Relationship Remedy with Ray Rivers

Save Your Marriage - Online Counseling for Couples

301-220-6955

Relationship Conflicts: When It’s Family vs. Partner at Holiday Gatherings

by

Do the holidays back you into a corner, forcing you to “choose sides” between your partner and one or more family members?

Is there a constant tension beneath all the hugs and smiles: your partner vs. your family?

Maybe it’s a general attitude, or perhaps the conflict is over a specific issue: differing opinions about a “bad” choice someone made – or perhaps an unforgiven incident from years ago, kept vigilantly, resentfully alive…

Or – maybe it’s a new conflict, specially manufactured just for the holidays this year!

Either way, somebody’s going to be mad at you, right? Either your partner or your family member(s)… and now the seasonal gathering means you must suffer through personality conflicts, pervasive nitpicking, and grudge-holding…through casual rudeness and insensitivity…and gaslighting, and disrespect.

OK, time to break through all that crap and enjoy your holidays -and here’s how:

Until now, you have made a choice: either you have defended your partner when family “go against” him or her, which makes you a “traitor” to the family that raised you…or…you take your family’s side, which leaves your partner feeling criticized and abandoned.

Well here’s some good news: you really don’t have to choose sides – even if you have an opinion that one “side” or the other is “right” – you can still give your love and support to all, without anyone feeling like you have turned against them – without anyone feeling devalued or disrespected.

But even more importantly: you SHOULD NOT choose sides. Again, I don’t mean that you shouldn’t have an opinion. You should feel free to have your opinion and to share it: but when you do, neither your partner, nor your family – no one – should feel judged or criticized or disrespected. Even if you feel strongly that one side or another is “right.”

The way to navigate this successfully is to BE TRUE TO THE SITUATION!

What does that mean? Two things: one regarding your partner, and the other regarding your family.

Concerning your partner: you are with them because you respect them, and like them – and of course, love them – or else, why are you with them? And why are you bringing them to be among your family? You have chosen them – they are a life choice you have made – an extension of yourself.

So if you don’t support them, then you are not being true to the situation.

You don’t have to be with them, right? But if you choose to, the whole point is to support them and care for their heart. If your family are not respecting your partner, they are not respecting you either. So if you allow your partner to be hung out to dry – if you align with your family against them by making them an emotional opponent – then you are also dishonoring yourself.

The same is true if you want to collude with your partner against your family – but it gets a little more complicated there – because you don’t choose your family. So your family might actually have some people you don’t really want to be around – but have to. (That is actually a form of being true to that situation – showing them the respect of your presence – unless they have been truly heinous, in which case, sure stay away – but otherwise:) even if you have unresolved painful emotions around your family, it is not right or fair to disrespect them by triangulating with your partner “against” them – after all, the very problem you have with them is that you feel they have not honored or respected you.

The two of you can talk about your family all you want when you get back home – but you while you are choosing to be in their presence, you owe them respectful treatment – or else, again, simply leave.

So what do you do when you become aware that there is tension between your partner and one or more family members?

You simply make it clear that you will not disrespect anyone. You can care about the feelings: very simply: “I care about how you feel.” You don’t have to believe someone is right to care about their pain.

And you can choose sides – but when you do so, it is in the spirit of care and generosity, of accepting everyone’s limitations, whether you perceive them as being stupid or shallow or neurotic or weird or defensive or anything else – you don’t devalue them as human beings, but rather accept them as broken people doing their best – as we all are.

Let them rant and rave, or wheel and deal in emotional drama. All you ever have to say is: “I see how upset you are. I don’t want you to feel that way.”

And if you disagree with someone who is trying to make another look bad, then say, with calm self-self-knowledge, “I disagree.” (without anger, and not needing to say more) Or, if you agree, “I support you. I am here for you.” But either way, you are creating a moment of truthfulness, not fanning the flames of drama.

When you go to such an event, it is your responsibility to make peace with the fact that you are choosing to be there, and you are choosing to bring your partner. Your only purpose is to explore where the greatest amount of love exists in that setting. Love is always the healer. And often, love simply means being kind.

You can always share your truth – but with love and honor for all. This is how you experience your own true power, and how you most deeply honor and respect yourself.

Ray Rivers

The Secret Reason Your Relationship Sucks During the Holidays (and how to fix it)

by

Do you love or hate the holiday season?

That might depend on what’s happening with your spouse or lover, right?

If you’re married or with a partner but you still feel empty and unfulfilled, then the holidays are just a swamp of piled-on activities, plodding tasks, pressures, expectations, and overlapping dramas – and it all feels so….mandatory, and inconvenient, and intrusive.

Is that you?

If your holidays are a stressful slog, but you can’t put your finger on the problem – well, I just might know:

Dopamine.

It could be that you’re hooked on the stuff, and you don’t even know it – and this hidden addiction is all that stands in your way, between you and the holiday spirit.

Here are the facts you need:

Dopamine is a brain chemical that helps control the brain’s reward and pleasure centers; it also helps regulate emotional responses.

So when you’re longing for something, or even just wanting – a toy, a sushi roll, a social interaction, a loving touch – that whole process consists of flooding your brain with dopamine:

First the neediness, then the anticipation, and then finally: the attaining…getting a present, expecting a phone call…planning for sex…

These endless perpetual overlapping cycles self-generate all day and all night, through even the most mundane life activities.

Social media is a perfect example: whenever you keep checking your phone compulsively for new messages, or “likes,” or just scroll endlessly looking for something interesting – that’s you fiending for that dopamine “hit.”

In other words, dopamine is associated with addiction: the whole compulsive activity-reward-activity-reward-over-and-over mindless wanting…and you probably know that once the addictive cycle starts, it takes more and more to satisfy that endless black hole…

But even more importantly, this whole dopamine cycle isn’t just about the moment of reward – it includes the “build-up” as well: the act of driving to the “reward’s” location, or preparing the food before you eat it; of taking the works out of the secret drawer; of getting your chips and claiming your seat at the slot machine…or of looking down at your phone before you pick it up to check it….

In other words, not living in the “now” but in the future…and then – once the reward is delivered –  experiencing sensation as a form of absence –  an escape from being fully present and alive, letting this autonomous dopamine process take on a soul-destroying life of its own – again, not really being “now.”

But what does this have to do with you, and the holidays, and your love relationship?

Everything.

Our society, our culture, has trained us to base our sense of fulfillment, of “rightness” on external phenomenon: on acquiring experiences and objects, on checking items both big and small off the list…

The stuff of life, right?

No – the stuff of living.

One of my great teachers, Barry Long, often spoke of the difference between living and life.

Living is activity. But life is love:

Love as fully present consciousness. Love as your nature, your essential state of being.

Love as the energy and the stillness that you and your partner share with each other, through expressions of touch and vocal tones, and radiating energy of attention, and awareness, and admiration, and appreciation.

All the holiday gatherings, all those to-do lists, and activities – if your life is full of them, but you do not feel the love inside of you, glowing peaceably like a pilot light – then you are stuck on a cycle of positive or negative reward that will endlessly occupy you but never truly fulfill you –

Even if your partner is right by your side the whole time.

And so right now, you need to call or text or grab your partner and say “Thank you for being in my life! I love you!” And from there keep opening more deeply, more sincerely, then ever before…

If this is something that is hard or unusual for you, then try this:

Think of a way that you love, or admire, or respect, or are grateful for your partner…find the place within you that feels that way…and speak from that place, put it into words:

“I am so thankful that you…”

“That is so cool that you…”

“That is so awesome that you…”

And feel the real feelings – the vulnerability, perhaps the awkwardness, perhaps the melting away of your hard defenses…

Touch them from that place, be with them in that space…

But if this is something you simply cannot comfortably do, please know that you will find the solution to feeling unfulfilled when you are ready to take the inner journey to create this connection with your partner, which is a process that people like me can help you with…

And which starts when you find the real love that is hidden like a treasure within your being – the deepest truth of who you are…

Which is also something I can help you with…

And when you find this, then all the infinite spinning hamster wheels, of dopamine-seeking, and never-quite-rewarding rewards, will break down and burn in the fire of your freedom, and wash far away in the ocean of love…

Meanwhile all the pressures and strains of the holiday season will dissolve in the light of your radiant essence…as sex becomes, not an activity in the future that you need, but an expression, in the now, of the living love that you always feel within…and that you and your partner share each moment, always together, even when physically separate…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Discuss “Eggshell” Topics

by

One of the biggest challenges couples face is: how to talk about “eggshell” topics – those topics that you can’t discuss without fighting, or hurting feelings, or getting defensive – topics that one way or another, whenever you approach them, you both ending up feeling like crap about the relationship…
Topics like: in-laws and relatives and friends you disagree on; past hurts, or future plans; personal hygiene, kids – and of course, money…you avoid these topics, yet they simmer unspoken beneath the surface; live-wire obstacles to real trust and intimacy and fulfillment.
That’s why there shouldn’t be ANY “eggshell” topics in your relationship at all – and I promise you it can be done –
But for now, let’s just address how to actually have a breakthrough, and be able to discuss these “eggshell” topics in a new way.
First, you must understand why the topics are “eggshell” in the first place: it’s not just because you disagree with each other; it’s because you actually don’t feel safe with each other. Deep in your subconscious, you are both afraid that, because you feel differently about a topic, your partner will reject you – a painful experiences we avoid at all costs.
In fact, what you are both really avoiding is the need to change. Depending on who is “more” responsible for the particular situation, this change can take many forms – but at its core, it means a change in how you relate to each other. It means discussing “eggshell” topics in a way that both of you end up actually feeling closer and more loving with each other – better, not worse, about the relationship.
Topics are “eggshell” because they trigger negative emotions – and negative emotions make you both feel unsafe. This means that the art of discussing them successfully is, instead, to trigger positive emotions. This is not only easier than it sounds, it is actually one of the highest blessings of a relationship – the feeling that you are safe with each other no matter what comes up between you.
To do this, you must powerfully create a certain feeling between you – otherwise, the negative emotions will take on a life of their own. This requires that you speak to each other in a very special way. And since you are the one who is taking the lead on it, at first, only you will know how to do this – which you demonstrate by example.
So here are five basic steps to discussing “eggshell topics:

Step One:
Look into your heart and find the place that appreciates your partner, that is grateful for their being in your life. Find everything you love and honor and respect about them – all of their best qualities, all the ways you have known them to be good and kind and smart and terrific, as human beings, as your best friend and lover, perhaps as a parent. Really connect with this knowing within you.
Step Two:
Approach your partner and tell them that you love them. Tell them specific things you love about them. Tell them how grateful you are that they are in your life.
Step Three:
While holding this attitude of love and care – this reality – in your heart and mind, tell your partner that there is something that you want to talk about. Say that – so far – it feels like the two of you can’t talk about it without feeling uncomfortable, but you want to be able to talk about anything and still feel the love between you. Say that no matter what they say, you respect how they feel, and you love them. But you have to be able to talk about this topic, and there are things you want to say as well. Tell them you are willing to change and compromise and care about everything they have to say, to make sure they feel totally safe and loved by you no matter what, every step of the way – but also, this thing needs to be talked about – and you love them (you say again).
Step Four:
Empathize with their point of view: in other words, put into words how their point of view would make sense from their perspective: “I know you work hard for the money and it doesn’t seem like a reasonable purchase” “I know you don’t want to start a fight with your mother by not going” “I know how you must be so tired that you’re not even thinking about putting down the toilet seat” – then say, “But this is hard for me because…” and state your side of it. THEN say “I don’t care about being right, I just want us to figure out a way we can compromise on this and both feel great about our relationship and each other and the whole situation – and I love you!”
Step Five:
Throughout the conversation, keep telling them that you love them. That you support them. That you are so grateful they are in your life. Touch them gently, with love. Insert compliments into the conversation – things you love, admire, respect, and appreciate about them.
THE POINT IS NOT TO MANIPULATE – IT IS TO BE AS SINCERE AS POSSIBLE!
None of this is manipulative – it is caring about the fact that they don’t feel safe with the topic, so you are creating the space of safety for both of you. This is not “fake” because, well, if you don’t feel this way towards them, then why are you in the relationship?
No matter what they say, keep affirming how much you love and appreciate them.

There are many versions of “eggshell” topics, and this is just a basic overview of a general approach. It’s a radical way, and you have to be open-minded…but remember, conversation with your partner is just like sex: there is nobody looking but the two of you, so don’t try to be “cool”, instead care and connect and support each other, and then only magic will happen.
If it is hard to picture or understand what I have described here – or if you think that it is “just not you” – then I assure you, I can help you find the version of this approach that “is” you.
The big secret is: when you both feel completely safe with each other – all the eggshell topics will disappear – there will truly be nothing that you are uncomfortable talking about, and no problems you can’t solve together.
And when you have a relationship where you can talk about anything at all, you are both set free to become the man or woman you have always wanted to be – and to create the relationship with each other that both of your hearts have always longed for.
Please contact me with any questions or comments – this is all Truth, and I am here to help you with it.