Your wife is smart – so how is it even possible that she doesn’t see it:

You told her she’s irrational (which you knew was going to backfire right when you said it) – and now she’s either flipping out on you – “how dare you!” –

Or raging silently, keeping to herself like a snapping turtle –

The level of irony here is so perverse that it’s almost an achievement:

First of all, her behavior totally proves your point that she’s not being reasonable –

But also –

The whole time she’s insisting that you are actually the crazy one –

This level of absurdity is cosmic!

You’re Right About One Thing:

Which is that you know exactly what I’m going to say:

Since I’m a therapist, I’m going to tell you that even even if she has been triggered into what we might clinically refer to as an abreaction–

abreaction (noun) – often triggered by traumatic memories, the process of releasing and expressing previously repressed emotions.

You both have a role to play here, it’s not all her…

Yes, that’s exactly right!

So let’s explore these “irrational” moments –

And continue to advance our insight with depth and thoughtfulness …

Scenario #1: “That’s Not What I Meant!”

You’re driving in the car, and you feel it happen – that shift in the energy, tensing up, and she suddenly demands:

“What did you mean by that look?”

“Huh? What look, what do you mean?”

“The look I saw you just make – that look”

“What look, I was just thinking about something else-“

“Stop gaslighting me!”

“Here we go again…”

Yes, once more, here she goes, accusing you of being mean, or negative, or a lighter of gas-

And it is completely possible that she was seeing things, that you truly did not make a face –

And it is also possible that if you’re honest, you did make a little face, but (you feel like) it was just normal human behavior and she is totally “overreacting” –

Either one could be true, because once there is a disconnect in an intimate relationship, reality and perception and intention get messy: confusing and inconsistent –

But either way you’re kidding yourself if you think that you can just sweep these moments under the rug until the next time –

Because they are only going to become more frequent, and more severe –

And your partnership will inexorably erode –

And you will eventually find yourself living in relationship hell –

All the time, until you truly acknowledge the unresolved issues of emotional safety that have been hanging between you –

Which are the only reason that these moments happen in the first place…

Where did this disconnect originate?

It could be that you each have different habits of “normal communication” based on how you were socialized to communicate in your family, social group, or professional life. This does not mean that they are, or ever were, good habits – no matter how “normal” they may be for you!

It is possible – it is actually very likely – that your partner suffers from unique trauma you don’t fully understand, which give your “innocent” words and actions a deeper and more threatening significance than you ever imagined. This is extremely common, and it is unfortunate that the understanding of this is not more widespread.

And then, of course, there is that other possibility –

Which is that she tells you quite a bit that she is struggling, that she feels that you mistreat her with criticism, judgment, a lack of empathy –

But she does this in a way that feels “off” to you, like it’s neurotic, out of balance with a reasonable life –

And also, worse, it feels as if you are being attacked – almost abused –

So when she tells you these things, you either dismiss her, or you fight back –

Even if you know there’s at least some truth there…

But whether it’s true (but you’re denying it to avoid a fight)-

Or (you feel) a total projection of her own hypersensitivity–

There is an underlying issue between you that will only get worse-

Until this accumulation of perceived injury and sensitivity is truly cared about – validated, explored, and healed…

Scenario #2: “She Flips Out Over Nothing!”

Her emotions are too BIG -she gets way too upset:

You told me you would cut the apple – but you lied!

Are you supposed to empathize with this? Should you?

We could just dismiss it out of hand – or tell her she’s crazy –

But that would keep us stuck in tension, stagnant in separation –

When there is a more interesting – and transformative – discussion to be had…

Regarding the nature of fear, and phobia…

And how they relate to what appears to be your partner’s unbalanced emotional escalation-

The Involuntary Dilemma

Step back for a moment, and consider:

Are you afraid of heights? Or snakes? How about public speaking to a room full of clowns?

One of my clients suffered from paralyzing lepidopterophobia – fear of butterflies – which made her sweat and shake and cry uncontrollably.

You can master your fears, but doing so takes real inner work –

You can’t easily “just get over them” –

Because they are biologically involuntary –

They are hardwired into the autonomic nervous system, which is the same mechanism that controls involuntary processes such as breathing, and heart rate  –

In other words, our fears and anxieties are designed to keep us surviving and thriving, by sensing “danger” –

Not just our fears, but our righteous anger, resentment, judgement, and even sadness and shame –

All the “negative” emotions –

Which are involuntary responses –

Driven by a perceived threat to our safety, be it physical, emotional, or psychological:

Being rejected, abandoned, controlled, misjudged, dismissed, mistreated –

All of which are threats to our sense of being whole –

Which we at first create by gathering pieces:

The elements of our lives – relationships, connections, narratives, activities, experiences –

Those things beyond food and shelter that we depend on for our internal stability and strength, our basic optimal functioning –

Until we evolve on our personal human journey –

Our seed sprouts, our vision clears, our light breaks through –

And we experience the wholeness that was within us all along –

Through all of those things, rather than from them…

But at first we are trapped by our fears and defenses, our sensitivities to being hurt –

Which originated in our legitimate experiences of trauma that our partner often has no idea of:

For example, if your mother was in the habit of making promises she did not keep – of betraying you in devastating ways –

If there was never dinner in the refrigerator while you were starving –

If there was a painting of an apple in the chair where your father would spank you or pass out drunk –

Or if you experienced an infinite number of other possible traumas that somehow involved apples, or unmet promises, or any other similarity –

Then you might end up crying uncontrollably over an uncut apple…

So with this deeper understanding, look inward, and contemplate if perhaps you have been consistently insensitive – or if she has been telling you that about yourself – in ways that would trigger and reinforce these unresolved emotional patterns –

Because I can promise you, after decades of working with couples: most relationship work is, at some level, trauma work –

Based in unresolved experiences of emotional heartbreak and devastation that are truly agonizing – and still alive within us…

Issues which started before the relationship but until they are dealt with, continue to devolve…

Our fears are so personal –

What is not a big deal to one partner is a huge deal to the other…

So when your partner becomes upset in ways you can’t relate to…

Instead of distancing yourself, perhaps you can recognize a deeper impulse…

To hold and heal them…

The same way we want them to care about us –

With a new understanding of seemingly “irrational” emotional responses…

Healing the past by loving in the present –

Because you don’t know whose face your partner sees behind that butterfly

Scenario #3 You Didn’t Read Her Mind

You “should have” known what she expected you to do – but you didn’t –

And now she is wounded, distressed –

And you’re paying the price –

For not reading her mind?

You try reasoning with her:

“Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it!”

But she shoots you down:

“I’m not in charge of you! I want you to take the initiative –“

Or perhaps she gives you a chance, and you do exactly as she asks –

But it’s still somehow “wrong”, or somehow, it “doesn’t count” –

What does she want? How can you win?

Why You’re Still Stuck

When you first get together, you are actually reading each other’s minds –

Because you are both thinking the same thing, in your own way:

This Is Great!

You’re feeling each other –

That experience – this is great! – is what you are sharing –

It’s all newness, and hope, and multi-leveled biologically-based intoxication of the body and mind…

And you are also both thinking:

“Anything that doesn’t seem so great – we don’t need to worry about it – because we can work through anything feeling like this…”

Of course, that feeling only lasts for a few years (if that)…while all those things that “don’t seem so great” multiply and intensify –

Now the Work Begins

This is when you realize that your differences might be unexpectedly deeper than you would ever have thought:

In how you perceive the world-

Your thinking patterns, and how you are generally wired as a human being–

Different, in what you expect from each other, in your lifestyles and your emotional frequencies –

The cycles and nature of your different energies –

Because if you don’t understand your partner’s reality, you replace it with your own projection, based on your own experience –

The initiation of a defensive/reactive cycle –

Which establishes a psychic distance between you that is quickly filled with the unhealed negative emotions of past and present –

The way to transform that distance into connection –

Is to fill that space with love instead –

To embrace without resistance or resentment:

That our partner’s experiences differ from our own far more than we thought…

And then seek to understand how and why their world makes sense to them –

Not with suspicion and resentment – but with curiosity, and care…

That’s when the “hard work” of marriage comes in for everybody–

The Solution to All Those Previous Scenarios:

Because the problem is that your wife does not feel emotionally safe, the solution is to create an emotionally safe environment.

This is NOT done by “fighting back”…

This is NOT done by defending yourself…

This is NOT done by correcting her…

It is done by ascending yourself beyond those reactive urges –

To where you can see the real pain behind her defensiveness –

And instead of coming back at her like an adversary, or dismissing her like a joke –

You simply care about how she feels –

Which is exactly what you say:

“I care about how this feels for you.”

You say it with the same gentleness and sincerity which you would speak to any wounded being –

Not patronizing or with condescension, but from a place of deep care within yourself:

“I’m sorry for not understanding how this affects you – I get it now. It’s important to make sure going forward that you feel safe…”

The Only Question That Matters

If complete emotional safety exists between two people, then the quality of their connection – living love – makes emotional conflict essentially impossible –

There is simply no space for it, as every frustration that may arise is embraced as merely one more opportunity to deepen their connection –

To get better and better at resolving every issue between you –

Through care, and collaboration, and sincerity, and patience, and mutual appreciation –

And forgiveness for mistakes (as long as those mistakes inspire true inner change for the better) –

This should not feel – for either of you – like you are compromising your truth, and your needs, to make someone else happy –

It should feel like you are evolving –

Become more emotionally mature –

Releasing habits of thinking and being that no longer serve you –

Over time, being intentional and consistent, gentle, and empathetic-

Will create powerful shifts in the life you share.

For in the end, there is only one question that matters, through every challenge and circumstance:

One question that creates the foundation of an unbreakable future together:

How do we heal this with love?

You and your partner, both doing that, together…

Is a journey which can be painful and humbling along the way –

But the ultimate result is a marriage of profound shared peace and fulfillment.

(Please note: if you are going to be vulnerable yourself, you do need to make sure that your wife is not clinically unwell or abusive – these are legitimate concerns outside the scope of this blog, and which are only some of the reasons why marriage therapy or coaching may be an important investment of your time and energy…)