So you’re separated, but you still want to try and make it work – things will be different now that you’ve had some time apart, right? Hopefully you’ll be able to relate to each other in new, positive ways, without falling into that same old dance you were doing before – all those automatic reactive and defensive patterns that led you to separate in the first place. Can you – this time – create an authentically fulfilling life together?

In order to do that, you have to be very clear about your goals, and intentional about how to achieve them. You might start by dividing your approach into two components: inner game and outer game…in other words, mindset and action. Here’s what I mean – let’s dive in:

 

Mindset – The Inner Game of How Emotional Awareness Restores Love

Be aware of your negative thoughts – and transform them!

After all – if you really feel negatively towards your partner – what’s the point of trying to make it work?

You might notice that your negative thoughts about your partner have become deeply rooted compulsions – you’re simply used to ruminating about all the ways they bother you, almost as a way of entertaining yourself. This is a perfectly human habit, but it’s one you have to change if you want to make a fresh start. “Stewing” over what a jerk they are is just a bad habit of thought that wastes everybody’s time when you are trying to reconnect. When you focus on the negative, you create a negative life – a self-fulfilling prophecy of not getting along.

Of course there are things about each other that you may not enjoy, and differences that you must learn how to resolve in ways that feel right to both of you. But if you don’t basically think your partner is a worthy human being that you are glad to be with – if you can’t give your partner the same grace and mercy for their flaws that you want for your own flaws – then you shouldn’t be with them!

So that said: take responsibility for your negative thoughts about them – and don’t go there! When you notice yourself spiraling into a reverie of how much your partner bothers you, intentionally shift your focus into contemplating ways that you actually value, enjoy or appreciate them. 

One of the most beautiful possibilities of marriage is the actual affection we eventually develop for each other that, over time, may actually extend into including even things about them that once bothered us – because it’s an expression of them, this person that we cherish and love with ever-increasing depth and appreciation.

If there really is a problem you need to work through – and there will likely be many – don’t blame them, but instead use that circumstance as an opportunity to learn the constructive communication skills to collaborate, solve it and resolve it.

The only reason to get back together is that you feel deeply within yourself that your partner can meet all of your needs – yes, ALL of your needs – and contrary to what you’ll hear from everybody else, this is completely possible! Here is why:

In my philosophy, the only real “needs” (besides basic survival needs, of course, whatever those may be for you – and which you do need to agree on) but otherwise, as I was saying, the only real “needs” are that you like each other, you love each other, and you treat each other with kindness, care, and respect.

Everything else is just life – good, bad, hard, easy: it’s like the ocean, always changing, and some days are going to be hard. But if the two of you are committed to learning how to face it all as a supportive team – how to bring true love and care into every situation – then that attitude itself will bond you and, over time, cause you to fall more deeply in love with each other than ever before!

 

Taking Action: The Outer Game of Communication, Connection and Care

Creating positive new experiences with each other is certainly essential to reconnecting – but in this article, I’m not referring to shared activities like what movies or sports or restaurants you enjoy. I’m talking about the “action” of how you communicate with each other.

So many of the problems in relationships originate when differences emerge between partners that they don’t know how to discuss without making their partner feel like an opponent. But the fact is, even if you are expressing displeasure, you can say anything in a way that makes the person you are speaking with feel cared for and respected. You just need to learn how.

This means learning how to assert yourself with an energy that feels like you are vulnerably sharing who you are, rather than challenging your partner to a duel. Be aware of your energy: friend or foe.

This is the tricky part, because while your mind and emotions may long to reconnect, your nervous systems may have been trained, after all this time, to actually perceive each other as a threat. This is because you have hurt each other in the past – and so your nervous systems have become wired to automatically not feel safe around each other. All of this is an unconscious process – it’s just the nervous system doing its job -which is why you might feel like you are “walking on eggshells” around each other.

Therefore, the process of getting back together boils down to one basic activity: healing this mutual anxiety with love – specifically, by being careful that you are relating to each other with gentleness and kindness as you reconnect. 

That is the shared activity you engage in: being warm and caring with each other. On the biological level, you are training each other’s nervous systems to finally trust that your partner will not suddenly: lash out, or be critical, or passive-aggressive, or negative or toxic in any way.

This may take a while – but hopefully it is an expression of the self-reflection and personal growth that has occurred during your time in separation. In other words, this shouldn’t feel like a chore, but like an opportunity to evolve into the best, most authentic version of the man or woman you want to be. You should WANT this opportunity to bring a new, intentional patience and empathy into your relationship.

When difficult or unresolved topics come up, approach them from the perspective of, first and foremost, meeting each other’s needs for emotional safety. If you can’t be emotionally safe for your partner, or if they can’t be emotionally safe for you, then you’re just setting yourself up for drama and heartbreak.

Some couples, when they experiment with getting back together, make a conscious effort to avoid difficult topics. While you definitely want to cultivate and create positive experiences, there is a difference between an unhealthy focus on the negative, and learning how to turn negatives into positives through gaining the ability to problem-solve, collaborate, and resolve. This is actually a healthy, mature bonding activity (which your children will benefit from learning as well).

Shutting down negative topics just means that you will never develop the ability to problem-solve together. Dismissing each other’s feelings means that you will never cultivate the empathy necessary for a healthy relationship. What you really want is a mutual understanding that every challenge, every disagreement, is an opportunity to work as a team – to actually strengthen your connection.

While you are separated.. now is the time to assess if you and your partner really have the capacity to grow and evolve together. Can you respect, love, and enjoy each other? Are the two of you willing to agree to put love first, to work through every issue with patience and care? Do you recognize that your emotional triggers are really opportunities to heal the past with love?

 

Work With An Experienced Marriage Therapist

In my couple’s work, we have a zero-tolerance policy for any kind of toxic energy. Certainly, it is understood that there is going to be a learning curve – a period of time where you each learn how to do this, as you break these hard-wired patterns. There is mercy and understanding for this – but forget about this idea of “stop being so sensitive” – you are both “too sensitive” because you both feel emotionally unsafe with each other. Working through this condition with patience and care is the “hard work” of any meaningful marriage repair.