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How To Stop Letting Emotion Control Your Words

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When we’re arguing with our partner and our emotions take over, we end up saying and doing things that we really regret –

Things that really hurt our relationship…

Which is a great opportunity for us to learn how to change –

So that we can grow together as a team –

And also evolve into the very best version of ourselves as individuals…

 

Do You Remember?

When you were younger, was there a toy that you really wanted?

A party, or a concert, that you really wanted to go to – but couldn’t?

Or look back upon any time in your life – an old crush? – where you didn’t get what you wanted, and it felt so urgent, like the end of the world –

You might have even cried about it –

But you look back now and laugh, because it wasn’t a big deal at all…

And this is really no different than your emotions when you are arguing today –

Because no matter how frustrated you feel –

There is no reality to your sense of urgency…

 

The Developmental Psychology “Lens”

According to various models of developmental psychology, there are “tasks” that we must master at different stages of our life journey.

At one year old you have to learn how to not poop your diapers…

As you get a little older, you must learn to not interrupt people when they’re talking, or butt to the front of the line, or just take something because you want it…

And as you grow into adulthood, the tasks become more refined – you continue to develop morally, socially, emotionally, intellectually…

So these are life tasks, and the fact is that as you master these tasks, you feel good about yourself, but also –

Something inside of you – a sense of self – is aware that this is the way you are supposed to be developing –

And conversely, when you don’t develop these skills, the result is that you lose self-esteem – you don’t feel good about yourself…

And one of the life skills that we are supposed to learn is how to be in a mature intimate adult relationship…

 

Emotional Maturity and Being “Right”

In one sense, these “tasks” can be considered expressions of self-regulation:

I have to poop, but I’m not going to…

I want to butt to the front of the line, but I’m not going to…

And in a situation where your fighting with your partner: “I have to be right, but you’re not letting me” –

Well, let’s pause it there for a minute –

Because that’s basically the dynamic that’s causing the conflict:

“I want to be right. I want you to see me as right. I don’t want to be contradicted. I want what I want. What I want is right.”

This could refer to something very shallow and superficial, or something very deep –

But the need to be “right” is the same.

In any situation where both of you have conflicting perspectives, the way that you can feel good about yourself is to take a mature, collaborative, and exploratory approach…

When that’s the mindset you shift into, you have passed this developmental test!

“I want to be right, but you’re not letting me, so –

I’m going to listen with care and interest to your side of the disagreement, and then together we’ll figure out why we see things so differently, and collaborate lovingly, moving through this, coming out strong…”

 

Does “Right” equal “Safe?”

The ultimate thing you need from a relationship is safety.

In a relationship, safety means acceptance, connection, and unconditional love…

Once you have that established, then you can relax into living with each other and enjoying each other and caring for each other…

None of those things are about you being “right.

Surrender your need to be right during an argument!

Know this with peace and certainty: if you are “right”, that will reveal itself organically, as you problem-solve together with love and care…

Or maybe you will discover that you are actually wrong….

Or…most likely…you will both agree that the “truth” lies somewhere in a wonderful middle ground where you can both feel great ease…

 

Problem-Solving Together

Yelling and arguing are an ego defense posture.

We create this ego structure because it’s so much easier to be angry than it is to feel the pain –

But what’s the pain?

Is it the pain of not getting what we want?

Is the pain that you’re afraid you are not really loved in the relationship – that your partner is rejecting you – or are you misinterpreting your circumstances? (could be either one).

Or is the pain that we don’t feel capable of getting what we want and that makes us frustrated with ourselves and feel unworthy –

Like we don’t have the life skills – the self-worth, the relationship skills –

The value, in one way or another – to get what we want?

It could be any of these things, but you can’t explore the truth until you release the veil of egoic emotions that you have gathered around yourself…

The Warrior

Basically you’ve created this fighter – a warrior – that’s going to protect you from feeling pain–

The pain of not having your needs met in a relationship –

The pain of not feeling loved enough, cared for enough, important enough –

The pain of not having your emotional needs met in a relationship, and the feelings of disrespect and injury that result –

So when you treat your partner like an opponent, it’s this warrior that is speaking and acting through you –

And it’s time to say to that warrior, “thank you for your service – but I don’t need you anymore”

 

How to Let Go

To break through these automatic emotions, you have to learn how to let them go.

Not suppress them – which only creates more tension – but actually release them.

This is a skill which is physical, mental and emotional.

It means feeling the tension viscerally –

A challenge which again, is physical, mental and emotional –

Learn to notice these from a place of safety and detachment which you have already established and experienced as your “true” self –

And release it – the whole experience of agitation and distress – so that all you feel is peace, relief, and ease –

Even as you and your partner work through issues that in the past have turned you into adversaries.

This process, of learning how to do this, is at the heart of all effective relationship work.

It is how marriages and relationships become the Love of a Lifetime.

The First Step For Married Couples To Stop Fighting

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If you want to finally break the pattern of conflict that so many couples find themselves in, stuck in that toxic dance you both hate:

Where you truly care for each other, but can’t stop communicating like opponents rather than teammates –

You need to really get that the first step is the hardest.

I’m referring to that flash point, in the heat of the moment, when the agitation between you feels the thickest –

That is the very instant where you must choose to take it:

This step you must master to turn tension and conflict into peace and ease –

And which is not only the hardest, but it is the very foundation of all relationship conflict work –

And it is simply this:

Before you speak –

Be Still.

Not cold, not frozen (two completely different emotional states, right?)

But still.

Be still, and hold the space with love.

Master your “fight/flight/freeze” nervous system response –

And stop allowing it to control you –

Stop letting it compel you –

To do and say things that destroy all the love –

Learn how to pause before responding, which is so very hard, because it requires us to work through deeply ingrained emotional reactions that have been with us throughout our lives –

Patterns of behavior that are designed to psychologically protect us –

And biologically to ensure our very survival –

But they sabotage our ability to connect with the one person we long to the most –

But when you are able to recognize and release your urge to tighten up and lash out, or shut down –

Not suppress it, but release it –

Then you transform the drama between you into a flow of peace and ease –

Into which all the tension can dissolve…

And it will…

If you do it consistently enough –

It will…

The Fastest, Deepest Marriage Repair: A Combination of Science and Spirit

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Make It Stop!

When your marriage is struggling, I know from personal experience that the emotional pain is suffocating agony – like being stuck in a hot car with the windows up: brutal and unbearable and you crave fresh air!

So you go to a therapist, maybe, or a relationship coach, or some kind of healer: “make it stop, please!”

You need a breakthrough, asap.

But of course – you can’t get “fast results” when you are dealing with deep-rooted psycho-emotional issues, can you?

Well, actually…if the energy of the therapy is right…

It’s pretty common at even the first session to get a powerful healing release of negative emotions:

The tension breaks, the walls come down, the love flows again, and you find yourselves hugging and crying with relief, breathing together once more…

 

And although there is hard work still to be done, for sure, you feel connected again, and hopeful for the future…

That is the experience that I have always strived for in my sessions since I first opened my practice back in 2015 – and I am glad to affirm that it happens often –

Through the years, I have found that the fastest, and the deepest, path to healing is an approach that which I would describe as a combination of the scientific and the spiritual –

 

So what does that even mean?

I’ll explain it right now –

Because this is the guidance that I wish someone had ever had the insight and clarity to provide me through the years: simple and direct and actionable.

Just remember, results require effort –

And this particular effort leads to love and ease –

That’s something I know from personal experience as well.

Let’s start with:

The Science of Conflict

The basic question behind all couples work is:

Why are you in conflict with your partner when all you both want is to love and enjoy each other without drama?

It should be easy and effortless – but there’s something in the way, right?

Let’s look at this together:

If you lose “the story” – by which I mean, you see behind the details of whatever you are clashing about – it should be clear that you are treating each other either defensively or reactively –

This is because you each perceive each other as an opponent – yes?

To which you reply:

Of course I do – they dismiss or disrespect me, they ignore me, they emotionally abandon me, they attack or pressure me, they misunderstand me – if they would relate to me with warmth and love instead, then everything would be fine!

OK: let’s say for the moment that all of that is true – the first thing I need to point out is that: I can guarantee you that your partner feels exactly the same way towards you –

Which does not make you “wrong”, nor does it invalidate *any* of your pain!

But their feelings have to matter too, right?

Even if you can’t understand how they could possibly feel like a victim when clearly they are “to blame!”

This is one of the hardest “feelings” for partners to get over – this gut sense (shared by each) that if they acknowledge that their partner is hurting too, they are somehow surrendering their own right to be heard and validated.

That is simply not how real marriage work is done – both of your feelings must be worked through to complete resolution, with care and patience and support…

And so: you and your partner are each treating each other like an “opponent” –

Let’s explore that from a scientific perspective :

For human beings – for any organism – “opponent” equals “threat to survival”

So when you and your partner are in conflict, a “secondary” biological circuitry is activated within both of you:

It’s called your sympathetic nervous system, and it is more commonly referred to as your fight/flight/freeze biological circuitry.

Its original purpose is to protect us from physical danger: we must fight or flee or freeze to survive a physical threat.

These are all psychoemotional triggers:

-rejection

-emotional abandonment

-being mistreated

-being misunderstood in a negative way

– being unloved in any of the myriad forms that may take –

This is just a partial list…

Many times, the reasons you or your partner are so sensitive to these dynamics are because of unresolved emotional traumas within yourselves…

But all of these complex dynamics register in your psyche just like a physical threat: as “unsafe” –

And a relationship is based upon mutual emotional safety.

So when these dynamics are active, your primal survival circuitry kicks in, and actually distorts your thoughts –

And takes command of your actions…

So that you are relating to each other as a “danger” rather than a “loved one.”

This is true whether you are actually fighting – yelling, screaming, acting out – or (more commonly) being unkind in a more subtle low-key way: passive-aggressive is still “aggressive.”

Once this circuitry is provoked, you are literally incapable of communicating with the consciousness necessary to collaborate in a healing way with each other – to problem-solve with love and care.

While the whole time, you both know deep within that your partner is not an “enemy”…

And you long for a solution to break through.

 

The scientific solution

The solution is simple – not easy, but simple:

1.Recognize that both you and your partner want the same thing: to love and be loved, to feel only ease and joy with each other

2.Recognize that the source of the conflict is that you experience each other as a threat on a nervous system level that distorts your thoughts and feelings.

3.Shift your nervous system responses so that, when you are faced with the very same circumstances which now automatically trigger your fight-or-flight circuitry instead trigger a healthy, fulfilling and loving collaboration.

In other words, your thoughts and feelings are no longer distorted by negative emotions –

Instead, you and your partner are permanently “programmed” to relate to each other as teammates who face every challenge as an opportunity to problem-solve together with love and care.

 

The specific skills necessary to do this are:

1.The ability to connect lovingly with your partner’s heart in a way that feels internally strong and safe no matter what the topic or situation

2.The ability to communicate with a presence that only creates positive and constructive outcomes – including the specific words to say.

3.The ability to completely override your fight-flight-freeze response, and replace it with authentic feelings of calm, care and communion no matter what the external circumstances -so that you can guide the situation to an easy, loving resolution.

If you can change your nervous system responses, the very same situations which now cause you to feel threatened will actually do nothing more than cause you to communicate lovingly with each other – and thus deepen your loving bond, continuously, as you journey through life together.

There are an abundance of specific, step-by-step techniques to realize every one of these goals, that we support our couples with every day –

But the first step is to learn how to separate your emotional distress from “reality” – and then resolve to transform this automatic defensive response.

 

And now…Spirituality

The word “spirituality” means different things to different people:

For some it signifies God, the One…

Perhaps also their religion, their prayer, or figures such as Christ or Buddha or Muhammad…

For some it is their meditative practice…

For some it means their Yoga or Chi Gong or drum circle groups…

For some it means a general connection with the universe, or with realities and energies beyond the senses…

For some it means Love…

But to redirect this esoteric discussion for the moment to healing relationships:

There are actually many ways that we can and do work with spirit, energy, and absolutely religion, depending on each unique couple’s interests and needs…

But for the purposes of this blog, I’m going to focus on a single foundational – transformative – aspect of spirituality –

Which is that a fulfilling marriage is a natural state of being –

That comes about from the spiritual journey I am about to describe:

 

The Journey for All

I have studied with a variety of spiritual masters, and participated in many spiritual paths seeking Truth, personal growth, and higher consciousness.

The True paths all teach that human beings exist on this earth to realize their highest potential: a state of unconditional love which feels free, untroubled, empowered, light, and whole –

And that marriage, or relationship, is one of the best opportunities to create this state of consciousness, and support each other in achieving it.

To know ourselves as Love, and then share that with each other.

To always Put Love First.

This is not glib or simplistic – I am referring to Love not as an emotion, but as a state of being – the difference between these two forms of love is a topic in and of itself.

When you both commit to always putting Love First, you take back your power to create a life that is actually based in the highest spiritual principles: such as care and generosity and patience and mercy and gentleness – Love.

When this becomes the shared activity of your marriage, you find that you very quickly heal and resolve every issue between you.

To be clear: this is only for sincere couples who truly want to purge their lives of selfishness, immaturity, and toxicity  –

By which I mean, both partners must be motivated to change for the better.

 

The Spiritual Solution

I said that my approach is a fast one – so what is the “rapid” spiritual approach?

By realizing that every challenge you face is an opportunity to ask yourselves:

“How do we heal this with Love?”

“How do we resolve this with Love?”

“How do we Put Love First in this situation?”

In order to do this, you must:

-Learn how to “anchor” yourself in a state of clear peace, love and ease. This “remembering who you really are” is easier to achieve than you may think at this moment, if you are reading this because you are feeling emotionally challenged.

-Learn how to access and transmit the Love energy in a way that feels completely authentic.

-Learn how to use negative emotions, energies and tensions into qualities as “fertilizer” to become further established in shared states of love, peace and light.

(Guys if you’re still reading at this point I want you to know that I created the Relationship Remedy program just for you.  We have tools, techniques and exercises created with great sincerity and care to help both you and your partner evolve to your highest potential in these areas.)

 

The Fast Track to Healing Marriages

Relationship pain is unique because, unlike, say, a broken leg, there is an intuitive knowing that – if you can just find the magic words, energy, presence to meet the moment – that you can actually, in a second, magically shift the mood from anguish and distress into actual bliss –

Hugging, holding, warmth, tears of relief –

And that you can then build on that connection forever together, to become ever more peaceful and loving and complete with each other – like that intoxicating togetherness you shared at the beginning, but deeper, wiser, more authentic and mature.

We are created in Love.

Love is the Healer.

If we are creating a family, we want that family’s foundation to be this Love.

You want to heal your marriage issues as fast as possible?

Love is Right Now.

Wherever you are, I send you blessings of Peace.

How do I save my marriage after I cheated on my Husband?

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Yes, you can save your marriage after cheating on your husband.

In fact, your marriage can be much stronger than it was before (as impossible as that may feel right now) – if you are both willing to put in the work.

That’s both of you – not just you, alhough you did make a serious mistake.

This is because the key to repairing your relationship is based on facing, together, the reality that even before this grim crisis, your marriage was impaired by unresolved issues which your infidelity has finally forced you to face as a team.

And if you both work together to fix these issues, your marriage will – eventually – feel connected for life at a deeper, superior level of loving union.

Don’t get me wrong – you did the wrong thing – very wrong. You must indeed take steps to make it right, and earn back your husband’s trust

But you cheated because your needs were not being met, and that pain has not gone anywhere.

That matters too.

So this is not a contest to see who is the “good guy” and the “bad guy”.

After working through the initial shock, you must both resist the urge to oversimplify this debacle into a narrative of pure blame and shame.

Instead, attack this: as an opportunity for both of you to learn and grow. A chance to move forward in a meaningful and fulfilling way.

The hard truth is that some kind of unhappiness existed between you which neither of you knew how to capably address.

Learning how to have the challenging conversations that you previously could not, and seeing them all the way through to a resolution, is a basic foundation of a thriving marriage.

Teaching couples how to do this is an essential component of any relationship coaching or therapy.

And so, this truly is an opportunity to come closer together than ever before: to acknowledge difficulties and work through them together with a new level of care and maturity.

If there is enough love between you to repair and forgive – if at the end of the day, your shared longing to be together is more profound than the hurt and need which this crisis has forced you to confront – then you really can emerge from this ordeal with a peaceful, loving home.

Healing each other with love is the solution and remedy.

We can take a three – part approach:

  1. Stabilize emotional wounds
  2. Heal them  
  3. Fill your marriage with so much love that this never happens again!

 

Stabilize the Emotional Wounds with Care and Respect

Now that you are reassured that your wounds matter too – put them on hold, just for a short period of time.

Remember that your husband feels violated at the most primal level of his emotional safety. Your wounds may be deep, but your partner’s are raw – serious and acute.

So they come first – just for now.

Maybe for a few days, maybe a week: give your husband an emergency grace period to just be hurt, and vent, and don’t hide from him.

Instead, show up with care and respect. Express it with words and demonstrate it with actions.

Because your husband feels incredibly disrespected.

In a practical sense what this means is that while it is important to be remorseful, and apologize, it is just as important to express to him all the ways that you honor and appreciate him.

Tell him – don’t wait, and don’t hold back.

As we say to children: use your words, and share with him: all the ways that you love, enjoy, and respect him. Do it randomly, consistently, and sincerely, as a conscious act of love.

This might be a new behavior pattern, and it might feel strange under the circumstances, but so what – you need to take action!

Put extra effort into being present and kind. Demonstrate general good intentions, sincerity, humility, and remorse.

He might accuse you of trying to manipulate him, or say that you are only saying these things because you feel bad, or want to maintain stability.

Just own the truth of what you are doing: that you know he must wonder if he can trust that you love him enough, so you are going to show him, from your heart, that you really want him to be your person.

That you regard him highly as a human being. That you take pleasure in who he is. That your feelings for him are solid ground to rebuild on.

That is how he will start to feel safe with you again. To respect himself. And to have faith that a fulfilling life together is not only possible, but worth it.

It might be tempting to avoid him – but that will only trigger more pain and resentment. At this point your husband is too hurt and confused – threatened – to always think clearly…so he will interpret avoidance as rejection.

He needs to feel that you are taking responsibility for yourself without hiding – that the care you feel for his pain is more compelling than any impulse you may have to stay away.

This is a chance for you to learn how to feel deeply remorseful as an act of personal growth: without beating yourself up. And without that underlying sense of dread and doom.

These are life skills that you might not have yet acquired.

Go out of your way to demonstrate respect – without fear of him. This is important: if he feels that you are afraid of him, then he will feel even more disrespected, because he will sense that you are acting from an emotionally immature fear of “being in trouble” – rather than honor and care for him.

But if he feels that you appreciate his dignity and value, then he can start to open emotionally to you again.

You must share space with him in a way that he feels you are attentive, authentic, and emotionally available. Not in an anxious, walking-on-eggshells way, but with a no-drama sincerity that demonstrates support for any injury he is feeling.

As if you are rediscovering your own personal power – and self-respect – in the authenticity of your goodness and sincerity. Because you are.

So this is the time for you to be emotionally giving, without feeling like you are compromising the very emotional needs that led to your indiscretion in the first place.

I am not saying to completely avoid the topic of your own unmet needs, or pretend they aren’t significant – that habit might have been one factor which drove you to put yourself in this predicament.

But just for this stabilization period, allude to your own needs gently – as part of a bigger picture, which you will work through together at the right time, very soon. Don’t try to actively resolve them.

That said, this is also very important: he is not allowed to just stay “stuck”.

After this initial grace period, the two of you must take intentional action to move forward, by spending time together, communicating, and generally prioritizing the connection between the two of you, with or without the help of a third party.

 

Heal the Emotional Wounds

Problem-solving. Couples are already in the habit of becoming defensive when either partner tries to discuss how they may be unfulfilled in the relationship.

Healthy marriages are not threatened if this is brought up, as all long-term partnerships need occasional tweaking and readjusting.  The topic simply inspires a caring exploration of how to better meet each other’s needs.

But too many partners instead simply hear themselves being criticized, and then either shut down or lash out.

This has been your pattern as well: when differences emerged between you, you each shifted into self-preservation mode – you triggered each other. On the primitive level of your unconscious biology, you suddenly perceived other as an opponent – you each felt emotionally abandoned and unsafe.

Infidelity has made that mutual sense of instability more intense.

Learning how to work through difficult topics with courage and sensitivity is a developmental milestone within any successful relationship.

It will at first be uncomfortable, as you are not used to relating to each other with this level of depth.

However, as you develop and cultivate your intention to show up for each other, warmth and collaboration soon replace discomfort. You start to actually look forward to problem-solving together!

In practical terms, this means learning and applying specific communication skills that empower you to deepen your connection with each other.

Good news: I have a plethora of blogs and videos on how to communicate with each other (find them on my Youtube channel Ray Rivers – Relationship Remedy) but to get you started on your Google research, communication skills include:

Mindful communication, emotional self-regulation, active and reflective listening, empathetic responses, using “I” statements, creating healthy feedback loops, and applying differentiation skills.

Here’s A Tip to Finally Talk About Those Issues You’ve Been Avoiding: Try This

Here is one practical step with which you can apply when approaching conversations that are potentially triggering:

If you are asking your partner to discuss possible changes they could make towards better meeting your needs, and you are afraid they will become defensive and then accusatory:

First, identify the psychological or emotional reason that will likely feel threatened. This will either be a personal quality (such as a negative implication about their generosity, or maturity, or intelligence) or simply a lifestyle choice they are attached to, which they feel you may want to deprive them (“stop watching football on Sundays and help me clean the house.”)

Then, when discussing, before bringing up your concern, first explicitly reassure them on their point of insecurity. In other words, pre-empt their defensiveness by establishing both a sense of respect, and a commitment to an outcome they are pleased with.

So for example, if you are communicating you feel as if they work too much, at the expense of spending time together, the likely trigger is that they are going to feel attacked rather than respected for their work habits. So using the following template as a guide to find your own way of expressing it, you might say something along the general lines of:

“Husband, you are such a hard worker – you work so hard for our family. I respect your work ethic so much. And you are such a good provider – I so appreciate you, and admire you, and I’m just so grateful. But honey, I’m lonely. I miss you. Could we talk about figuring out a way we could spend more time together.”

The initial statements of respect and appreciation open him up, whereas if you simply approached him requesting more time together, he would reflexively feel both that he was being made wrong and that you were trying to take away something important to him.

This is not manipulative, because its intent is to create a more loving, caring connection between you, not to “get what you want” – it is a way of communicating with greater consciousness, and a more empathetic understanding of how we interpret each other’s words. This is especially helpful while we are still fortifying the basic connections we share with each other – which many couples are still doing even after many years together.

Honor Yourself – Even Still

You matter.

In a screwed-up way, that’s why you were unfaithful: your needs were not being met.

And you didn’t know how to make that matter.

So you acted out: in an immature and selfish way, you asserted your right to control the happiness in your life. To not be dismissed.

In a sense, you asserted your value – by seeking the attention that you know you deserve.

But you did it by violating your own moral values.

You feel so guilty – but you also feel confused.

Because you know that you did something wrong – but you also know that you have the right to an emotionally fulfilling connection with your partner.

You’ve simply felt helpless.

Your authentic self – the essence of who you are as a human being – is completely worthy of the connection you long for!

Until now, you have not known how to stand fully in your power and connect with your husband in a way that commands the attention you deserve. You have done your best, but you were limited by wherever you became stuck developmentally on your personal life journey.

The same is true for your husband – he does not know how to show up in the marriage fully present either. Couples always mirror each other as they work through their issues.

So now, this crisis is forcing you both to get unstuck – to evolve into your highest potentials as both individuals, and as a couple. That is the marriage you both deserve.

It is so important that, moving forward to repair the marriage, your emotional needs do not become lost again. Your needs and your husband’s needs are not mutually exclusive – that warped dynamic was the problem in the first place.

Honor Him

Your husband wants the same things as you: to be valued, appreciated, and respected. To focus and share what he is, not what he is not. To feel like you enjoy him as a human being.

The more you communicate ways that you appreciate him, the more he will be drawn towards sharing experiences with you. You will also find that he reciprocates, as mutual appreciation becomes a groove you both fall into.

Once again, this is not a manipulative, sweet-talking technique – I am inviting you to genuinely contemplate all the ways that you feel gratitude for having this human being in your life, and share that with him as a general orientation.

When he brings it up out of nowhere

It is likely that he may suddenly, out of nowhere, tell you that he is thinking about the affair, and feeling betrayed.

Every time this happens, simply meet his eyes and say “I know. I am so sorry. I wish I hadn’t done that. All I care about is us being together moving forward. I love you. I will tell you that as many times as you need to hear it to feel safe. I love you.”

Don’t say it defensively, or as if you are trying to convince him. Say it from the deep truth of your heart, as you care for this hurting human being. With enough time, if the two of you have enough love for each other, your union will heal.

 

Fill The Marriage With So Much Love That This Never Happens Again

Your efforts to apply the previous suggestions will likely reveal that you had fallen out of the habit of being present with each other: of taking pleasure in each other’s company and cultivating this enjoyment.

One of greatest pleasures of all marriages is rediscovering the uniqueness of the special person we are married to –

This means releasing unconscious negativity, and nurturing instead a sense of gratitude, possibility, and shared inner peace. Nourishing our sense of appreciation for the life journey we have chosen to take together.

You have likely fallen into the habit of focusing on negative aspects of your connection – anticipating negative experiences which then become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Why not give yourself the gift of approaching your new experiences together with an open mind, and an attitude of discovery, looking for the good?

That’s what a happy marriage is: when a couple finds themselves with needs that are seemingly conflicting, they work out a solution that feels good and complete to both partners.

Put another way: happy couples transform potential conflicts into acts of love that in themselves strengthen the marriage – because both partners love putting their marriage first. They love meeting each other’s needs.

Put all of your efforts into sharing life with each other, and connecting – not because your lives are glamorous and unique (although they may be) – but because you are a couple on a journey together, and sharing experiences is how we celebrate that fact.

Savor the old pleasures you have always shared, and create new moments just by appreciating each other’s company.

This current struggle will disappear into the distant past.

Learning how to face relationship challenges as a supportive team, rather than an uneasy alliance, will transform your marriage into a safe, loving sanctuary for both of you.

 

Work With A Professional

In the midst of trauma the emotions are so powerful that its easy to feel that all hope is lost.  The feeling of helplessness is the reason you acted out of character in the first place.  Hope is not lost! This is an opportunity to come back stronger than EVER before.  More healthy in your communication. Ready to receive the blessings of a seasoned battle-tested marriage that can be your destiny if you seize the day and own this opportunity.  Book your free 15-minute appointment with me now by clicking below.

Relationship Conflicts: When It’s Family vs. Partner at Holiday Gatherings

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Do the holidays back you into a corner, forcing you to “choose sides” between your partner and one or more family members?

Is there a constant tension beneath all the hugs and smiles: your partner vs. your family?

Maybe it’s a general attitude, or perhaps the conflict is over a specific issue: differing opinions about a “bad” choice someone made – or perhaps an unforgiven incident from years ago, kept vigilantly, resentfully alive…

Or – maybe it’s a new conflict, specially manufactured just for the holidays this year!

Either way, somebody’s going to be mad at you, right? Either your partner or your family member(s)… and now the seasonal gathering means you must suffer through personality conflicts, pervasive nitpicking, and grudge-holding…through casual rudeness and insensitivity…and gaslighting, and disrespect.

OK, time to break through all that crap and enjoy your holidays -and here’s how:

Until now, you have made a choice: either you have defended your partner when family “go against” him or her, which makes you a “traitor” to the family that raised you…or…you take your family’s side, which leaves your partner feeling criticized and abandoned.

Well here’s some good news: you really don’t have to choose sides – even if you have an opinion that one “side” or the other is “right” – you can still give your love and support to all, without anyone feeling like you have turned against them – without anyone feeling devalued or disrespected.

But even more importantly: you SHOULD NOT choose sides. Again, I don’t mean that you shouldn’t have an opinion. You should feel free to have your opinion and to share it: but when you do, neither your partner, nor your family – no one – should feel judged or criticized or disrespected. Even if you feel strongly that one side or another is “right.”

The way to navigate this successfully is to BE TRUE TO THE SITUATION!

What does that mean? Two things: one regarding your partner, and the other regarding your family.

Concerning your partner: you are with them because you respect them, and like them – and of course, love them – or else, why are you with them? And why are you bringing them to be among your family? You have chosen them – they are a life choice you have made – an extension of yourself.

So if you don’t support them, then you are not being true to the situation.

You don’t have to be with them, right? But if you choose to, the whole point is to support them and care for their heart. If your family are not respecting your partner, they are not respecting you either. So if you allow your partner to be hung out to dry – if you align with your family against them by making them an emotional opponent – then you are also dishonoring yourself.

The same is true if you want to collude with your partner against your family – but it gets a little more complicated there – because you don’t choose your family. So your family might actually have some people you don’t really want to be around – but have to. (That is actually a form of being true to that situation – showing them the respect of your presence – unless they have been truly heinous, in which case, sure stay away – but otherwise:) even if you have unresolved painful emotions around your family, it is not right or fair to disrespect them by triangulating with your partner “against” them – after all, the very problem you have with them is that you feel they have not honored or respected you.

The two of you can talk about your family all you want when you get back home – but you while you are choosing to be in their presence, you owe them respectful treatment – or else, again, simply leave.

So what do you do when you become aware that there is tension between your partner and one or more family members?

You simply make it clear that you will not disrespect anyone. You can care about the feelings: very simply: “I care about how you feel.” You don’t have to believe someone is right to care about their pain.

And you can choose sides – but when you do so, it is in the spirit of care and generosity, of accepting everyone’s limitations, whether you perceive them as being stupid or shallow or neurotic or weird or defensive or anything else – you don’t devalue them as human beings, but rather accept them as broken people doing their best – as we all are.

Let them rant and rave, or wheel and deal in emotional drama. All you ever have to say is: “I see how upset you are. I don’t want you to feel that way.”

And if you disagree with someone who is trying to make another look bad, then say, with calm self-self-knowledge, “I disagree.” (without anger, and not needing to say more) Or, if you agree, “I support you. I am here for you.” But either way, you are creating a moment of truthfulness, not fanning the flames of drama.

When you go to such an event, it is your responsibility to make peace with the fact that you are choosing to be there, and you are choosing to bring your partner. Your only purpose is to explore where the greatest amount of love exists in that setting. Love is always the healer. And often, love simply means being kind.

You can always share your truth – but with love and honor for all. This is how you experience your own true power, and how you most deeply honor and respect yourself.

Ray Rivers

Video Blog: “But I Didn’t Say That!” – (When Your Partner Goes Nuts Over Nothing!)

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There you are, having a rational discussion, when suddenly your partner misinterprets something you said – and goes ballistic on you! Even worse, no matter how you explain, they CLING to their anger – they won’t listen to reason! Well, the next time this happens, just think about this: (from the front page of the Beyond Therapy blog, click on the title of this article, or else just click this link

Are You A Straight-Talker Or Just A Jerk?

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When squabbles come up between you and your partner, are you a straight-talking truth-teller? Or is that just how you rationalize being mean? There is a better way, you know: you can actually handle these scenes in a way that brings you closer together, instead of creating a rift! If you are on this blog’s front page click the title of this article to watch the video, or else just click this link.

How To Heal Relationship Stress Using This ‘Psychic’ Method

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OK, my title sounds pretty dubious  – do you like the picture? – but no matter who you are, if you’re stressed out in your relationship, and you watch the video, you will know I speak only Truth about your problem – and the solution! If you are on the front page of the blog, click on this article’s title for the video, or else just click here to watch it.

Video Blog: Is Your Partner Too Insecure (or anxious or depressed)?

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I wish I didn’t see this so often with couples – one partner feels the other is just way too anxious or insecure – and they’re sick of it! But no matter how much of a “good guy” or gal they think they’ve been, it is almost ALWAYS the case that they haven’t worked as deeply as they think…if you’re on this blog’s homepage with all the other articles, first click on the title of this article – then once you’re one the page where this article is all by itself, you will be able to click this link to watch the video

How to Discuss “Eggshell” Topics

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One of the biggest challenges couples face is: how to talk about “eggshell” topics – those topics that you can’t discuss without fighting, or hurting feelings, or getting defensive – topics that one way or another, whenever you approach them, you both ending up feeling like crap about the relationship…
Topics like: in-laws and relatives and friends you disagree on; past hurts, or future plans; personal hygiene, kids – and of course, money…you avoid these topics, yet they simmer unspoken beneath the surface; live-wire obstacles to real trust and intimacy and fulfillment.
That’s why there shouldn’t be ANY “eggshell” topics in your relationship at all – and I promise you it can be done –
But for now, let’s just address how to actually have a breakthrough, and be able to discuss these “eggshell” topics in a new way.
First, you must understand why the topics are “eggshell” in the first place: it’s not just because you disagree with each other; it’s because you actually don’t feel safe with each other. Deep in your subconscious, you are both afraid that, because you feel differently about a topic, your partner will reject you – a painful experiences we avoid at all costs.
In fact, what you are both really avoiding is the need to change. Depending on who is “more” responsible for the particular situation, this change can take many forms – but at its core, it means a change in how you relate to each other. It means discussing “eggshell” topics in a way that both of you end up actually feeling closer and more loving with each other – better, not worse, about the relationship.
Topics are “eggshell” because they trigger negative emotions – and negative emotions make you both feel unsafe. This means that the art of discussing them successfully is, instead, to trigger positive emotions. This is not only easier than it sounds, it is actually one of the highest blessings of a relationship – the feeling that you are safe with each other no matter what comes up between you.
To do this, you must powerfully create a certain feeling between you – otherwise, the negative emotions will take on a life of their own. This requires that you speak to each other in a very special way. And since you are the one who is taking the lead on it, at first, only you will know how to do this – which you demonstrate by example.
So here are five basic steps to discussing “eggshell topics:

Step One:
Look into your heart and find the place that appreciates your partner, that is grateful for their being in your life. Find everything you love and honor and respect about them – all of their best qualities, all the ways you have known them to be good and kind and smart and terrific, as human beings, as your best friend and lover, perhaps as a parent. Really connect with this knowing within you.
Step Two:
Approach your partner and tell them that you love them. Tell them specific things you love about them. Tell them how grateful you are that they are in your life.
Step Three:
While holding this attitude of love and care – this reality – in your heart and mind, tell your partner that there is something that you want to talk about. Say that – so far – it feels like the two of you can’t talk about it without feeling uncomfortable, but you want to be able to talk about anything and still feel the love between you. Say that no matter what they say, you respect how they feel, and you love them. But you have to be able to talk about this topic, and there are things you want to say as well. Tell them you are willing to change and compromise and care about everything they have to say, to make sure they feel totally safe and loved by you no matter what, every step of the way – but also, this thing needs to be talked about – and you love them (you say again).
Step Four:
Empathize with their point of view: in other words, put into words how their point of view would make sense from their perspective: “I know you work hard for the money and it doesn’t seem like a reasonable purchase” “I know you don’t want to start a fight with your mother by not going” “I know how you must be so tired that you’re not even thinking about putting down the toilet seat” – then say, “But this is hard for me because…” and state your side of it. THEN say “I don’t care about being right, I just want us to figure out a way we can compromise on this and both feel great about our relationship and each other and the whole situation – and I love you!”
Step Five:
Throughout the conversation, keep telling them that you love them. That you support them. That you are so grateful they are in your life. Touch them gently, with love. Insert compliments into the conversation – things you love, admire, respect, and appreciate about them.
THE POINT IS NOT TO MANIPULATE – IT IS TO BE AS SINCERE AS POSSIBLE!
None of this is manipulative – it is caring about the fact that they don’t feel safe with the topic, so you are creating the space of safety for both of you. This is not “fake” because, well, if you don’t feel this way towards them, then why are you in the relationship?
No matter what they say, keep affirming how much you love and appreciate them.

There are many versions of “eggshell” topics, and this is just a basic overview of a general approach. It’s a radical way, and you have to be open-minded…but remember, conversation with your partner is just like sex: there is nobody looking but the two of you, so don’t try to be “cool”, instead care and connect and support each other, and then only magic will happen.
If it is hard to picture or understand what I have described here – or if you think that it is “just not you” – then I assure you, I can help you find the version of this approach that “is” you.
The big secret is: when you both feel completely safe with each other – all the eggshell topics will disappear – there will truly be nothing that you are uncomfortable talking about, and no problems you can’t solve together.
And when you have a relationship where you can talk about anything at all, you are both set free to become the man or woman you have always wanted to be – and to create the relationship with each other that both of your hearts have always longed for.
Please contact me with any questions or comments – this is all Truth, and I am here to help you with it.