It’s a pattern I encounter frequently in couples: the husband complaining that the wife is constantly either irritable, nagging or lashing out at him –
To the point that it feels unbearable –
They often describe it as “disrespectful.”
It’s when the wife constantly addresses him in an angry, blaming tone of voice which is painful to experience and feels abusive – as she complains of his insensitivity or poor character.
She could be speaking of any and every aspect of the marriage, from the mundane (such as household chores or schedules), to more significant (financial disagreements or intimacy).
To the hurting husband, this all feels unfair and inaccurate. He feels like he is basically a good guy: well-intentioned, hard-working, pretty chilled out – and that there is no justification for the wife to talk to him in this awful way.
He is both right and wrong.
He is right, of course, in the sense that there is no excuse, no reason, for one partner to treat another with disrespect. It is toxic and miserable – and often a dealbreaker.
But in another sense, there is more to the picture – because in my extensive experience, much deeper issues are revealing themselves –
Issues that can usually be healed, if you are both willing to do the work.
Perspectives: His and Hers
From the husband’s perspective it’s either:
“There is no reason at all for her to be this upset.”
Or:
“I get that she’s upset, but she shouldn’t be a bitch about it!” (that part is true!)
And he is truly suffering, because he loves his wife, he wants to be with her, but he feels so mistreated that he finds himself sometimes questioning the viability of their marriage.
But the fact is – and this is usually a shock for the husband to hear – the wife feels just as mistreated as the husband – every time –
In other words, she is not just selfish and shallow – her pain is real, just as real as his.
This makes no sense to the husband, because her emotional violence seems to come out of nowhere – or else it feels like an extreme overreaction –
To the point that he is wondering if there is something “wrong” with her – a clinical condition of some kind.
Because most men (and women) think that, while they may not be perfect, they are certainly not insensitive enough to deserve the level of rage they are experiencing.
But after working with thousands of clients, I am certain that while the wife’s reaction may be unreasonable, her pain and suffering are real –
What is really triggering her is not only the specific incident or conversation, but the bigger picture:
It is her sense that there are constant dynamics in the marriage which were issues for her long before the marriage –
And which have then continued to accumulate during the marriage –
To the point that they are boiling, spilling over and scalding their emotional connection –
Because it is always easier to feel the rage than it is to feel the pain behind the rage…
Where Does the Pain Come From?
The pain comes from unresolved issues she has confronted throughout her life, starting as a young child, and now playing out for her in a subjectively very real way in her relationship with her husband –
Feeling minimized, dismissed, unheard, disrespected, controlled, misunderstood –
Feeling like she is carrying more than her fair share of the burden of responsibilities (even as she is accused of not taking on enough of them)
Feeling – indeed, ironically – disrespected –
By the very attachment figures she is counting on to prioritize and appreciate her, to make her feel emotionally safer than anyone else in her world –
First as a young child…and now in the marriage…
And so she is fighting, defending herself.
Beyond Her Control?
The only reason an individual fights is that they perceive danger.
When she is lashing out, she feels viscerally threatened – endangered – at the most primal biological level of her being.
This activates the sympathetic branch of her autonomic nervous system –
In other words, her fight-or-flight response.
And nobody is reasonable once their fight-or-flight circuitry is triggered.
(Unless, that is, they have done a great deal of self-development work. Then it’s easy. But this is rare.)
The sympathetic nervous system (as you may know) is the same circuitry designed to protect us in actual life-or-death situations – in which one must either fight or flee to defend oneself.
There is a change in biochemistry and bioelectricity, thought and feeling, that affects every aspect of the brain and body.
This triggers automatic behavior: specifically, whatever behavior the organism (in this case human) engages in when under threat.
In animals, this can include biting, pecking, physically subduing, or perhaps spitting venom – an ability which our spouse, fortunately, does not have.
Instead, in sentient beings like your wife, it can include blaming, berating, and yelling – and maybe behaving passive-aggressively.
It is hard to recognize that this is actually a defense response, because to the husband, it just feels like his wife is being a jerk.
In other words, for him it feels aggressive, but for her it is defensive.
Her behavior at this point is both learned and instinctive – and beyond her ability to control – until she learns how to control it.
This ability is less-than-perfect in most of the population.
So It’s All my Fault?
This may sound like I am saying “it’s ok” that the wife behaves this way – I am not.
I am saying that we can’t start to problem-solve and heal until we understand what is really happening on the deepest levels of mind, emotion, psyche and spirit.
I am saying that we have an imperfect human here, who is frustrated, wounded and afraid, to the point that they are triggered into an irrational emotional episode –
And that we often tend to judge others as deficient while holding ourselves to different standards of accountability as far as exploring the real needs of what this thing you are creating together – this marriage – is asking of both of you at the highest level of possibility –
Which is always: how do we create more peace and love together?
Certainly, the husband has his own valid complaints in the marriage – this is not an “either/or” situation, where either he is right, or that she is right, and one cancels out the other.
But he is usually very wrong about his own “innocence”. And approaching it from a morally superior perspective is – we all must learn on our journey – just an undeveloped ego trying to perpetuate itself – rather than allowing itself to be sacrificed to spiritual growth.
There is no “right” or “wrong” about this, no “good guy” or “bad guy” –
We are simply two beings learning how to better care for the heart of our partner, by deepening our empathy for each other’s unique needs…
Learning how to love each other more completely – and, in the process, make ourselves whole as well.
This is an essential foundation of meaningful couples work: an uncompromising commitment to fully explore and resolve every issue that may be blocking the flow of care and connection between a couple –
Yes, every single one – that is absolutely my personal and professional approach.
We give care and grace to the unresolved complexities of the life the couple has been creating together – and we heal the ways they have not been able to collaborate in a spirit of love and care, until a resolution that feels good to both of them reveals itself.
The Moment of Truth
The spiritual contract of marriage is a beautiful thing: two people agreeing that they are going to love each other as a conscious, intentional choice –
To create a loving home as a physical sanctuary, and a loving relationship as an emotional one.
So when either partner feels threatened, that is actually an opportunity for both of them to learn how to love more deeply –
But too often, it causes them to either fight or flee.
One of the main reasons we get married is to grow and improve, and change – to evolve.
We don’t know that at the beginning, of course
And so –
When lived with integrity, we are so often led to confront one of the hardest “revelations” that couples therapy frequently reveals –
That we are actually hurting our partner in ways that we would never intentionally choose to – or even imagine ourselves capable of.
Facing this is one of the most common moments of disillusionment that partners must face – but it is also an opportunity to bounce back together, stronger than ever.
So What About Her “Disrespect”?
Her being feels assaulted – just like his.
Her spirit feels weary – just like his.
She feels so legitimately oppressed and mistreated that she is lashing out in an unreasonable vicious way – because she has not learned another way of handling her feelings, and because her sympathetic nervous system has been activated beyond her capacity to self-regulate.
This does not mean that her behavior is ok – it is not.
But it does mean that she is not “the problem.”
Rather, the problem is their mutual inability to communicate in a way that feels good and right to both of them – no matter how triggering the issue.
The ability to do this can be taught – and they are both longing to learn how!
These skills are beyond the scope of this particular blog post, but I will give you this very big clue:
With every challenge that arises, with every issue that confronts you, ask yourself: how do we heal this with love?
There is a way.
If you are willing to do the work, and honor the longing in each other’s heart –
For love, and ease, and real care –
Then I promise you – there is always a way.
Disclaimer:
Please note: any situation you feel is abusive should be left as fast as possible – do not misunderstand me on this point! Assessing that is beyond the scope of this blog – but it is important to make this clear!