How to Stop Fighting With Your Partner and Start Working Together

You love your partner. You don’t want to fight with them – you don’t want drama of any kind!

So why are there some topics that, despite your best intentions, you just can’t seem to discuss without the whole effort devolving into dispute and argument  –

Issues and circumstances that should inspire productive (or at least interesting) discussion –

Such as differences in opinions, or feelings, or needs…or perceptions of other people, or interpretations of events –

Instead feel like a gut-wrenching conflict full of irrational tension, from the moment they arise…

Sucking you both in like a riptide, while the whole time you both know that you’re only making each other feel worse!

This is one of the primary reasons couples seek outside help: the partners absolutely love each other, but they still can’t figure out:

Why can’t I come up with the words to have an emotionally mature discussion right now? Why does my energy feel like I’m fighting when I don’t want to fight?

Why Do Couples Who Love Each Other Fight Like Opponents?

One reason is that so many of us simply never had healthy communication modeled for us –

We were simply never taught how to problem-solve empathetically and collaboratively with the people in our lives with whom we are most vulnerable – those to whom we are most deeply, emotionally attached (properly referred to as attachment figures, in fact).

This creates unresolved issues of emotional safety within us – issues which are often a mystery to even ourselves (although revealed through quality couples work) –

And which are triggered by the differences which inevitably arise between partners in relationships –

At which provocation, we default to the regressive communication patterns we’ve experienced and internalized – introjected – throughout our lives, starting from our most formative developmental stages…

And so even though you know that you don’t want to get defensive, and you don’t want to raise your voice –

And you certainly don’t want your partner to feel attacked (although listening to yourself you can feel you are attacking them anyway) –

You still, somehow, in the moment, recognize that you are doing all of that –

And that it somehow feel bigger than you, that you don’t know how to stop –

And you feel helpless…

Without the emotional vocabulary – the communication skill set – to do something different…

Although…if you look deep within, you may realize…with great clarity…

That you actually do have these authentic abilities to communicate and connect with your partner within you –

And they are actually the most true expression of who you really are, how you really feel  – the man or woman you know yourself to be –

If you can just get the right guidance to knowing yourself in a new way…and expressing that knowledge in truth and love…

Make The First Move

Think about that moment when you can first sense that tension – when you become strongly aware –

Oh, I can feel it, it’s about to happen…we’re about to start fighting –

In this work, you train yourself – you program yourself – the instant you recognize that feeling –

To ask yourself:

What do I wish my partner would say to me right now?

You know the answer…trust it as you receive it…

You’d want to know that they care about how you feel and what you are saying…

You’d want them to reassure you that you are on the same team, and that the two of you are going to work through the problem together…

You’d want to feel that they are coming from an unshakeable place of love…

And so now, instead of waiting for your partner to give that to you –

Give it to them – make the first move.

You might say:

“Hey babe (or whatever your most loving way of addressing each other is) I know that we might start off with different perspectives on this, but I care so much about how this feels for you, about everything that’s important to you – anything that’s important to you, is important to me…Let’s care about how each other feel, and figure this out together…and I love you…”

Those few sentences can completely change the energy of the conversation.

So if one of you can make that first move:

To empathize…to say:

I want to bring up this topic and I want to say right up front: I really care about how this feels for you, just like I care about how this feels for me, so let’s care about how each other feel and work through this together –

That creates the big shift, into heartfelt emotional connection, that we are all seeking…

“But those words just don’t come naturally to me”

Now this approach that I’m suggesting – a lot of people get it – but they don’t think they could ever really implement it…

They didn’t grow up experiencing the kind of energy I’m describing…

And they are not used to using these kinds of words…they just don’t have the emotional vocabulary – or so they think – because no one ever modeled it for them…

And meanwhile, we’ve all had a lot of other pretty lousy approaches that were modeled for us…so we basically do what we know…

But adding this energy, this language, to our skill set…or more accurately, setting it loose and free to thrive, from where it lies dormant within us…truly opens the possibility of transforming these moments of possible relationship rupture into profound foundations of closeness and connection…

And that’s why Relationship Remedy is here – to teach you a plethora of tools and approaches, and give you all the support you need –

To empower you to turn every potential conflict into an opportunity to actually come closer together than ever before –

And create a rock-solid foundation of care and connection that only grows stronger as you travel through life together.