It happens every day, in thousands of therapy sessions and millions of relationships…

One partner confronts the other over a negative incident or situation from “the past” –

While the other demands:

“Why do you keep bringing that up? What else is there to say? How can we ever move on if you won’t get over it?”

“It” could have been years ago, or yesterday –

“It” could be a major trauma (like an affair), or something less extreme that still cuts deep (like an insensitive comment) –

But whatever “it” is –

One partner insists: let’s close the door on the issue, once and for all –

While the other feels unheard, dismissed, and unresolved…

So here’s the truth: whatever the topic –

No relationship can have true harmony without real closure.

Closure means that for both partners there is a sense of understanding and acceptance, of making peace with whatever happened –

And this does not occur simply when it is “understood” that something wrong has transpired:

“I get it, it was wrong, I’m sorry – can we please move on now?”

Closure is not an “idea” – it is an experience: an experience of relief.

You know what relief feels like:

Good, free, safe, joyful, easy – the way a relationship is supposed to!

If both of you don’t feel that way about the incident or situation – then the healing is not complete.

So as much as the “just drop it” partner may not want to hear it, the “complaining” partner’s feelings mean that true closure has not taken place.

How do you create this experience of true closure?

Three conditions are necessary:

-Validation

-Attunement

-Integration

 

Validation

Validation doesn’t mean just acknowledging the other’s perspective – it means caring deeply about it –

This doesn’t (necessarily) mean you agree with their version of the facts, or their version of events – 

You’re not validating their memory or their interpretation – you’re validating their feelings –

Without resentment or impatience  or skepticism –

It means you want to understand their pain, and  prevent them from ever feeling that way again.

It also means that you are both committed to exploring together why this situation has left you both feeling like opponents rather than partners –

And preventing your relationship from ever feeling that way again…

 

Attunement

Attunement is the ability to be aware of, and responsive to, another person’s emotional needs and moods.

In healthy relationships, it is happening in the moment, every moment, that you are together.

You might be talking about “the past” – but that discussion is happening in the present, and so the discussion itself is an expression of your current emotional bond.

That’s why it is basically a form of gaslighting to refuse to address a partner’s turmoil because the topic under discussion is not occurring “right now” –

It is now – it is affecting you right now –

And that means:

That your disconnect is not just about this issue – it is a symptom of a deep split –

No, not that kind of split! 

An emotional split between you, that must be repaired!

 

Integration

Integration means that the process of working through the issue becomes a positive foundation of your relationship –

Which creates shared, positive meanings for both of you:

-That you can resolve problems and face challenges together

-That you can defeat issues which threaten to drive you apart 

-That you are always learning more about yourselves in ways that deepen your connection

-That you never deny or dismiss each other’s feelings

-That you will face every obstacle together as an opportunity to grow and evolve

 -That you never allow differences to turn you into opponents by learning how to always put love first!

 

Excuses

Here are some of the main “excuses” partners not validating, attuning and integrating sore feelings about past events  – and why they just don’t hold up:

-“We agreed that we already resolved this”

That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because it’s not true. It’s not true because that feeling of relief never occurred – I promise you, if it had, the partner would not still be bringing up this issue.

If they still feel unresolved, then that initial “closure” was not real, and it is not their “fault.”

They are not “going back on their agreement” to move on – they are simply being true to their feelings.

– “That was so long ago”

It doesn’t matter how long ago a traumatic event occurred – if it fractured the emotional connection between partners, then it is still a living energy between them.

The only reason the elapsing of time would matter is if during that time, actual healing had occurred.

If the partner is still bringing it up – then that simply hasn’t happened – no matter how badly the other partner may want to believe it “should have.”

– “It wasn’t a big deal; you’re making too much of it”

A partner is never “making too much” of something until you reach a stage of relationship where you both feel total emotional safety – at that point, you might (if appropriate) comfortably say, “Hey, honey, I think you’re being too sensitive” – but that is not the dynamic this blog is exploring.

It is entirely possible that the “injured” partner will indeed decide that they need to become more emotionally mature – less sensitive, or more accurate in their interpretation of others; perhaps somehow wiser in their words or deeds.

But for that realization to strengthen the relationship, it must happen in a space of deep mutual care.

 

A New Beginning

It is ironic – partners don’t want to be “stuck in the past”, so they don’t fully address those issues…

And that keeps them stuck in the past!

The whole reason we are in a marriage is to be accepted as we are, with all of our eccentricities and sensitivities and imperfections..

And then we can change and grow for the better.

But we can only be that vulnerable in an environment of care and love, not judgement..

Which is done by creating that shared experience of closure that I have been describing.

This is what “successful” couples do for each other – they grow together in empathy, so that over time, they exist in a co-created space of pure love and care.

And this can only happen when you learn how to Put Love First.

This is transformative and uplifting philosophy, along with extensive practical teaching, is the foundation of all our work here at Relationship Remedy.

You might not have considered this, but when you work to fix your marriage, you are creating a miracle.

That’s what a happy marriage is: a miracle.

I don’t mean “stunning and rare” – like an eclipse, or raining fish.

I don’t mean “endangered” either, although you can indeed go a long time without seeing one: like a snow leopard or a mountain gorilla.

What I mean is that a happy marriage is sublime and special – indeed, sacred.

And so: when you commit to any program of marriage therapy or coaching, your relationship must be treated like the miracle that it is.

What does that mean?

It means – if you want me to help with your marriage, don’t pull this kind of crap:

 

Don’t expect me to do all the work

That’s because YOU have to do it – I can’t do the work for you!

I will give you clear guidance, specific instructions, support and inspiration: what to do, what to say, how to problem-solve and troubleshoot…

But you have to do the work –

Just like anything that takes discipline and effort – like exercise, or dieting, or completing a worthy project.

In this case, you will learn how to free yourself from emotional and psychological habits that no longer serve you – that are sabotaging your marriage!

This requires not only that you work together as a team, but also that you fearlessly face yourself, instead of fighting or shutting down –

That you purge yourself of selfishness or immaturity that you might have been oblivious to…

And you will be uncomfortable sometimes!

I personally love being uncomfortable when I am learning how I can do better – when I know I am breaking through limitations that are preventing me from living my best life and realizing my highest potential.

And marriage is a pinnacle of human possibility that you create together: a sanctuary and a source of strength, that fulfills you and sustains you on your journey through this life which can be so hard, so harsh and mad.

You’ve heard the expression: “marriage is hard work” –

So show up ready – to work hard and succeed!

 

Don’t be an addict

For example:

Don’t call me because you want me to make your partner stop riding you about your one single innocent nightly glass of wine – the one that takes about 4 or 5 refills to consume (and those secret little “minis” of vodka hidden around the house like adult Easter eggs shouldn’t count either, right?)

Or, alternatively: don’t call me because you think your partner is addicted, and you want me to make them stop.

Understand this: if your partner is an addict, they are in a state of biological infatuation: the biochemistry and neurocircuitry of addiction actually resemble that of passionate emotional attachment to a person.

But attachment to another human is a dynamic process that organically evolves, for good or bad. Attachment to a toxic behavior pattern only mutates and corrodes.

Addicts can’t work on their marriage because they are going through life in a kind of trance that takes up all the space where their humanity should be.

This sabotages their ability to naturally develop through life experiences – or to even function.

Whatever they are addicted to: alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling, food, ideological fanaticism of any political variety…

The only possibility for real change and transformation is if the addicted partner acknowledges that they have a problem :

“I’m addicted to rage and hate! And energy drinks and edibles! And OnlyFans…”

(Actually, that’s a relationship you might just want to get out of!)

To be clear: redemption is always possible, even for the most broken among us…

Hitting rock bottom seems to do it…sometimes…

So therefore: if your partner is completely vulnerable, and states that they want to go clean cold turkey, with 100% transparency…well, you do have a real shot at pulling it off, although the road ahead will be challenging…

Look: your journey is all yours. Just know what you are getting into.

Too many sincere addicts just can’t seem to do it…and some can.

So again, your journey is unique. I send you care and support.

 

Don’t be in the middle of a passionate affair

This is for the same reason as the previous example, except in this case, you or your partner are biologically infatuated with another actual human being.

You would probably use the phrase “in love with” (although in my approach we discover that the word “love” has a different, deeper – more accurate – meaning. But that is a topic for another post.)

For practical purposes, this infatuation – we call it “limerence” – means that there is no room to work on the marriage since the “in love” partner is basically obsessed and thinking compulsively about their other lover all the time.

There is simply not the mutual drive towards togetherness and connection which is the only reason to do this work in the first place.

As with the less glamorous – less idealized! – addiction to substances, the “in love” person has to recognize that their powerful compulsions are – like all of life’s challenges – powerful opportunities to grow and evolve into the very best version of oneself –

This takes a level of self-insight and maturity which, frankly, too many men and women are not capable of summoning from within.

But again – some are…

And again, your journey is unique

 

Don’t be dishonest, sketchy, deceptive, manipulative, gaslighting…

If you follow my work, you know it goes way beyond traditional therapy: we also incorporate healing energy and consciousness work into our process.

What does that mean? It’s not mysterious:

Life is energy: violent and peaceful, happy and sad, generous and selfish – light and dark.

There are emotions, qualities, and states of being – energies – which are common to all of us.

And these energies we share with each other create common, automatic effects.

Love and care, sincerity, respect: these energies have a healing effect, and create well-being.

On the other hand, deception – lying, dishonesty – these are toxic, destructive energies that you feel – and that destroy any possibility of a happy marriage.

When they are present and pervasive, you will both, ultimately, become physically and psycho-emotionally sick.

And while you may or may not have been “getting away with it” – gaslighting, perhaps? – it will all come out in the course of any true marriage or relationship work.

Even if you never admit to it, the work simply will not…work.

Toxic partners tell themselves that “what my partner doesn’t know won’t hurt them” but this is false. Because the partner always knows.

You feel it: the dishonesty, the lack of respect, the void where sincere care and partnership should be – all of it is visceral, palpable.

You both actually experience it, even if you are – consciously or unconsciously – pretending that you don’t.

And you always end up facing the consequences, one way or another: we plant the seeds for our future circumstances – we cause an effect – with every choice we make, each word and deed.

And so honesty, transparency, and emotional safety as energetic realities are essential to creating the breakthroughs, the healing, the teamwork  – the “happily-ever-after” – that is the only worthy goal of working on your marriage.

 

Don’t think your partner is the whole problem

That’s right, don’t show up, point at your partner and say: “You need to fix them.”

Because it’s easy to feel that almost all of your issues are your partner’s fault.

“Not everything, of course – I know I’m not perfect.”

But you know that really, once we get into it – it’s mostly their fault, right? Almost entirely!

I’ve had plenty of people absolve themselves completely of blame in that way.

Some of them were right – their partner was abusive or narcissistic and unwilling to evolve. Those were toxic marriages that deserved to be terminated. Those do exist.

But otherwise, I guarantee you: if your marriage is worth saving, you absolutely have just as much work to do as your partner.

Your partner is a good, sincere human being – otherwise, why are you trying to fix your marriage?

So don’t think of your personal issues as your “fault.”

They are more your “responsibility.”

And really, they are your opportunity – to finally evolve into the man or that woman that you want to be.

Which is all you are longing for – both of you!

To heal unresolved issues around emotional safety and vulnerability.

To develop personal attributes such as patience, empathy, and self-esteem.

This might sound complicated, but it’s actually so simple, because love is the healer.

Past, present, and future: you can heal all of it, with love.

To know yourself as love, and share that with your partner..

To expand your conscious awareness of what “love” really means…

You will move forward stronger and more peacefully than ever, with love.

Learning how to heal the past by loving each other is the road to a life of mutual care, harmony, and security which can be everything you ever dared hope for, as long as you are both willing to do the work.

After all – if you feel like you’re getting your marriage or relationship wrong, you don’t want to screw up the treatment as well, right?