Goes Nuts Over Nothing!)

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There you are, having a rational discussion, when suddenly your partner misinterprets something you said – and goes ballistic on you! Even worse, no matter how you explain, they CLING to their anger – they won’t listen to reason! Well, the next time this happens, just think about this: (from the front page of the Beyond Therapy blog, click on the title of this article, or else just click this link