Relationship Remedy with Ray Rivers

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How to Finally Get Closure on an Issue

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It happens every day, in thousands of therapy sessions and millions of relationships…

One partner confronts the other over a negative incident or situation from “the past” –

While the other demands:

“Why do you keep bringing that up? What else is there to say? How can we ever move on if you won’t get over it?”

“It” could have been years ago, or yesterday –

“It” could be a major trauma (like an affair), or something less extreme that still cuts deep (like an insensitive comment) –

But whatever “it” is –

One partner insists: let’s close the door on the issue, once and for all –

While the other feels unheard, dismissed, and unresolved…

So here’s the truth: whatever the topic –

No relationship can have true harmony without real closure.

Closure means that for both partners there is a sense of understanding and acceptance, of making peace with whatever happened –

And this does not occur simply when it is “understood” that something wrong has transpired:

“I get it, it was wrong, I’m sorry – can we please move on now?”

Closure is not an “idea” – it is an experience: an experience of relief.

You know what relief feels like:

Good, free, safe, joyful, easy – the way a relationship is supposed to!

If both of you don’t feel that way about the incident or situation – then the healing is not complete.

So as much as the “just drop it” partner may not want to hear it, the “complaining” partner’s feelings mean that true closure has not taken place.

How do you create this experience of true closure?

Three conditions are necessary:

-Validation

-Attunement

-Integration

 

Validation

Validation doesn’t mean just acknowledging the other’s perspective – it means caring deeply about it –

This doesn’t (necessarily) mean you agree with their version of the facts, or their version of events – 

You’re not validating their memory or their interpretation – you’re validating their feelings –

Without resentment or impatience  or skepticism –

It means you want to understand their pain, and  prevent them from ever feeling that way again.

It also means that you are both committed to exploring together why this situation has left you both feeling like opponents rather than partners –

And preventing your relationship from ever feeling that way again…

 

Attunement

Attunement is the ability to be aware of, and responsive to, another person’s emotional needs and moods.

In healthy relationships, it is happening in the moment, every moment, that you are together.

You might be talking about “the past” – but that discussion is happening in the present, and so the discussion itself is an expression of your current emotional bond.

That’s why it is basically a form of gaslighting to refuse to address a partner’s turmoil because the topic under discussion is not occurring “right now” –

It is now – it is affecting you right now –

And that means:

That your disconnect is not just about this issue – it is a symptom of a deep split –

No, not that kind of split! 

An emotional split between you, that must be repaired!

 

Integration

Integration means that the process of working through the issue becomes a positive foundation of your relationship –

Which creates shared, positive meanings for both of you:

-That you can resolve problems and face challenges together

-That you can defeat issues which threaten to drive you apart 

-That you are always learning more about yourselves in ways that deepen your connection

-That you never deny or dismiss each other’s feelings

-That you will face every obstacle together as an opportunity to grow and evolve

 -That you never allow differences to turn you into opponents by learning how to always put love first!

 

Excuses

Here are some of the main “excuses” partners not validating, attuning and integrating sore feelings about past events  – and why they just don’t hold up:

-“We agreed that we already resolved this”

That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because it’s not true. It’s not true because that feeling of relief never occurred – I promise you, if it had, the partner would not still be bringing up this issue.

If they still feel unresolved, then that initial “closure” was not real, and it is not their “fault.”

They are not “going back on their agreement” to move on – they are simply being true to their feelings.

– “That was so long ago”

It doesn’t matter how long ago a traumatic event occurred – if it fractured the emotional connection between partners, then it is still a living energy between them.

The only reason the elapsing of time would matter is if during that time, actual healing had occurred.

If the partner is still bringing it up – then that simply hasn’t happened – no matter how badly the other partner may want to believe it “should have.”

– “It wasn’t a big deal; you’re making too much of it”

A partner is never “making too much” of something until you reach a stage of relationship where you both feel total emotional safety – at that point, you might (if appropriate) comfortably say, “Hey, honey, I think you’re being too sensitive” – but that is not the dynamic this blog is exploring.

It is entirely possible that the “injured” partner will indeed decide that they need to become more emotionally mature – less sensitive, or more accurate in their interpretation of others; perhaps somehow wiser in their words or deeds.

But for that realization to strengthen the relationship, it must happen in a space of deep mutual care.

 

A New Beginning

It is ironic – partners don’t want to be “stuck in the past”, so they don’t fully address those issues…

And that keeps them stuck in the past!

The whole reason we are in a marriage is to be accepted as we are, with all of our eccentricities and sensitivities and imperfections..

And then we can change and grow for the better.

But we can only be that vulnerable in an environment of care and love, not judgement..

Which is done by creating that shared experience of closure that I have been describing.

This is what “successful” couples do for each other – they grow together in empathy, so that over time, they exist in a co-created space of pure love and care.

And this can only happen when you learn how to Put Love First.

This is transformative and uplifting philosophy, along with extensive practical teaching, is the foundation of all our work here at Relationship Remedy.

So You’re A Good Guy, but your wife is constantly “agitated” and “disrespectful”

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It’s a pattern I encounter frequently in couples: the husband complaining that the wife is constantly either irritable, nagging or lashing out at him –

To the point that it feels unbearable –

They often describe it as “disrespectful.”

It’s when the wife constantly addresses him in an angry, blaming tone of voice which is painful to experience and feels abusive – as she complains of his insensitivity or poor character.

She could be speaking of any and every aspect of the marriage, from the mundane (such as household chores or schedules), to more significant (financial disagreements or intimacy).

To the hurting husband, this all feels unfair and inaccurate. He feels like he is basically a good guy: well-intentioned, hard-working, pretty chilled out –  and that there is no justification for the wife to talk to him in this awful way.

He is both right and wrong.

He is right, of course, in the sense that there is no excuse, no reason, for one partner to treat another with disrespect. It is toxic and miserable – and often a dealbreaker.

But in another sense, there is more to the picture – because in my extensive experience, much deeper issues are revealing themselves –

Issues that can usually be healed, if you are both willing to do the work.

 

Perspectives: His and Hers

From the husband’s perspective it’s either:

“There is no reason at all for her to be this upset.”

Or:

“I get that she’s upset, but she shouldn’t be a bitch about it!” (that part is true!)

 

And he is truly suffering, because he loves his wife, he wants to be with her, but he feels so mistreated that he finds himself sometimes questioning the viability of their marriage.

But the fact is – and this is usually a shock for the husband to hear – the wife feels just as mistreated as the husband – every time –

In other words, she is not just selfish and shallow – her pain is real, just as real as his.

This makes no sense to the husband, because her emotional violence seems to come out of nowhere – or else it feels like an extreme overreaction –

To the point that he is wondering if there is something “wrong” with her – a clinical condition of some kind.

Because most men (and women) think that, while they may not be perfect, they are certainly not insensitive enough to deserve the level of rage they are experiencing.

But after working with thousands of clients, I am certain that while the wife’s reaction may be unreasonable, her pain and suffering are real –

What is really triggering her is not only the specific incident or conversation, but the bigger picture:

It is her sense that there are constant dynamics in the marriage which were issues for her long before the marriage –

And which have then continued to accumulate during the marriage –

To the point that they are boiling, spilling over and scalding their emotional connection –

Because it is always easier to feel the rage than it is to feel the pain behind the rage…

 

Where Does the Pain Come From?

The pain comes from unresolved issues she has confronted throughout her life, starting as a young child, and now playing out for her in a subjectively very real way in her relationship with her husband –

Feeling minimized, dismissed, unheard, disrespected, controlled, misunderstood –

Feeling like she is carrying more than her fair share of the burden of responsibilities (even as she is accused of not taking on enough of them)

Feeling – indeed, ironically – disrespected –

By the very attachment figures she is counting on to prioritize and appreciate her, to make her feel emotionally safer than anyone else in her world –

First as a young child…and now in the marriage…

And so she is fighting, defending herself.

 

Beyond Her Control?

The only reason an individual fights is that they perceive danger.

When she is lashing out, she feels viscerally threatened – endangered – at the most primal biological level of her being.

This activates the sympathetic branch of her autonomic nervous system –

In other words, her fight-or-flight response.

And nobody is reasonable once their fight-or-flight circuitry is triggered.

(Unless, that is, they have done a great deal of self-development work. Then it’s easy. But this is rare.)

The sympathetic nervous system (as you may know) is the same circuitry designed to protect us in actual life-or-death situations – in which one must either fight or flee to defend oneself.

There is a change in biochemistry and bioelectricity, thought and feeling, that affects every aspect of the brain and body.

This triggers automatic behavior: specifically, whatever behavior the organism (in this case human) engages in when under threat.

In animals, this can include biting, pecking, physically subduing, or perhaps spitting venom – an ability which our spouse, fortunately, does not have.

Instead, in sentient beings like your wife, it can include blaming, berating, and yelling – and maybe behaving passive-aggressively.

It is hard to recognize that this is actually a defense response, because to the husband, it just feels like his wife is being a jerk.

In other words, for him it feels aggressive, but for her it is defensive.

Her behavior at this point is both learned and instinctive – and beyond her ability to control – until she learns how to control it.

This ability is less-than-perfect in most of the population.

 

So It’s All my Fault?

This may sound like I am saying “it’s ok” that the wife behaves this way – I am not.

I am saying that we can’t start to problem-solve and heal until we understand what is really happening on the deepest levels of mind, emotion, psyche and spirit.

I am saying that we have an imperfect human here, who is frustrated, wounded and afraid, to the point that they are triggered into an irrational emotional episode –

And that we often tend to judge others as deficient while holding ourselves to different standards of accountability as far as exploring the real needs of what this thing you are creating together – this marriage – is asking of both of you at the highest level of possibility –

Which is always: how do we create more peace and love together?

Certainly, the husband has his own valid complaints in the marriage – this is not an “either/or” situation, where either he is right, or that she is right, and one cancels out the other.

But he is usually very wrong about his own “innocence”. And approaching it from a morally superior perspective is – we all must learn on our journey – just an undeveloped ego trying to perpetuate itself – rather than allowing itself to be sacrificed to spiritual growth.

There is no “right” or “wrong” about this, no “good guy” or “bad guy” –

We are simply two beings learning how to better care for the heart of our partner, by deepening our empathy for each other’s unique needs…

Learning how to love each other more completely – and, in the process, make ourselves whole as well.

This is an essential foundation of meaningful couples work: an uncompromising commitment to fully explore and resolve every issue that may be blocking the flow of care and connection between a couple –

Yes, every single one – that is absolutely my personal and professional approach.

We give care and grace to the unresolved complexities of the life the couple has been creating together – and we heal the ways they have not been able to collaborate in a spirit of love and care, until a resolution that feels good to both of them reveals itself.

 

The Moment of Truth

The spiritual contract of marriage is a beautiful thing: two people agreeing that they are going to love each other as a conscious, intentional choice –

To create a loving home as a physical sanctuary, and a loving relationship as an emotional one.

So when either partner feels threatened, that is actually an opportunity for both of them to learn how to love more deeply –

But too often, it causes them to either fight or flee.

One of the main reasons we get married is to grow and improve, and change – to evolve.

We don’t know that at the beginning, of course

And so –

When lived with integrity, we are so often led to confront one of the hardest “revelations” that couples therapy frequently reveals –

That we are actually hurting our partner in ways that we would never intentionally choose to – or even imagine ourselves capable of.

Facing this is one of the most common moments of disillusionment that partners must face – but it is also an opportunity to bounce back together, stronger than ever.

 

So What About Her “Disrespect”?

Her being feels assaulted – just like his.

Her spirit feels weary – just like his.

She feels so legitimately oppressed and mistreated that she is lashing out in an unreasonable vicious way – because she has not learned another way of handling her feelings, and because her sympathetic nervous system has been activated beyond her capacity to self-regulate.

This does not mean that her behavior is ok – it is not.

But it does mean that she is not “the problem.”

Rather, the problem is their mutual inability to communicate in a way that feels good and right to both of them – no matter how triggering the issue.

The ability to do this can be taught – and they are both longing to learn how!

These skills are beyond the scope of this particular blog post, but I will give you this very big clue:

With every challenge that arises, with every issue that confronts you, ask yourself: how do we heal this with love?

There is a way.

If you are willing to do the work, and honor the longing in each other’s heart –

For love, and ease, and real care –

Then I promise you – there is always a way.

 

Disclaimer:

Please note: any situation you feel is abusive should be left as fast as possible – do not misunderstand me on this point! Assessing that is beyond the scope of this blog – but it is important to make this clear!

The Spiritual Power Couple: Love, Influence, and Legacy

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What’s the difference between a “power couple” and a “spiritual power couple”?

A “power couple” consists of “two people who are each influential and successful in their own right.”

That’s according to society’s standard-bearer for the English language, the Oxford English dictionary.

But there’s no Oxford definition for “spiritual power couple” – which is perfect – because spiritual power couples don’t “bear” society’s standards – they break free of them!

Their definition of “success” transcends any social status that they may have achieved – through their superior commitment to Love, Influence, and Legacy.

Love

What does “Love” mean to a spiritual power couple?

Most couples, when they marry, would say they are “in love”.

They stimulate each other, they feel excited, alive, and turned on both physically and emotionally.

For “power couples” in the traditional sense, these feelings are intensified by the worldly “success” both enjoy.

However, you may have noticed that so many of these “in love” couples end up painfully divorcing – so where did the “love” go?

The spiritual reality is that the love is always there –

Because for a spiritual power couple, “love” does not refer to that mighty but fickle emotional force that comes and goes so unpredictably.

It is – rather – a profound state that feels clear and peaceful – and eternal. A spiritual couple are at home in the universe and with each other.

This deep inner peace seems hard to reach in today’s volatile world, no matter how most of us long for it.

For many “power couples” the relationship itself causes tension and stress.

Seeking relief, people do whatever they can, to find that “sweet spot” for just a few minutes or hours – they have spa days or consume media, they take walks or take drugs (prescribed or illegal) –

But for spiritual power couples, love is a state of consciousness that they live in and share with each other – and that they never leave.

This is because they have learned what it means to truly, always, put love first.

Specifically, that means that whenever a difficulty, a conflict, a challenge tries to come between them, they ask only one question: how do we resolve this with love?

They look within themselves for an answer, and they ask it of each other, in a spirit of collaboration and care.

And the very fact that this is all they ever do creates a reality in which all they ever feel with each other is emotional safety.

Unlike unconscious couples, every “conflict” transforms into an act of love – which both deepens the connection between them and makes them thrive as individuals.

It becomes what they can expect from each other – a sanctuary they can count on.

An overflowing wellspring of inner peace.

It also gives them problem-solving skills which give them a superior advantage in the “real world.”

This commitment is why they are a spiritual power couple:

Because putting love first is their true power.

 

Influence

This is the age of the “Influencer”, yes?

Celebrities (and “celebrities”) are followed and admired – their thought processes and attitudes internalized, mimicked.

Nothing new here – there have been leaders and followers since the beginning of time. Trends emerge from the universal subconscious, and soon everybody is doing it or saying it or dressing that way –

And then we’ve all moved on to the next new thing…

But the spiritual power couple has a different kind of influence:

They radiate an of essence of stability, grounded in eternal values – which resonates, heals and transforms.

The spiritual power couple recognizes that criticism, judgement, condemnation and impatience are all forms of emotional violence –

Which some influencers exploit to attract millions of followers…whipping up frenzied passionate outrage, like a pyromaniac sparking a fire –

Fueling toxic habits of thought and feeling that eventually take over the families and relationships and cultures of all who indulge.

But here’s the trick about violence: it is appealing and exciting in the abstract, which is why movies, tv shows, and other media have always been stuffed full of it –

But in real life: it leaves people feeling broken and sick. It is repellent and traumatizing.

And so leaders, and celebrities (and husbands and wives and parents) who leverage emotional violence as the source of their influence must inevitably leave damage and trauma in their wake.

People may fear them, but they don’t like them. And the notion that respect is based in fear is false: nobody truly respects someone who, at the core of their being, they are afraid of–for that is the definition of a bully.

But the spiritual power couple is not only beyond such manipulation, but they influence others as a force of good.

So while we are vulnerable to fear, our true nature is love.

It is love that we perpetually seek to know consciously (not only in the deepest regions of our psyche and spirit) –  and to share with those who are most special to us.

 

Legacy

The dynamic of power through fear and emotional exploitation plays out in families and relationships as surely as it does the greater society – and this is the cycle which the spiritual power couple break.

They are committed to purifying themselves of negative emotional habits – they see every challenge as an opportunity to deepen their connection and create greater stability.

In doing so, they break toxic cycles of fear, blame and selfishness which have typically been passed down through many generations.

They heal the past by loving in the present –

And that is how they establish a new foundation of emotional safety for the future for everyone in their sphere of influence –

And that is, ultimately, their enduring legacy.

We need spiritual power couples

Our world today is filled with conflict and disharmony – families too.

The culture of modern society seems more conflicted than ever, as if it is trying to seduce us all into choosing sides in one way or another – and fighting against perceived “opponents” –

But spiritual power couples influence everyone they meet through their commitment to cultivating and spreading their positive energy.

This is who they are with each other, and this is what they transmit to the world – so they not only influence others, but their very presence heals and transforms – because they have healed and transformed themselves:

-By not letting social-media norms of competition and negativity influence their thoughts and distort their connection

-By being true to each other’s hearts – not compromised by tribal, reactive, and conformist impulses which confuse so many relationships

-By putting love first all the time, as a way of life, and sharing that freedom with others as an inspirational model

This is the pinnacle of what a marriage is supposed to be on the human journey – because the reason we marry in the first place is to know love.

Every couple is a spiritual power couple, once they break free from all the outside influences and learn how to trust and deepen their connection.

There is no freedom like being true to yourselves – and each other – in this sacred way.

How NOT to work with your marriage therapist or relationship coach

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You might not have considered this, but when you work to fix your marriage, you are creating a miracle.

That’s what a happy marriage is: a miracle.

I don’t mean “stunning and rare” – like an eclipse, or raining fish.

I don’t mean “endangered” either, although you can indeed go a long time without seeing one: like a snow leopard or a mountain gorilla.

What I mean is that a happy marriage is sublime and special – indeed, sacred.

And so: when you commit to any program of marriage therapy or coaching, your relationship must be treated like the miracle that it is.

What does that mean?

It means – if you want me to help with your marriage, don’t pull this kind of crap:

 

Don’t expect me to do all the work

That’s because YOU have to do it – I can’t do the work for you!

I will give you clear guidance, specific instructions, support and inspiration: what to do, what to say, how to problem-solve and troubleshoot…

But you have to do the work –

Just like anything that takes discipline and effort – like exercise, or dieting, or completing a worthy project.

In this case, you will learn how to free yourself from emotional and psychological habits that no longer serve you – that are sabotaging your marriage!

This requires not only that you work together as a team, but also that you fearlessly face yourself, instead of fighting or shutting down –

That you purge yourself of selfishness or immaturity that you might have been oblivious to…

And you will be uncomfortable sometimes!

I personally love being uncomfortable when I am learning how I can do better – when I know I am breaking through limitations that are preventing me from living my best life and realizing my highest potential.

And marriage is a pinnacle of human possibility that you create together: a sanctuary and a source of strength, that fulfills you and sustains you on your journey through this life which can be so hard, so harsh and mad.

You’ve heard the expression: “marriage is hard work” –

So show up ready – to work hard and succeed!

 

Don’t be an addict

For example:

Don’t call me because you want me to make your partner stop riding you about your one single innocent nightly glass of wine – the one that takes about 4 or 5 refills to consume (and those secret little “minis” of vodka hidden around the house like adult Easter eggs shouldn’t count either, right?)

Or, alternatively: don’t call me because you think your partner is addicted, and you want me to make them stop.

Understand this: if your partner is an addict, they are in a state of biological infatuation: the biochemistry and neurocircuitry of addiction actually resemble that of passionate emotional attachment to a person.

But attachment to another human is a dynamic process that organically evolves, for good or bad. Attachment to a toxic behavior pattern only mutates and corrodes.

Addicts can’t work on their marriage because they are going through life in a kind of trance that takes up all the space where their humanity should be.

This sabotages their ability to naturally develop through life experiences – or to even function.

Whatever they are addicted to: alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling, food, ideological fanaticism of any political variety…

The only possibility for real change and transformation is if the addicted partner acknowledges that they have a problem :

“I’m addicted to rage and hate! And energy drinks and edibles! And OnlyFans…”

(Actually, that’s a relationship you might just want to get out of!)

To be clear: redemption is always possible, even for the most broken among us…

Hitting rock bottom seems to do it…sometimes…

So therefore: if your partner is completely vulnerable, and states that they want to go clean cold turkey, with 100% transparency…well, you do have a real shot at pulling it off, although the road ahead will be challenging…

Look: your journey is all yours. Just know what you are getting into.

Too many sincere addicts just can’t seem to do it…and some can.

So again, your journey is unique. I send you care and support.

 

Don’t be in the middle of a passionate affair

This is for the same reason as the previous example, except in this case, you or your partner are biologically infatuated with another actual human being.

You would probably use the phrase “in love with” (although in my approach we discover that the word “love” has a different, deeper – more accurate – meaning. But that is a topic for another post.)

For practical purposes, this infatuation – we call it “limerence” – means that there is no room to work on the marriage since the “in love” partner is basically obsessed and thinking compulsively about their other lover all the time.

There is simply not the mutual drive towards togetherness and connection which is the only reason to do this work in the first place.

As with the less glamorous – less idealized! – addiction to substances, the “in love” person has to recognize that their powerful compulsions are – like all of life’s challenges – powerful opportunities to grow and evolve into the very best version of oneself –

This takes a level of self-insight and maturity which, frankly, too many men and women are not capable of summoning from within.

But again – some are…

And again, your journey is unique

 

Don’t be dishonest, sketchy, deceptive, manipulative, gaslighting…

If you follow my work, you know it goes way beyond traditional therapy: we also incorporate healing energy and consciousness work into our process.

What does that mean? It’s not mysterious:

Life is energy: violent and peaceful, happy and sad, generous and selfish – light and dark.

There are emotions, qualities, and states of being – energies – which are common to all of us.

And these energies we share with each other create common, automatic effects.

Love and care, sincerity, respect: these energies have a healing effect, and create well-being.

On the other hand, deception – lying, dishonesty – these are toxic, destructive energies that you feel – and that destroy any possibility of a happy marriage.

When they are present and pervasive, you will both, ultimately, become physically and psycho-emotionally sick.

And while you may or may not have been “getting away with it” – gaslighting, perhaps? – it will all come out in the course of any true marriage or relationship work.

Even if you never admit to it, the work simply will not…work.

Toxic partners tell themselves that “what my partner doesn’t know won’t hurt them” but this is false. Because the partner always knows.

You feel it: the dishonesty, the lack of respect, the void where sincere care and partnership should be – all of it is visceral, palpable.

You both actually experience it, even if you are – consciously or unconsciously – pretending that you don’t.

And you always end up facing the consequences, one way or another: we plant the seeds for our future circumstances – we cause an effect – with every choice we make, each word and deed.

And so honesty, transparency, and emotional safety as energetic realities are essential to creating the breakthroughs, the healing, the teamwork  – the “happily-ever-after” – that is the only worthy goal of working on your marriage.

 

Don’t think your partner is the whole problem

That’s right, don’t show up, point at your partner and say: “You need to fix them.”

Because it’s easy to feel that almost all of your issues are your partner’s fault.

“Not everything, of course – I know I’m not perfect.”

But you know that really, once we get into it – it’s mostly their fault, right? Almost entirely!

I’ve had plenty of people absolve themselves completely of blame in that way.

Some of them were right – their partner was abusive or narcissistic and unwilling to evolve. Those were toxic marriages that deserved to be terminated. Those do exist.

But otherwise, I guarantee you: if your marriage is worth saving, you absolutely have just as much work to do as your partner.

Your partner is a good, sincere human being – otherwise, why are you trying to fix your marriage?

So don’t think of your personal issues as your “fault.”

They are more your “responsibility.”

And really, they are your opportunity – to finally evolve into the man or that woman that you want to be.

Which is all you are longing for – both of you!

To heal unresolved issues around emotional safety and vulnerability.

To develop personal attributes such as patience, empathy, and self-esteem.

This might sound complicated, but it’s actually so simple, because love is the healer.

Past, present, and future: you can heal all of it, with love.

To know yourself as love, and share that with your partner..

To expand your conscious awareness of what “love” really means…

You will move forward stronger and more peacefully than ever, with love.

Learning how to heal the past by loving each other is the road to a life of mutual care, harmony, and security which can be everything you ever dared hope for, as long as you are both willing to do the work.

After all – if you feel like you’re getting your marriage or relationship wrong, you don’t want to screw up the treatment as well, right?

Can Counseling Lead to More Sex in Marriage?

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The title of this blog is actually a trending topic, which means this question is on a lot of people’s minds – so apparently plenty of married couples out there are dissatisfied with their sex life, but don’t feel capable of fixing it themselves.

Sex is just like everything else in a marriage: a collaboration, and learning how to successfully collaborate on every challenge is one pillar of a healthy marriage.

Sex is also one of the most deeply personal aspects of ourselves – but marriage demands that we create with each other a comfortably shared understanding of its role in our lives.

So if more sex is desired, by one or both partners, then working together to resolve discontent might seem overwhelming at first, because the sexual relationship brings to the surface all of our deepest physical, psychological, and emotional vulnerabilities.

Counseling, therapy, and elite or executive-based programs like Relationship Remedy™ create the safe space to work through these sensitive issues and emerge stronger and more connected with each other than ever before.

I have found that these are some of the most common obstacles couples must work through:

 

Craving vs. Caring

I get this one all the time: one partner feels pressured to have more sex, but no longer feels a strong enough emotional connection with their partner – and without that connection, they really don’t want to.

Their partner, meanwhile, complains that they need the sex to feel emotionally connected in the first place. “Sex is my love language” he says (yes, “he”: while there are just as many marriages in which the woman is sexually frustrated, I have found that referring to sex as a “love language” is particularly common to men…)

What to do with this scenario?

Well, certainly sex can be many different things: loving or lustful, soothing or exciting. It can be a selfish act, or an act of pure giving. It can be an expression of intimacy, or a physically transactional pleasure. A bonding of souls, or a release of tension –

But one way or another, a thriving marriage demands: that couples learn to relate to each other with care, warmth, empathy and sensitivity.

To always put love first as they work through even the most intense issues.

As you develop that skill set, your relationship matures to create a dynamic of stability and wholeness unique to marriage. And the two of you draw ever closer together: spiritually, emotionally – and physically.

Creating the space for this mutual evolution is a primary goal of superior marriage work.

 

Negative Anticipation

If, when you anticipate sex with your partner, you think things like: “this is going to be weird/awkward/unpleasant” – well, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, doesn’t it?

Even more significant is the fact that you do not feel equipped to have a safe and constructive discussion about this phenomenon with your partner.

Our work together can give you the tools and the clarity on how to have this conversation, which you can apply to every aspect of your marriage.

Easy collaboration should be your “new normal” for any and every topic!

(Credit note: I first encountered the concept of “negative anticipation” in the written work of Emily and Barry McCarthy).

 

Insecurity, Negative Self-Esteem, and Performance Anxiety

One of the most primal fears we bring into a marriage is the fear of rejection – that at some point our partner will realize who we “really” are – and decide that they don’t like us as much as they thought.

This can translate into almost total neuroses in the bedroom, where both men and women often feel a subconscious pressure to perform that carries with it an equally powerful – and equally unacknowledged, due to shame – fear of failure.

We bring a whole lot of ideas about who we are “supposed to be” into the bedroom – what’s more soul-crushing than feeling naked and rejected?

My mission is to provide a supportive space where you can reset your love life to what it’s supposed to be: a chance to discover through lovemaking how to care for each other more deeply, to play with each other more sweetly, and to love each other more completely.

 

Unresolved Conflicts

If you are feeling stuck when it comes to intimacy, there are probably a host of other unresolved issues, big and small, that have been building up since the beginning of your relationship. Incidents where one or both of you felt mistreated, controlled, dismissed or abandoned – that left you feeling unsafe at a core emotional level.

These can be logistical issues: perceived imbalances in work, parenting, or daily responsibilities. Big-picture dilemmas such as different long-term goals or lifestyle visions. Social, cultural, and family-of origin pressures creating a false sense of divided loyalty. Physical and mental health issues.

All of these issues culminate in the bedroom.

Until you learn how to create real closure – every time – this lack of safety becomes the unwanted baseline of your union, and  prevents you from working through your most sensitive issues all the way – because you don’t trust that you really can.

Here’s a secret: you can work through anything, and resolve every single issue, if you truly hold each other in high enough esteem – if you sense the potential in each other to meet all of your needs. More specifically, this means that you both have a sense that, even though you are imperfect, you each truly want to be the very best version of yourselves, and to support each other as you do the hard work to get there.

As you evolve together, the differences between you transform: instead of automatically fearing them as threats to your happiness, you learn to embrace them as opportunities to problem-solve together with love and care. This is actually one aspect of a recognized stage of intimate relationships which is clinically referred to as differentiation.

This inevitably leads to more fulfilling lives, as you deepen your sense of care and connection with each other – as you replace selfishness with a commitment to each other’s emotional safety.

It is normal – it is necessary – to experience uncomfortable feelings and thoughts as you work to break through the sense of burden and limitation.

When married couples work with me I can give you the tools, support, inspiration and expertise to create rock-solid care and connection for life.

A sense of being completely fulfilled with each other.

This translates organically into physical lovemaking that is right for both partners – because both partners are truly moved to put the quality of their emotional connection first.

And so they have exactly the right amount of sex for both partners to be happy.

Learning what that looks like, and what that feels like, is the next level of marital peace and contentment.

That’s why they call it “making love.”

How do I save my marriage after I cheated on my Husband?

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Yes, you can save your marriage after cheating on your husband.

In fact, your marriage can be much stronger than it was before (as impossible as that may feel right now) – if you are both willing to put in the work.

That’s both of you – not just you, alhough you did make a serious mistake.

This is because the key to repairing your relationship is based on facing, together, the reality that even before this grim crisis, your marriage was impaired by unresolved issues which your infidelity has finally forced you to face as a team.

And if you both work together to fix these issues, your marriage will – eventually – feel connected for life at a deeper, superior level of loving union.

Don’t get me wrong – you did the wrong thing – very wrong. You must indeed take steps to make it right, and earn back your husband’s trust

But you cheated because your needs were not being met, and that pain has not gone anywhere.

That matters too.

So this is not a contest to see who is the “good guy” and the “bad guy”.

After working through the initial shock, you must both resist the urge to oversimplify this debacle into a narrative of pure blame and shame.

Instead, attack this: as an opportunity for both of you to learn and grow. A chance to move forward in a meaningful and fulfilling way.

The hard truth is that some kind of unhappiness existed between you which neither of you knew how to capably address.

Learning how to have the challenging conversations that you previously could not, and seeing them all the way through to a resolution, is a basic foundation of a thriving marriage.

Teaching couples how to do this is an essential component of any relationship coaching or therapy.

And so, this truly is an opportunity to come closer together than ever before: to acknowledge difficulties and work through them together with a new level of care and maturity.

If there is enough love between you to repair and forgive – if at the end of the day, your shared longing to be together is more profound than the hurt and need which this crisis has forced you to confront – then you really can emerge from this ordeal with a peaceful, loving home.

Healing each other with love is the solution and remedy.

We can take a three – part approach:

  1. Stabilize emotional wounds
  2. Heal them  
  3. Fill your marriage with so much love that this never happens again!

 

Stabilize the Emotional Wounds with Care and Respect

Now that you are reassured that your wounds matter too – put them on hold, just for a short period of time.

Remember that your husband feels violated at the most primal level of his emotional safety. Your wounds may be deep, but your partner’s are raw – serious and acute.

So they come first – just for now.

Maybe for a few days, maybe a week: give your husband an emergency grace period to just be hurt, and vent, and don’t hide from him.

Instead, show up with care and respect. Express it with words and demonstrate it with actions.

Because your husband feels incredibly disrespected.

In a practical sense what this means is that while it is important to be remorseful, and apologize, it is just as important to express to him all the ways that you honor and appreciate him.

Tell him – don’t wait, and don’t hold back.

As we say to children: use your words, and share with him: all the ways that you love, enjoy, and respect him. Do it randomly, consistently, and sincerely, as a conscious act of love.

This might be a new behavior pattern, and it might feel strange under the circumstances, but so what – you need to take action!

Put extra effort into being present and kind. Demonstrate general good intentions, sincerity, humility, and remorse.

He might accuse you of trying to manipulate him, or say that you are only saying these things because you feel bad, or want to maintain stability.

Just own the truth of what you are doing: that you know he must wonder if he can trust that you love him enough, so you are going to show him, from your heart, that you really want him to be your person.

That you regard him highly as a human being. That you take pleasure in who he is. That your feelings for him are solid ground to rebuild on.

That is how he will start to feel safe with you again. To respect himself. And to have faith that a fulfilling life together is not only possible, but worth it.

It might be tempting to avoid him – but that will only trigger more pain and resentment. At this point your husband is too hurt and confused – threatened – to always think clearly…so he will interpret avoidance as rejection.

He needs to feel that you are taking responsibility for yourself without hiding – that the care you feel for his pain is more compelling than any impulse you may have to stay away.

This is a chance for you to learn how to feel deeply remorseful as an act of personal growth: without beating yourself up. And without that underlying sense of dread and doom.

These are life skills that you might not have yet acquired.

Go out of your way to demonstrate respect – without fear of him. This is important: if he feels that you are afraid of him, then he will feel even more disrespected, because he will sense that you are acting from an emotionally immature fear of “being in trouble” – rather than honor and care for him.

But if he feels that you appreciate his dignity and value, then he can start to open emotionally to you again.

You must share space with him in a way that he feels you are attentive, authentic, and emotionally available. Not in an anxious, walking-on-eggshells way, but with a no-drama sincerity that demonstrates support for any injury he is feeling.

As if you are rediscovering your own personal power – and self-respect – in the authenticity of your goodness and sincerity. Because you are.

So this is the time for you to be emotionally giving, without feeling like you are compromising the very emotional needs that led to your indiscretion in the first place.

I am not saying to completely avoid the topic of your own unmet needs, or pretend they aren’t significant – that habit might have been one factor which drove you to put yourself in this predicament.

But just for this stabilization period, allude to your own needs gently – as part of a bigger picture, which you will work through together at the right time, very soon. Don’t try to actively resolve them.

That said, this is also very important: he is not allowed to just stay “stuck”.

After this initial grace period, the two of you must take intentional action to move forward, by spending time together, communicating, and generally prioritizing the connection between the two of you, with or without the help of a third party.

 

Heal the Emotional Wounds

Problem-solving. Couples are already in the habit of becoming defensive when either partner tries to discuss how they may be unfulfilled in the relationship.

Healthy marriages are not threatened if this is brought up, as all long-term partnerships need occasional tweaking and readjusting.  The topic simply inspires a caring exploration of how to better meet each other’s needs.

But too many partners instead simply hear themselves being criticized, and then either shut down or lash out.

This has been your pattern as well: when differences emerged between you, you each shifted into self-preservation mode – you triggered each other. On the primitive level of your unconscious biology, you suddenly perceived other as an opponent – you each felt emotionally abandoned and unsafe.

Infidelity has made that mutual sense of instability more intense.

Learning how to work through difficult topics with courage and sensitivity is a developmental milestone within any successful relationship.

It will at first be uncomfortable, as you are not used to relating to each other with this level of depth.

However, as you develop and cultivate your intention to show up for each other, warmth and collaboration soon replace discomfort. You start to actually look forward to problem-solving together!

In practical terms, this means learning and applying specific communication skills that empower you to deepen your connection with each other.

Good news: I have a plethora of blogs and videos on how to communicate with each other (find them on my Youtube channel Ray Rivers – Relationship Remedy) but to get you started on your Google research, communication skills include:

Mindful communication, emotional self-regulation, active and reflective listening, empathetic responses, using “I” statements, creating healthy feedback loops, and applying differentiation skills.

Here’s A Tip to Finally Talk About Those Issues You’ve Been Avoiding: Try This

Here is one practical step with which you can apply when approaching conversations that are potentially triggering:

If you are asking your partner to discuss possible changes they could make towards better meeting your needs, and you are afraid they will become defensive and then accusatory:

First, identify the psychological or emotional reason that will likely feel threatened. This will either be a personal quality (such as a negative implication about their generosity, or maturity, or intelligence) or simply a lifestyle choice they are attached to, which they feel you may want to deprive them (“stop watching football on Sundays and help me clean the house.”)

Then, when discussing, before bringing up your concern, first explicitly reassure them on their point of insecurity. In other words, pre-empt their defensiveness by establishing both a sense of respect, and a commitment to an outcome they are pleased with.

So for example, if you are communicating you feel as if they work too much, at the expense of spending time together, the likely trigger is that they are going to feel attacked rather than respected for their work habits. So using the following template as a guide to find your own way of expressing it, you might say something along the general lines of:

“Husband, you are such a hard worker – you work so hard for our family. I respect your work ethic so much. And you are such a good provider – I so appreciate you, and admire you, and I’m just so grateful. But honey, I’m lonely. I miss you. Could we talk about figuring out a way we could spend more time together.”

The initial statements of respect and appreciation open him up, whereas if you simply approached him requesting more time together, he would reflexively feel both that he was being made wrong and that you were trying to take away something important to him.

This is not manipulative, because its intent is to create a more loving, caring connection between you, not to “get what you want” – it is a way of communicating with greater consciousness, and a more empathetic understanding of how we interpret each other’s words. This is especially helpful while we are still fortifying the basic connections we share with each other – which many couples are still doing even after many years together.

Honor Yourself – Even Still

You matter.

In a screwed-up way, that’s why you were unfaithful: your needs were not being met.

And you didn’t know how to make that matter.

So you acted out: in an immature and selfish way, you asserted your right to control the happiness in your life. To not be dismissed.

In a sense, you asserted your value – by seeking the attention that you know you deserve.

But you did it by violating your own moral values.

You feel so guilty – but you also feel confused.

Because you know that you did something wrong – but you also know that you have the right to an emotionally fulfilling connection with your partner.

You’ve simply felt helpless.

Your authentic self – the essence of who you are as a human being – is completely worthy of the connection you long for!

Until now, you have not known how to stand fully in your power and connect with your husband in a way that commands the attention you deserve. You have done your best, but you were limited by wherever you became stuck developmentally on your personal life journey.

The same is true for your husband – he does not know how to show up in the marriage fully present either. Couples always mirror each other as they work through their issues.

So now, this crisis is forcing you both to get unstuck – to evolve into your highest potentials as both individuals, and as a couple. That is the marriage you both deserve.

It is so important that, moving forward to repair the marriage, your emotional needs do not become lost again. Your needs and your husband’s needs are not mutually exclusive – that warped dynamic was the problem in the first place.

Honor Him

Your husband wants the same things as you: to be valued, appreciated, and respected. To focus and share what he is, not what he is not. To feel like you enjoy him as a human being.

The more you communicate ways that you appreciate him, the more he will be drawn towards sharing experiences with you. You will also find that he reciprocates, as mutual appreciation becomes a groove you both fall into.

Once again, this is not a manipulative, sweet-talking technique – I am inviting you to genuinely contemplate all the ways that you feel gratitude for having this human being in your life, and share that with him as a general orientation.

When he brings it up out of nowhere

It is likely that he may suddenly, out of nowhere, tell you that he is thinking about the affair, and feeling betrayed.

Every time this happens, simply meet his eyes and say “I know. I am so sorry. I wish I hadn’t done that. All I care about is us being together moving forward. I love you. I will tell you that as many times as you need to hear it to feel safe. I love you.”

Don’t say it defensively, or as if you are trying to convince him. Say it from the deep truth of your heart, as you care for this hurting human being. With enough time, if the two of you have enough love for each other, your union will heal.

 

Fill The Marriage With So Much Love That This Never Happens Again

Your efforts to apply the previous suggestions will likely reveal that you had fallen out of the habit of being present with each other: of taking pleasure in each other’s company and cultivating this enjoyment.

One of greatest pleasures of all marriages is rediscovering the uniqueness of the special person we are married to –

This means releasing unconscious negativity, and nurturing instead a sense of gratitude, possibility, and shared inner peace. Nourishing our sense of appreciation for the life journey we have chosen to take together.

You have likely fallen into the habit of focusing on negative aspects of your connection – anticipating negative experiences which then become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Why not give yourself the gift of approaching your new experiences together with an open mind, and an attitude of discovery, looking for the good?

That’s what a happy marriage is: when a couple finds themselves with needs that are seemingly conflicting, they work out a solution that feels good and complete to both partners.

Put another way: happy couples transform potential conflicts into acts of love that in themselves strengthen the marriage – because both partners love putting their marriage first. They love meeting each other’s needs.

Put all of your efforts into sharing life with each other, and connecting – not because your lives are glamorous and unique (although they may be) – but because you are a couple on a journey together, and sharing experiences is how we celebrate that fact.

Savor the old pleasures you have always shared, and create new moments just by appreciating each other’s company.

This current struggle will disappear into the distant past.

Learning how to face relationship challenges as a supportive team, rather than an uneasy alliance, will transform your marriage into a safe, loving sanctuary for both of you.

 

Work With A Professional

In the midst of trauma the emotions are so powerful that its easy to feel that all hope is lost.  The feeling of helplessness is the reason you acted out of character in the first place.  Hope is not lost! This is an opportunity to come back stronger than EVER before.  More healthy in your communication. Ready to receive the blessings of a seasoned battle-tested marriage that can be your destiny if you seize the day and own this opportunity.  Book your free 15-minute appointment with me now by clicking below.

How To Save Your Marriage During Your Separation

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So you’re separated, but you still want to try and make it work – things will be different now that you’ve had some time apart, right? Hopefully you’ll be able to relate to each other in new, positive ways, without falling into that same old dance you were doing before – all those automatic reactive and defensive patterns that led you to separate in the first place. Can you – this time – create an authentically fulfilling life together?

In order to do that, you have to be very clear about your goals, and intentional about how to achieve them. You might start by dividing your approach into two components: inner game and outer game…in other words, mindset and action. Here’s what I mean – let’s dive in:

 

Mindset – The Inner Game of How Emotional Awareness Restores Love

Be aware of your negative thoughts – and transform them!

After all – if you really feel negatively towards your partner – what’s the point of trying to make it work?

You might notice that your negative thoughts about your partner have become deeply rooted compulsions – you’re simply used to ruminating about all the ways they bother you, almost as a way of entertaining yourself. This is a perfectly human habit, but it’s one you have to change if you want to make a fresh start. “Stewing” over what a jerk they are is just a bad habit of thought that wastes everybody’s time when you are trying to reconnect. When you focus on the negative, you create a negative life – a self-fulfilling prophecy of not getting along.

Of course there are things about each other that you may not enjoy, and differences that you must learn how to resolve in ways that feel right to both of you. But if you don’t basically think your partner is a worthy human being that you are glad to be with – if you can’t give your partner the same grace and mercy for their flaws that you want for your own flaws – then you shouldn’t be with them!

So that said: take responsibility for your negative thoughts about them – and don’t go there! When you notice yourself spiraling into a reverie of how much your partner bothers you, intentionally shift your focus into contemplating ways that you actually value, enjoy or appreciate them. 

One of the most beautiful possibilities of marriage is the actual affection we eventually develop for each other that, over time, may actually extend into including even things about them that once bothered us – because it’s an expression of them, this person that we cherish and love with ever-increasing depth and appreciation.

If there really is a problem you need to work through – and there will likely be many – don’t blame them, but instead use that circumstance as an opportunity to learn the constructive communication skills to collaborate, solve it and resolve it.

The only reason to get back together is that you feel deeply within yourself that your partner can meet all of your needs – yes, ALL of your needs – and contrary to what you’ll hear from everybody else, this is completely possible! Here is why:

In my philosophy, the only real “needs” (besides basic survival needs, of course, whatever those may be for you – and which you do need to agree on) but otherwise, as I was saying, the only real “needs” are that you like each other, you love each other, and you treat each other with kindness, care, and respect.

Everything else is just life – good, bad, hard, easy: it’s like the ocean, always changing, and some days are going to be hard. But if the two of you are committed to learning how to face it all as a supportive team – how to bring true love and care into every situation – then that attitude itself will bond you and, over time, cause you to fall more deeply in love with each other than ever before!

 

Taking Action: The Outer Game of Communication, Connection and Care

Creating positive new experiences with each other is certainly essential to reconnecting – but in this article, I’m not referring to shared activities like what movies or sports or restaurants you enjoy. I’m talking about the “action” of how you communicate with each other.

So many of the problems in relationships originate when differences emerge between partners that they don’t know how to discuss without making their partner feel like an opponent. But the fact is, even if you are expressing displeasure, you can say anything in a way that makes the person you are speaking with feel cared for and respected. You just need to learn how.

This means learning how to assert yourself with an energy that feels like you are vulnerably sharing who you are, rather than challenging your partner to a duel. Be aware of your energy: friend or foe.

This is the tricky part, because while your mind and emotions may long to reconnect, your nervous systems may have been trained, after all this time, to actually perceive each other as a threat. This is because you have hurt each other in the past – and so your nervous systems have become wired to automatically not feel safe around each other. All of this is an unconscious process – it’s just the nervous system doing its job -which is why you might feel like you are “walking on eggshells” around each other.

Therefore, the process of getting back together boils down to one basic activity: healing this mutual anxiety with love – specifically, by being careful that you are relating to each other with gentleness and kindness as you reconnect. 

That is the shared activity you engage in: being warm and caring with each other. On the biological level, you are training each other’s nervous systems to finally trust that your partner will not suddenly: lash out, or be critical, or passive-aggressive, or negative or toxic in any way.

This may take a while – but hopefully it is an expression of the self-reflection and personal growth that has occurred during your time in separation. In other words, this shouldn’t feel like a chore, but like an opportunity to evolve into the best, most authentic version of the man or woman you want to be. You should WANT this opportunity to bring a new, intentional patience and empathy into your relationship.

When difficult or unresolved topics come up, approach them from the perspective of, first and foremost, meeting each other’s needs for emotional safety. If you can’t be emotionally safe for your partner, or if they can’t be emotionally safe for you, then you’re just setting yourself up for drama and heartbreak.

Some couples, when they experiment with getting back together, make a conscious effort to avoid difficult topics. While you definitely want to cultivate and create positive experiences, there is a difference between an unhealthy focus on the negative, and learning how to turn negatives into positives through gaining the ability to problem-solve, collaborate, and resolve. This is actually a healthy, mature bonding activity (which your children will benefit from learning as well).

Shutting down negative topics just means that you will never develop the ability to problem-solve together. Dismissing each other’s feelings means that you will never cultivate the empathy necessary for a healthy relationship. What you really want is a mutual understanding that every challenge, every disagreement, is an opportunity to work as a team – to actually strengthen your connection.

While you are separated.. now is the time to assess if you and your partner really have the capacity to grow and evolve together. Can you respect, love, and enjoy each other? Are the two of you willing to agree to put love first, to work through every issue with patience and care? Do you recognize that your emotional triggers are really opportunities to heal the past with love?

 

Work With An Experienced Marriage Therapist

In my couple’s work, we have a zero-tolerance policy for any kind of toxic energy. Certainly, it is understood that there is going to be a learning curve – a period of time where you each learn how to do this, as you break these hard-wired patterns. There is mercy and understanding for this – but forget about this idea of “stop being so sensitive” – you are both “too sensitive” because you both feel emotionally unsafe with each other. Working through this condition with patience and care is the “hard work” of any meaningful marriage repair.

Relationship Conflicts: When It’s Family vs. Partner at Holiday Gatherings

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Do the holidays back you into a corner, forcing you to “choose sides” between your partner and one or more family members?

Is there a constant tension beneath all the hugs and smiles: your partner vs. your family?

Maybe it’s a general attitude, or perhaps the conflict is over a specific issue: differing opinions about a “bad” choice someone made – or perhaps an unforgiven incident from years ago, kept vigilantly, resentfully alive…

Or – maybe it’s a new conflict, specially manufactured just for the holidays this year!

Either way, somebody’s going to be mad at you, right? Either your partner or your family member(s)… and now the seasonal gathering means you must suffer through personality conflicts, pervasive nitpicking, and grudge-holding…through casual rudeness and insensitivity…and gaslighting, and disrespect.

OK, time to break through all that crap and enjoy your holidays -and here’s how:

Until now, you have made a choice: either you have defended your partner when family “go against” him or her, which makes you a “traitor” to the family that raised you…or…you take your family’s side, which leaves your partner feeling criticized and abandoned.

Well here’s some good news: you really don’t have to choose sides – even if you have an opinion that one “side” or the other is “right” – you can still give your love and support to all, without anyone feeling like you have turned against them – without anyone feeling devalued or disrespected.

But even more importantly: you SHOULD NOT choose sides. Again, I don’t mean that you shouldn’t have an opinion. You should feel free to have your opinion and to share it: but when you do, neither your partner, nor your family – no one – should feel judged or criticized or disrespected. Even if you feel strongly that one side or another is “right.”

The way to navigate this successfully is to BE TRUE TO THE SITUATION!

What does that mean? Two things: one regarding your partner, and the other regarding your family.

Concerning your partner: you are with them because you respect them, and like them – and of course, love them – or else, why are you with them? And why are you bringing them to be among your family? You have chosen them – they are a life choice you have made – an extension of yourself.

So if you don’t support them, then you are not being true to the situation.

You don’t have to be with them, right? But if you choose to, the whole point is to support them and care for their heart. If your family are not respecting your partner, they are not respecting you either. So if you allow your partner to be hung out to dry – if you align with your family against them by making them an emotional opponent – then you are also dishonoring yourself.

The same is true if you want to collude with your partner against your family – but it gets a little more complicated there – because you don’t choose your family. So your family might actually have some people you don’t really want to be around – but have to. (That is actually a form of being true to that situation – showing them the respect of your presence – unless they have been truly heinous, in which case, sure stay away – but otherwise:) even if you have unresolved painful emotions around your family, it is not right or fair to disrespect them by triangulating with your partner “against” them – after all, the very problem you have with them is that you feel they have not honored or respected you.

The two of you can talk about your family all you want when you get back home – but you while you are choosing to be in their presence, you owe them respectful treatment – or else, again, simply leave.

So what do you do when you become aware that there is tension between your partner and one or more family members?

You simply make it clear that you will not disrespect anyone. You can care about the feelings: very simply: “I care about how you feel.” You don’t have to believe someone is right to care about their pain.

And you can choose sides – but when you do so, it is in the spirit of care and generosity, of accepting everyone’s limitations, whether you perceive them as being stupid or shallow or neurotic or weird or defensive or anything else – you don’t devalue them as human beings, but rather accept them as broken people doing their best – as we all are.

Let them rant and rave, or wheel and deal in emotional drama. All you ever have to say is: “I see how upset you are. I don’t want you to feel that way.”

And if you disagree with someone who is trying to make another look bad, then say, with calm self-self-knowledge, “I disagree.” (without anger, and not needing to say more) Or, if you agree, “I support you. I am here for you.” But either way, you are creating a moment of truthfulness, not fanning the flames of drama.

When you go to such an event, it is your responsibility to make peace with the fact that you are choosing to be there, and you are choosing to bring your partner. Your only purpose is to explore where the greatest amount of love exists in that setting. Love is always the healer. And often, love simply means being kind.

You can always share your truth – but with love and honor for all. This is how you experience your own true power, and how you most deeply honor and respect yourself.

Ray Rivers

Lovemaking Performance Anxiety: Wisdom from a Therapist

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Here is the gentle truth about sexual performance anxiety – I send this video with love and care, and hopeful blessings for you! If you are on this blog’s front page click on this article’s title, or else just click this link…

No More Anxiety and Panic Attacks – Step One

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Anxiety and panic attacks are epidemic. I hope this brief video is helpful in opening the door to your journey: to ending this torment once and for all…to access the video click here (or if you are on the blog front page, click on the title of this intro first, then the link will appear…)